These pics were all from this past weekend. The first was at dinner
downtown where we watched ice skating.
This is from the horse and carriage ride we took, Kaylee got mad
when the horse pooped! She told the lady it was rude of the horse!

This is from the Zoo lights!
And this is a family tradition we have, to see the Polar Express 4D,
this is 3rd year in a row we've gone. Kay loves it!

Enjoying Christmas time

Kaylee is at such a fun age this year for Christmas. We have had a lot fun reading Christmas books, watching Christmas movies, and doing Christmasy stuff. It has been fun to see the artwork Kaylee has constructed at preschool and home when we have our "craft time". She has such an incredible imagination. I few weeks ago, I asked her to help me put the ornaments on the tree. This is the first year I felt she would not try to play with the tree. She kept disappearing from the family room while I was getting everything out. As I walked in her room to check on her, I saw what she had been doing. She crafted her very own Christmas tree complete with stolen ornaments and all.
I just had to post this picture and a few others from our memorable 5th Christmas with our little miracle!

Another precious girl

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
before you were born I set you apart"
Jeremiah 1:5

Just days ago we discovered our latest little baby was another precious girl.
In the same conversation, we also were told she had Downs Syndrome.

I can not even explain what it was like to hear this all. Mark and I had to "debrief"
after we left the Dr.'s office and just let it all sink in.

As I reflected on all the information, I remembered how I had pleaded with God this pregnancy
to have mercy on us. I was so disappointed when we sat in front of the screen looking up at our baby with no heart beating. I thought, "where was your mercy Lord?"

Then I remembered the visit for an ultrasound that day was specifically to look for our chances of carrying a Downs Syndrome baby by measuring the fold of the baby's neck. How ironic that we would have certainly found out that day we were carrying a very sick little baby. We would have carried her until the Lord took her home, but how much pain did He truly spare us?

I felt His mercy.

Then I remembered the sermon spoken the very day I got up in front of our church and spoke my testimony. He spoke of how God lessens our pain, we just may not know it at the time.

Indeed our pain was lessened.

Mark and I both agreed that day we would never look at a Downs Syndrome child or adult the same way again. In my 6 years working as a nurse, I took care of so many sweet Downs babies.
My friends at work all knew how much I loved having them as patients. I always have had a place in my heart for those children. And now I have one that will never leave my heart...


Again I imagine what she would have been like, looked like, and how she would have loved her big sister.

After the shock in the office the Dr. continued to talk to us about her thoughts. We were all convinced I had yet another disorder in which my body was somehow rejecting our babies. She ruled that out after getting the results. She was actually quite relieved to get the results back, claiming once again how this genetic anomoly like the last one was just a "fluke".
How is it that someone who already lost 3 babies has 2 genetic "flukes" after that?
Something I will never understand this side of eternity.

I have been called to walk this road once again. A road I never would willingly walk even once. There are days I feel I am being carried and days I feel a strength I can not explain walking beside me. I have no idea where I would be in this journey as an unbeliever. I know this happens to believers and unbelievers alike.

And once again I feel God's mercy.

He supplied me with His word, His presence, His body of believers, and His strength.

Honestly, what more can I ask of Him?

I can relate...

Psalm 88 (select verses)

"O Lord, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
For my soul is full of trouble...
my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O Lord, every day;
I spread out my hands to you."

I can relate

Psalm 89 (select verses)

"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever;
with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known
through all generations.
I will declare that your love stands firm forever,
that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself...
Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you,
who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord...
For you are their glory and strength..."

I can relate


Sometimes getting through the day is a real struggle, but each day without fail, I do. Right now sleep is something I dream of, something I thought I desperately needed, but I still function.
Keeping up my job as full-time mommy is all encompassing, and well, has no breaks, even in the wee hours of the night. How is it that I am still able to laugh and sing and dance and goof off with my precious little girl yet still be in such pain all in the same day? These 2 chapters in Psalms are so very different, yet they are put right next to each other for a reason...

I know that no matter my circumstances that God would pull me through anything. I think so many times how I could very well have no children, versus one precious child. And I am thankful beyond belief that I get to share in the life of such a miracle. Kaylee brings so much light to us. So much joy, so much fun.

We leave tonight for a 4 day trip with our very close friends to Chicago. We are both bringing our curly headed girls. We are so excited to see all the Christmas decorations and the hustle and bustle of the downtown city life. We are all in desperate need of a getaway... we are all suffering loss.

Right now am thankful that grief and joy can co-exist.

I plan to return phone calls, emails, texts, and letters all when we return. They mean so much to us. Thank you for being patient and loving us.

Surviving

Have you ever felt like you are just surviving? One day at a time, just surviving?

That is really what I feel like right now. This time around is so very different than the rest.
This time we were so prepared. We saw specialists, I was diagnosed with 3 disorders which
the doctors were confident could be the cause for my previous losses. I was carefully placed on
medication months before trying to conceive to be sure we had the bases covered. I changed my diet in order to take on a diabetic drug that some new research showed could help with my clotting disorder. I took on months of black and blue bruising that covered my stomach and thighs from blood thinner shots. But I didn't mind, I really had hope.

We were so hopeful this time.

I let myself plan for this child, dream about him, imagine Kaylee as a big sister. I bought maternity clothes this time, my tummy grew, and so did a few other places.
I wrote the dates on the calender of each week the baby would be bigger.

I planned out the nursery, so hopeful to fill it again.

I am so heartbroken...

I look around the house and I see food that I ate when I still carried my baby, or medicine bottles I no longer need to take. Just reminders all over the place of my life when I still held that precious life.

The shock has worn off, reality has hit me...

I breakdown for small reasons, just looking at something reminds me of what I am missing.

This time is different.

I am grieving this child right now, I am allowing the grief to surround me. I fought it so much in the past. I held a shield before, where now I am feeling the brunt of it, and it hurts, so bad...

At the same time, it feels right, it feels good to grieve. I feel like I finally have permission to break down, to let loose.

I do not feel suffocated, I do not feel hopeless. I truly feel the Lord covering me with love.
And to be real honest, I do not know what to say to Him when we talk. He knows this.
My faith has not changed. God has not changed. He has not broken any promises. He has not abandoned me. He never promised me more children through pregnancy. He never promised to heal my sweet children and give them life. But I have to ask why? Why not? Just this once, why not this once?

There are no answers.

This time is different.

I am not looking for answers this time. I am face down asking Him, where do you want me to go next? Please give me the strength to go there.


I want my friends and family to know I am receiving all your messages and emails and they are so comforting and wonderful. I will respond to you all when I get the chance. Please know you are not bothering me one bit, I welcome all of these. In fact, some women want to be left alone to grieve. I am pretty much the opposite. I really love to hear from you. Even though I have not responded, I welcome your words. And I can only imagine you don't know what to say, I wouldn't either. Please don't feel bad for this, just to know you love us and are thinking of us is so very comforting. And most of all, thank you for lifting us up to God. He hears all of our prayers, and does not take them lightly. To Him be the Glory.

Coping

I slept well for the first night in a long time. I have been used to many trips to the bathroom in the night, that has already decreased. I can now sleep on my belly, for it has already gone down. I was nearly 12 weeks along this time, the baby lived to 10 1/2 weeks, the longest one of our baby's has made it.

Amazing how quickly my body adjusts when the baby is gone. Such a sad reminder I no longer have him inside of me. (We do not know it was a boy, we will find out the sex in a week or so, I just have always had a feeling it was a boy).

This time felt different though. To both Mark and I. Not sure if it was the physical pregnancy itself, the fact I was on 8 medications to help, or that we wanted this baby so incredibly much?

Even though the doubt was always there, we truly thought we would get to take this child home.

The Doctors have been wonderful through the entire process, this is a first for us, and truly a blessing from the Father.

Yesterday we spent the entire day at the hospital. We arrived at 10 so I could get gel to dilate me naturally so they did not have to force my cervix open. So our dear friends came to hang out with us, chat, and play cards. As I started to get a little uncomfortable, it was time for me to be admitted. The D & C room was sadly full; the day before Thanksgiving.
So I got placed in my own private room, it was so nice. Never mind that fact that it was a birthing room with all the fixings to welcome a newborn. That really didn't bother me like it would have. Maybe because I was so thankful to have privacy or maybe it was the narcotics that made me just not care? Thanks to our wonderful small group, you know who you are!

The nurse was wonderful and cautiously asked what all we've been through when she discovered this was nothing new for us. The Anesthesiologist was amazing, not only because he supplied the drugs, but because he actually teared up when I was sharing what we have been through. He very cautiously asked if we had any live children at home. We both beamed out that we have a precious little miracle at home. He sighed immediately and said, "oh Praise God". We couldn't help but laughing and crying at the same time.

I really am coping remarkably well so far, aside from the fact it is Thanksgiving, and aside from the fact we found out the news on my 32nd birthday. The hardest part for me tends to be after all the initial shock has worn off and when life goes on for everyone else, because the truth is, it just doesn't for me. My life is never the same after each and every loss I have had.

The good but crazy part is, I know what to expect. I know the cycles of depression, anxiety, heartache, etc. It won't be a surprise. I am not sure if that makes it much easier or not?
What I am most convinced of, if nothing else, it is that God will graciously pull us through, just like He has done each and every time.

I fought His healing so many times, this time I surrender.
Even if I'm angry, mad, bitter, jealous, you name it, He will never turn His back on me.
And trust me, I have no plans to be any of these things, but lets face the truth here, I am human.
And if you think I am strong, you are misled. There is nothing about me that is stronger than any other person. It is simply He who lives in me that strengthens me.

It is true that you can have the Hope of Christ and yet be broken in pain. At one time I did not believe the two could co-exist. The catch is that the "hope" part outweighs all the ugliness of this world. I know that this world we live in is so not the end. What a pathetic life it would be for so many people if it were. I long for the Life where "there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain..." (Rev 21:4) But on the flip side, I am not ready to go there quite yet. I still feel there is much in this life God has planned for me, work yet to be done, and blessings yet to be unfolded.

Only He knows what my future holds, and only He holds my future.

Please know I have received all of your texts, emails, and voice mails. Mark and I are once again overwhelmed with the amount of people God has placed in our lives to walk this broken road with us. Thank you for all of the love, prayers, and words of encouragement! We are so blessed!

I am sure of only this...

"Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you" Hebrews 13:5

He never promised us a pain free life. And what He has promised is enough- today, tomorrow, always...

I still feel like I am having a bad nightmare, like watching a really bad rerun.

I have no answers. I don't think I ever will.

There are simply no securities in this life apart from Christ. Not Mark, not Kaylee, not my
precious family.

This time we tried all the medications, all the tricks, yet I still could not hold this precious child or keep him safe.

From the moment I learned I was carrying my 6th precious child, I submitted him to the Lord.
This was never my child to keep, but what a privilege it was to carry this sweet child.

I am grieving the loss of yet another baby, a dream, a future...

I don't know how I will move on, all I know is He will never leave me...

Surgery is weds at 3:30. Thank you for lifting us up. God has blessed us immeasurably with the most wonderful friends and family. We feel so loved.

Encouraged

Yesterday Mark and I traveled to 2 of our church plant locations to finish giving my testimony. It is really emotionally draining to repeat my story over and over again. I really stepped out of my "normal" when I agreed to do this. God has brought so many wonderful people to encourage me over the last 2 weeks. I am so overwhelmed once again at how many people approached us and encouraged us in sharing our story. I knew God would lead me through this, but what I didn't expect was how many people in my life and those I have never met that would graciously thank me for sharing.

It was only one year ago when I was pregnant with our 5th baby. When my life was so very different, when my heart was not willing to change. Only one year ago when the healing and ultimate story of a changed life was to begin.
I thought I had arrived years ago when I gave my life to Christ. But what I didn't realize is that we never arrive, that is, until we are finished with our journey on this earth. This life is a constant learning experience.

I feel myself once again thankful for a God who delivers. I had no plans to share my story so publicly before this last week, and yet I felt I needed to trust God on this one. I am learning to trust a trust-worthy God.

As I sat down today to re-study my old "Breaking Free" study from Beth Moore, I stumbled upon some great wisdom about trust. Beth says, "A painful loss or a dreadful betrayal can deeply mark our level of trust. A broken heart never mended by the one true Healer handicaps us terribly when we're challenged to trust. Trusting an invisible God is not something that comes naturally to any believer. A trust relationship grows only one way: by stepping out in faith and making the choice to trust. This 'step' can sometimes seem more than we can take, but God is anxious to help us overcome our unbelief. The ability to believe God develops most often through pure experience."

As we continue to move forward, I am praying that I will choose trust each and every day. I have watched God pull me through what seemed impossible to my eyes. He has given me every reason to put my trust in Him alone. Grounding myself in His Word and His promises is all I can do.

Thanks once again for lifting us up and for all the words of encouragement! God is using you in my healing!

Many thanks

I just wanted to say thank you for all the prayers. I made it through 4 services this past weekend.
I have 2 next weekend. The last service on Sunday night was especially nerve racking considering 16 of our close family and friends were there to support us! And that doesn't include all of our dear Lifespring friends! You have no idea how truly loved we both felt. So many women and men approached us after the services sharing their stories of suffering and thanking us for being bold. It is true that being completely removed from your comfort zone is a growing experience!

Here is the link to listen to the sermon. Andy does a very good job addressing a very difficult topic, "How Could a Good God Allow Suffering?" The sermon, including my testimony, is about 35-40 minutes.
http://lifespringchristian.org/sermons.php

Interesting Opportunity

Well I could certainly use some prayers.

Mark and I have been asked to stand before our church congregation, 6 services total, and share our story. We were asked just last week. We slept on it, prayed about it, before responding yes.

I am not one to enjoy getting in front of people and speaking. In fact, I flat out refuse to teach Sunday school for junior high because I do not trust I can speak well in front of 20 junior high boys and girls.

Yet, I said yes to this?

For some reason, I really felt God tell me "you can do this!"
And I really want any silent sufferers to know they are not alone. I guess that is really why I am leaving my comfort zone and going for it.

Our church is in the middle of a series titled "Roadblocks." This weeks message, the one I will speak on, is called "How Could a Good God Allow Suffering?"

So, I have been praying all week, that God would give me the words to speak and the heart to share. I have little confidence in myself in this area. But through this journey God has led me on,
I have felt confident in Him and His truth, so I am holding fast to that!

Thank you for lifting us up!

A not so "funny" Funny story

Today, I can laugh about it!

My sister-in-law and I have been carpooling the kids to preschool and back. Yesterday was my turn. After I picked up Will from his class, I trotted down to Kaylee's class. Her sweet teacher asked me if I could stay after to talk. I knew she must have done something during class and so I was preparing myself. Just 2 days prior I got the report that she had a hard time listening on the playground. We talked about it after school that day and I gave her a "consequence" for disobeying the teacher. So, of course, my mind was wandering about what my little stinker could have been up to today.

Miss Mikki waited until the last child was picked up and scooted me to the other side of the hall to have a little chat. Will on one side, and Kay on the other. She told me of 4 instances over the last 2 1/2 hours that Kaylee blatantly disobeyed and used "physical means" to get other children out of her way. She said they're were lots of "tears" involved, inflicted by my child of course.
I started thinking of the ways I would talk to her and some punishments sure to fit the crime.

Miss Mikki reassured me they do see this behavior at the beginning of the school year for children who have never been to school or daycare. She was so sweet about it. She was upfront that we should continue to work on "no means no" at home with her.

She talked about Kaylee having a hard time sharing, that's where the "physical" part came in.
And then reassured me that she sees that with children who have no brothers and sisters at home...Well, the faucet started to leak....no it actually burst, and I mean really burst.
I could hardly control myself, it was bad! I am laughing as I type this because that poor teacher. She was a little shocked. I felt the need to explain where this was coming from, but I still didn't have a grip yet. For all I knew she was probably thinking, "wow did she think she had a little angel at home?" Which for those of you who know my "little angel", you know her only saving grace is her adorable little face. She is hardly an angel!

As I tried to pull it together, I leaked out that we have had a rough 2 1/2 years and that we have lost 4 babies. I told her it was not our desire for Kaylee to be an only child. She immediately hugged me, and now the principal was peering over us with apologetic eyes as well. Thank the Lord most of the moms and other children had already left the building. The tears were back full force since I mustered out my latest news...

Here I was totally out of control sobbing with 2 children at my side....or were they? I totally lost track of where they were and when I realized it, I told her I would be right back. Now, the principal, Miss Mikki, and I were searching for the children. The principal found them both in the boys room! I ran in to grab Kaylee out and of course, she started screaming and throwing an absolute tantrum. It took me all my strength to pull her out kicking and screaming, she was real strong when she wanted to be!

This is the part where I can totally laugh!

So I tried to finish up the conversation with Miss Mikki promising that Mark and I will work with Kaylee at home, while she had sorrowful eyes looking at me, bless her heart, all the while trying my hardest to hold onto 2 squirming little hands. I momentarily got a grip and walked the children out of the school into the rain. What a blessing the rain was! The sobbing started full force once again and this time was somewhat masked by the rain on my face.

Once I got in the car I quickly called Shona and explained my lovely encounter to her. What a blessing to have her to cry to, she knows only too well what days like these feel like.

I did eventually stop the leak. What a mess. I was so not prepared for all of that. I usually get to pick when I want to share my story with someone. It is usually on my terms...I do not do well under surprise conditions!

All in all, I can laugh about it. Not about the pain, of course, but about how my story is a real depiction of my life. How God infuses humor into my days even when they start out as leaks!
I am thankful God has prompted me to be exposed and no longer hide my grief for only me to see. I clearly don't have the means to control it either way you look at it, so why not share it!
I am sure we all have days like this, in some form or another. And I am thankful to have an open forum to share the funny hard days of my life!

A new Season

This week marks a special milestone in my life, my baby girl started preschool!
It has been so fun to gear her up for the big day, get her supplies, and talk to her all
about what school is like. She is so ready for this new season of life. She is so incredibly outgoing
and loves to meet new people. I am equally excited for this new journey. I love to see Kaylee learn and share the new exciting things in her world with us.

I snuck in a little early to pick her up the first day peeking in her door. I tried to be discreet, but, well, she totally saw me, started screaming mommy, and I felt like a looser mom! After class, her very sweet teacher gently reminded me of how the flow of parents comes and goes best. She explained that most parents have an older child down the hall or a baby in a pumpkin seat in their hands and that it is best to wait until the doors open to approach the class in order to move smoothly. Well, that kinda reminded me of something...it's no secret that the little mundane comments of life can hurt my wound on any given day. Ouch, I have neither of those.

Just a reminder of the pain that stings me ever so often.

I was catching up on my devotional from the day before and was just brought to tears when I read the paragraph. I will paraphrase what it said:
"The cross that my Lord calls me to carry may assume many different shapes...I may be required to continually cultivate the same field year after year, even though it yields no harvest whatsoever...I may be asked of God to nurture kind and loving thoughts about the very person who has wronged me...And I may be called to walk through this world with a bright, smiling face while my heart is breaking...Yes, there are many crosses, and every one of them is heavy and painful. And it is unlikely that I would seek out even one of them on my own. Yet Jesus is never as near to me as when I lift my cross, lay it submissively on my shoulder, and welcome it with a patient and uncomplaining spirit. He draws close to me in order to mature my wisdom, deepen my peace, increase my courage, and supplement my power. All this He does so that through the very experience that is so painful and distressing to me, I will be of greater use to others..."

This is my prayer,
as time passes,
and seasons change in my life,
that I would lift this cross willingly and shamelessly to Him...
and be of greater use to others through His power.

God's will

I know it has been some time since I have blogged. Mostly because I have not felt the urge from the Lord to share anything specific. I have been so thankful that life has been so enjoyable lately. I have seen so many blessings poured on my family this summer. We got to enjoy the beauty of Lake Michigan with Mark's extended family. Mark's hard work earned us an amazing trip to Europe just weeks ago. Mark and I get some R&R at a resort in Pennsylvania next week. My amazing parents have been so generously watching Kay so we can get away! I feel so spoiled, I really feel spoiled and just undeserving of it all. No worries, that has not gotten in the way of soaking it all up! But really life has been good!

As Mark and I prepare to venture down that road of "trying" again, I feel fear wanting to creep its ugly head at me. It has been so nice relaxing this summer and not even going there.

I have been reading a daily devotional called, "Streams in the Dessert." Today's devotion was just what I needed to hear.

It says: "Nothing that is not part of God's will is allowed to come into the life of someone who trusts and obeys Him. This truth should be enough to make our life one of ceaseless thanksgiving and joy, because God's will is the most hopeful, pleasant, and glorious thing in the world. It is the continuous working of His omnipotent power for our benefit , with nothing to prevent it, if we remain surrendered and believing... Someone who was passing through the deep water of affliction wrote a friend: 'Isn't it glorious to know that no matter how unjust something may be, even when it seems to have come from Satan himself, by the time it reaches us it is God's will for us and will ultimately work to our good?"

Of course this passage was followed by one of my favorite verses...
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Immediately I feel fear falling by the waist side. I have certainly been through the "deep water
of affliction." I may not have the same story as others who suffer, but we all have this in common; we are being formed into His likeness If we are surrendered to Him.
There is no other place I'd rather be than surrendered,
believe me, I have tried this on my own, many a times.
There is no greater place to be.
This is a daily thing, to be surrendered. It is a choice we make. A place we decide to go.
We do not know the result, or where He will take us, but we can be sure it is good.

So I am simply praying for God's will...

Some shots from our trip

Drained

We just got back from a 10 day trip on Sunday night. We had a blast. But for many reasons I could list, we are so drained. We spent many days on the beach in Lake Michigan splashing around, making sand castles, and of course taking lots of pictures. To end our little beach trip, we drove to Cleveland for 3 days for my cousin Julie's amazing wedding. Both trips were so meaningful and the time spent with family will be unforgettable. Kaylee had so much fun with all her cousins, the ones she knows well and the ones she is just meeting.

So why so drained? I certainly know where the saying "you need a vacation from your vacation" came from. I allowed myself to be occupied every second of the trip. Busyness was the game. Not that that is unusual for me normally, but this time I was missing something I so desperately need, time with the Lord.

As I fell into my usual home routine yesterday, I realized how much I missed out on this special time. One of the red flags was the way I started responding to my family, esp Mark and Kaylee, who usually get the brunt of my yucky side.
I became someone that I don't like very much, someone I have watched God tuck away over the last few years.

My anxiety swelled, my attitude shifted, my patience dropped. I became easily angered, quick to respond, and quiet for nothing. So disappointing.


I grabbed the book our MOPS group is reading called "Becoming a Women of Freedom", Which is awesome by the way. The chapter I opened was, "Laying Aside Busyness: Running with Rest." Heald says this in this chapter: "Most of us today run in the fast lane of life. We choose this lane for a "myriad" of reasons. We must examine the bulky weight of constant busyness, for we will have difficulty finishing our race at the speed with which some of us are running. If we're going to persevere, then we must learn to run with rest, the comfort and refreshment that the Lord so lovingly provides."

As I read on in the study I came to a verse that just brings me to a still place.
Psalm 23:1-3 "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul."
This verse is vastly known as one spoken at funerals... but so relevant to us still running the race.

The next chapter I dove into is "Laying Aside Anxiety: Running with Peace."
A quote on the first page really made sense to me.
"Areas of legitimate anxiety exist even for the strongest of believers. But the pressures of even legitimate concerns are not to dominate us or to make us habitually anxious, worried people. We escape by using anxiety creatively. This means that we must recognize the feeling of pressure and concern as a call to prayer.
We should immediately turn to God to lay our needs and the needs of others before him. We then turn back to live our lives encompassed by his peace. Anxiety, rather than drawing us away from God, draws us to him and thus fulfills his purpose for it in our lives."

This is so what I needed to hear. There is so much unknown in our future. We still have hope that God will bless us with more children. If I allow myself to think too much over the details, I get lost in a sea of questioning, and I rely on everything but Him.

I am so thankful for a God to quench my anxiety.
For He uses my weakness for ultimate good, to bring me back to my knees, to the only One I truly need.

While I'm Waiting...

While I'm Waiting, By John Waller

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Here is a Youtube video of this song I stumbled upon:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWI-iZsIKIk


Well, I heard this song the other day and when I got home I googled it and found this.
This past weekend marks our last due date. Our latest little one should have been born.
We know she was a little girl.
I have so many mixed emotions.
I watch Kaylee with babies all the time and just imagine what it would have been like for her to love on her little sister.

Oddly, I am so incredibly relieved, relieved I am done, at least for a time with the expectation of these sad reminders... I have empty arms for these little ones...

But what God has done to my life I could not have grasped, I could not have imagined, and because of that... I could not Love Him like I do today.

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
He rises to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for Him!" Isaiah 30: 18

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits.
and in His word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord...
put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with Him is full redemption." Psalm 130: 5-7

Remembering

Today is the 2 year anniversary of our first miscarriage. We were on vacation with our dear friends at the beach. I was just retelling the events of that time a few days ago to some friends.

Two years ago was the start of a changed heart.

My life has never been the same since that day.
Not because it was the most tragic thing that has ever happened to anybody, but because it was the most tragic thing that ever happened to Mark and I.

Two years ago is when the roller coaster began, when the depression first set in, when the anxiety was first noticed. When my heart truly broke for the first time...

Two years ago was when I realized I don't get to make the plans...

Two years ago is when God took hold of His child and forever changed her.

With confidence I can say I am grateful beyond measure to a God of Mercy, Compassion, Healing, and Restoration...for turning my tragedy into beauty. For changing a heart so in need of change. For bringing so much joy to my life through loss. Amazing how only He can do just that.

Today I have a heavy heart for more women who are suffering...how my heart hurts so much for them. How else would I have the compassion and heart to pray for them or be a part of their journey without my suffering. I see purpose.

I have watched as God has brought people into my life at just the right time to walk with me through the valley and I see how He is bringing people into my life so I might walk with them. Isn't this what life is all about?

I will still make plans in my everyday life... but I know He holds all the Plans, big and small, and oh how thankful I am for that.

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29: 11-14

Relentless Beauty

This is the title of the series we have been doing in church. We watched clips of amazing sea life during a few of the services and I just marveled at Creation. God created so much beauty for His beloved to enjoy and soak in. It has been a joy to teach my beautiful little girl all about what God made and how delighted He is to share His beauty with us. So I just had to share some of my recent pictures that captured His "Relentless Beauty." Enjoy!

Yet, another breath of fresh air

Well, since my last post, I have rode the rollercoaster once again. I am out of that spiral and am breathing fresh air once again (even though it is a terential down pour in Cincinnati).

I am glad to report that through this fall, I have been taught much and can once again be thankful for a God so worthy of refining me. The grief that initially befell me was so unexpected and really swooped me off my feet. What I have been learning these past few days is that I cannot control many of my circumstances BUT I certainly control MY response to them.

Amazing how quickly I was to revert back to self pity, jealousy, anger, bitterness, etc.

Today, I picked up my bible and read this, "...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

I took my circumstances, and got entangled in all sorts of feelings and ran with it, or sat on the couch, if you want the literal part. I did not first "fix my eyes on Jesus."

The study portion says this "...To live effectively, we must keep our eyes on Jesus. We will stumble if we look away from Him to stare at ourselves or at the circumstances surrounding us.
We should be running for Christ, not ourselves, and we must always keep Him in sight."
It goes on to say, " When we face hardship and discouragement, it is easy to lose sight of the big picture. But we're not alone: there is help. Many have already made it through life, enduring far more difficult circumstances than we have experienced. Suffering is the training ground for Christian maturity. It develops our patience and makes our final victory sweet."

Amazing how content I feel and satisfied with what life has brought me after soaking in His truth.
It is not about me, and all about Him. A weight has been lifted...

Thank you for lifting me up, all of us up, in prayer!

The Calm before the Storm

Well, I'd love to report that this week has continued to bring me peace as my last blog reported. But, as you can see from the title of this blog, not so.

I am beginning to see that God was preparing me for a very difficult week.

Oh how I long for that peace in my heart once again. I keep washing my mind with His truth, His words, His love...

This week has been full of disappointments. As I started to swirl down that not so fun road again, I sat there in the quiet room while Kaylee was napping and just thought why is this week so hard?
Then it dawned on me that Mark and I were supposed to welcome a child into this world this very week.

Amazing how I completely let that slip my mind.

The scar once again was ripped open, ouch.

I just prayed, begged, to be done with this; with due dates, with failed expectations, and all the junk that comes along with my losses. With anxiety, depression, all of it, I just want to be done.

Kaylee is very obsessed with Veggie Tales these days. I was watching one of her videos with her the other day and the lesson was on Perseverance. The same day, Mark and I were preparing for our junior high Sunday school class he was teaching, and the video was on Perseverance. It spoke of life as a journey, not the destination. That we are to keep running the race.

The bible is full of passages that speak of perseverance. "...because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." (James 1; 3-4) "As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy." (James 5: 11)

I plan to keep running this race with full assurance in His promises. Not because I am so strong, not because I am a good person, and not because I have done what it takes, those are just not the truth... simply because He who lives in me will bring me there.

Will I ever get over this you may be thinking? Absolutely not!

I will never get Over these losses. In fact, I was never meant to get Over them, each baby I carried in my womb was significant and placed there by God. I was not meant to get Over this, but with His power, I will get Through it, that I can be sure of...

When Jesus was preparing His disciples for their final days with Him on earth, He said this, "I have told you these things, so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16: 33)

A New kind of Peace

After talking with some of my close friends and family lately, I have realized how much calming peace has come over my demeanor. Many people have commented about how I seem different lately. And I just feel like crying out in thanksgiving to God for bringing this peace my way.

My depression has mostly been lifted, my anxiety very minimal, and yet there is no baby.

Amazing how that happens. For so long I thought a baby in my arms would be the only way for me to feel peace like this. There He goes again, full of surprises!

There is really no good explanation why this peace has covered me as of late. I mean, I did nothing out of my own will to bring it on.

So, the only solid explanation can be the loving Father covering me once again. I am in awe of how much joy has been rushed back into my life over the last month. I am enjoying Mark more than ever, having more giggles than ever with Kaylee, which one could argue is due to her persistant and hilarious little personality.

But really, I have just plain and simply been enjoying life more and more. Seems absurd when I think about it, when I really think over my circumstances and how I am no closer today to having my sweet babies back.

I have decided to praise the Lord for this miracle and to trust He has so much more waiting for me, or us, I should say.

I will say I am beginning to know what Paul meant when he said, "...and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:7) At least I can relate to the "transcends all understanding" part, because this peace I am experiencing makes no good sense to me whatsoever. But, hey, I'll take it!

Someday Heaven

My long time family dog, Snowy, died last week after outliving most dogs of his breed.
He was almost 15 years old. I can vividly remember when we got him.

I was 16 years old, a junior in high school. My older sister Nicki had just left for college and my younger sister Crissy had just watched her Chinchilla die the week prior. In an attempt to comfort Crissy, my parents ventured to the pet store to get a new Chinchilla and, well, came home with Snowy, go figure.

Kaylee just loved Snowy and Wrigley did as well. That poor dog got more tugs and pulls and unwanted love from my child and my dog then he ever knew what to do with.

My parents were pretty upset when he passed away and were stunned at how sad they felt for "just a dog."
Snowy represented a time in our family's life when lots of changes had occurred.
Children grew into adults,
left the home,
moved away,
married,
had children (a child) of their own.
And the memories brought out a lot of the pain our family drudged through over the last 15 years.
He was always a constant, no matter what went on with the three of us girls, or my parents for that matter.

So as I sat down to explain to Kaylee that she would never see Snowy again, I saw confusion in her eyes. We told her that Snowy was sick and died, and that Mimi and Papa were sad.
She looked at me for a few minutes and asked
"why doesn't Jesus like Snowy?"
I tried not to laugh at her comment, especially since I saw a look of sincerity in her eyes. I realized this child has heard a lot about death through us losing 4 babies over the past 2 years. She knows about her cousin Julia living with Jesus and her siblings as well.

So I thought it was time to teach her about what we know of heaven and death. I was given a great book that has been so helpful in teaching Kay all about what the bible tells us about heaven. It is called "Someday Heaven," by Larry Libby.

I realized how impressionable this child truly is and how I wanted to instill truth in her at a young age.
So we opened the book together and have been reading through it ever since. It covers lots of questions that even most adults may not know the answers too.

It's so easy to dream about what we want heaven to be like and to teach our kids according to our hopes and desires.
It has been fun to watch her question life, death, and heaven.
I think it will instill a sense of reality and she will come to see that death is not something to fear, but rather to rejoice in the true life it can bring "someday" in "heaven.'

More in His presence

Since starting my blog, God has done a lot of damage control to my heart.
Although it was an uncomfortable step I took to open myself for anyone to see and read about my many downfalls throughout this journey, it was a step worth taking.

I am amazed how many stories have been shared with me of other women who have lost children both after birth and before. Many of these stories would not have been shared with me had I still been living in the world of "woe is me."

Through talking with friends and receiving feedback from my blog, I have had the privelage to share in their journeys.
There is just something so comforting to hear about how God has worked on their hearts and transformed their lives.

I have finally reached the place where I am ready and willing for that transformation.

I have recently grieved for a dear family member who lost her precious girl just last week. It was so hard to process all the pain she was enduring and the unknown she was to face.
My heart broke again for babies lost.
God does something to your heart when you grieve for other people. At times it really sucks because you feel pain so much more intensely than before you knew of it yourself.

Does that make any sense at all? For me it does.

The good part of it lies in the relationships built and the tower of support that is being built.
And of course the way that it grows us ever closer to the Lord.

As I think of these precious babies, I remember where they are and
Whose presence they are in.

I was recently re-reading a book of stories of women who had lost babies and I stumbled upon a poem one mother wrote. I thought I'd share it with you.


"For my Precious Children"

I wondered who you'd look like;
Maybe me, perhaps Dad;
I wondered what your future held,
A future you never had.
I never looked into your eyes
Or held your tiny hand;
Now you play on streets of gold
In God's Heavenly land.
Why you're no longer here
I just can't understand,
But I know I'll recognize you
In God's heavenly land.
I'll know your precious voice,
I'll hug you, Oh, so near;
My heart will be complete again
I'll thank God He brought you here.




"

Clarification

So after re-reading my last entry, I feel I must clarify something.

The author of the devotional I paraphrased said that our burdens are "God-given".
I know that is confusing, as it was for me as well.
I do not believe God was just waiting to slam me with miscarriage on top of miscarriage just to bring me to the place where He has.
He is all knowing, all sufficient, in that He does not need me to react a certain way to fulfill His mighty plan.

The fact is that He knows it all.

He knew the burdens that I would bear all along,
He knew the people He would so perfectly place in my life to comfort me,
and He knew ultimately how I would respond to all of it.

We live in a broken world.

I know there are specific times in my life where I have been burdened with guilt because of something I have done wrong or failed to do right. After coming through on the other side, I have seen God's hand in it and rejoiced that He loves me so much to refine me in my dark hours.

I know my current burdens I am bearing are not a punishment or something to teach me a lesson.
To be honest, I do not even somewhat have it all figured out, nor do I have God completely figured out.

What I do know is that He is the only way for me, the only TRUE comforter and restorer of this broken heart. And I have no doubt He will do just that and so much more. He is our ultimate "burden bearer" and He willingly does just that to those willing to surrender our burdens...

"Praise be the the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens."
Pslam 68: 19

A wow moment

You ever think of something then the next day pick up a book or magazine and read exactly what you were thinking?
Maybe it's just me, I have these "wow" moments every now and then.
I recently was given a daily devotional meant for people struggling. A devotional is a book that offers daily (with actual dates) inspirations and wisdom inspired by the bible. Since writing my last blog post, I have felt so free in many ways, especially about my future.
So to read today's entry was really crazy.

I am going to paraphrase it just to share how God is bringing His wisdom to me in these "wow" moments.

"Bearing the burden of crushing weight actually gives Christians wings. This may sound
like a contradiction in terms, but it is a blessed truth...The word "burden" is described
in my bible commentary as being "what Jehovah has given you." The saints' burdens
(sidenote- saints refers to a believer in Christ, one who has accepted His free gift of
salvation) are God-given, leading us to wait upon Him. And once we have done so,
the burden is transformed into a pair of wings through the miracle of TRUST, and the one who was weighted down "will soar on wings like eagles."

How amazing that only days after realizing that I needed to trust God with my life, that I would read in a devotional how God transforms willing hearts.

Oh that I would have only had a willing heart years ago.
But God had a bigger plan for my life, a plan of weaving trust through my tragedies and experiences so I would look to Him and not myself for the answers.

I just love the verse in Isaiah where this came from.

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40: 29-31)

Some Updates and a Breath of fresh air...

I had promised to update my blog on the whereabouts of where Mark and I are headed in our journey to growing our family. We met with a Perinatologist, fancy name for a high risk OB, last week. It was refreshing to have an open forum and ask all my questions as well as hear her side of my story and what she recommends. I have felt the need and desire to be taken seriously, something previous OB's were not necessarily doing for me. Although we didn't learn much new information, we did learn more about the clotting disorder that I was diagnosed with.
The fact that there is a medical explanation to some of the losses we have experienced is a relief, to say the least. I walked out of there feeling better. Mark and I were able to take some time and talk about our future and where we want to take all this information.

It wasn't until a few days later that I really had a revelation.

(That is where the "Breath of fresh air" comes into play.)
I read another book that someone dear had recommended to me.
Not sure if it was the book,
my appointment,
or of course the Mighty God that revealed Himself to me.

Did I really need a Doctor to tell me everything was going to be allright?
Did I really need a "fix" to my situation?
Did I need to come up with an unfailing plan for how to carry a baby?

What I have needed all this time, for the past 2 years I have been on this road of suffering, was right in front of me, each and every day... trust.
I did not know what that word meant, I mean truely KNOW what it meant to trust.

Before I explain myself, let me clarify what trust is NOT:
It is not trusting God will provide me with more children through pregnancy.
It is not beleiving surely He will not let this happen to us again.
It is not thinking positively.
It is not "one day I will be happy again".
It is not ceasing to allow suffering of other kinds to come into my life.

This is not trust.

It is what I allowed myself to believe for some time, but it is not the truth.

I looked up the word "trust" at the end of my concordance/dictionary in my bible.
It says this: to place one's confidence in; to hope; that which has been entusted.

Trust is an action we take, not a feeling we feel.
Trust takes a whole lot of faith, which can only come from God.

Did I really think I could trust God on my own strength, with my own power?
I was trusting medicine, or positivity, or my own thoughts, all things that will fail me over and over again.

I am so free. I write this with full assurance. I am finally trusting the God of the universe, the one who created all things with my life, my future, my family; and the best part is I have never felt so free in my life.

You see, my story has already been written...

and so has yours.

God already knows how many children I will have on earth,
and how many in heaven.
He knows every little joy and sorrow I will ever experience.
How can I freat my future when I know He will be right by my side through it all.
Through death, loss, tradegy.
Through life, birth, joy.
I have no idea what lies ahead of me or if I will carry another sweet baby in my womb.
But I have decided to trust Him with all the details, the little and the big ones.

I leave you with this,

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5-6

More for the journey...

As I walk this road God has laid out before me, I have prayed for Him to bring me other women who are suffering. Whether they are in the thick of it, like me, whether they have passed it many years ago, or whether it comes and goes like a roller coaster through life.
Some of these amazing women have newly entered my life,
some have been here for years,
and some I am yet to meet.

In fact, as I have been on the road to demolish the ugliness of self pity, I have recognized more and more of my dear family and friends who are currently suffering from all kinds of things.
It was only when I began to see beyond my selfishness that I could see life clearer and through a wider scope. It was as if God was softening my heart for others and weakening my pain in the process.

It has been so freeing, really. Not only am I not alone on this road, but God has brought many of these women to me. I hunger to reach and be reached by other hurting women. I am sensing this is were God is leading me in ministry.

It gives me a strength and a renewed spirit to watch and hear how God has restored many of these women. Although they may still be suffering, He is at work in so many peoples lives, and I get to watch it!

Though God has chose to restore my heart time after time, there are so many questions that still remain. I used to feel guilty asking Him these questions. I hear of so many stories, ones I cannot begin to imagine and I just have to ask Him "why God". I read a passage from James Dobson's book, "When God doesn't make sense", it says this:

"Clearly unless the Lord chooses to explain Himself to us, which He often does not,
His motivation and purposes are beyond the reach of mortal man...Many of our questions
-especially those that begin with the word 'why' - will have to remain unanswered for the
time being."

Now I know that does not answer our questions, but it is reassuring to know we are not alone in our questioning. It reminds me of a verse in the bible.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

In the book, "Grieving the Child I never Knew", the author explains the "why" topic so beautifully. She says this,
"Most of us in the journey of grieving the child we never knew will find ourselves in the Sea of Why, pondering our loss. During times of questioning I reflect on Job's life and remember that God allows suffering and has purpose in our pain. I must choose to look beyond "the why" to "the Who" and view my loss through the lens of God rather than human sight."

So, if you are journeying the road of suffering along with me, or if you have your own set of "why's", welcome! I am right there with you.
I pray God will bring healing to your heart and bring you closer to Him in the process! God Bless!

Life is good

So, I feel the need and the desire to share the fun, joyful side of my life. I realize my recent blogs have been very heavy and may not give the best description of my daily life. I wanted to share some photos of my two favorite people in the world. Through all the pain and unknown, it amazes me how much joy has been brought to my life, especially through these two amazing people.

I think one of the best things that has come from this journey has been the way God has drawn Mark and I closer to one another, and in turn closer to Him. We have been abundantly blessed by our friends and family who have cared for Kaylee so we could spend time alone through all of this. It has been through these times that I feel our bond strengthening and our burden lifting.

The joy that Kaylee brings to our life is just indescribable. For those of you who know her, well lets just say when she opens her mouth, your in for a surprise. This girl says the funniest things, and they are usually very thought out and smart. I have started writing them down in a journal. There are daily quotes that just make us all laugh, so I don't want to forget any of them.

I had always dreamed that Kaylee would have younger siblings to play with by the time she was 3 1/2 years old. Instead of focusing on this dream, I have been so thankful to have so much special time to spend just the two of us. We have had so much fun this winter. I know I would not otherwise have this much time and energy to pour into this little life.

So these are the ways God is pulling me through and showing me the joy and blessings He had planned especially for my life.
We still do not know our future, but I can rest in the present and be sure His provisions are more than enough.

God Bless to all who have lifted us up in prayer!

A few Pictures of my Favorite people!

For You created my inmost being

"For You created my inmost being; you knit me together
in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be. " Psalm 139: 13-16


Yesterday, I discovered that my latest baby was a little girl.
My heart has grieved over this tiny life all over again.
I wonder, would she have big blue eyes and gorgeous curls like her big sister? What would she be like, look like, and sound like?
So many dreams I had for this little life the 8 short weeks I was privleged to carry her.

A dear friend of mine gave me a book called, "Grieving the child I never knew, " shortly after losing my first baby. At the time it was heartwrenching to read. One of the exercises encouraged
me to imagine what my baby would be like.
I was not ready back then.
I am now.

This passage in Psalms is so dear to my heart. I am certain that God had a plan for this tiny, but very significant life he placed in my womb.
He was right there when He knit her together in my womb,
when His eyes saw her unformed body,
all her days were written in His book...

You see, I know the end of my story,
I know where I will spend eternity,
I know of the place where "there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain."
And oh how I long for it!
I know that is where 4 of my babies will be waiting for their mother one day.
I just wish some days I could know the middle of my story, will there be more babies to hold here on this earth?

Oh, the questions arise...
And I feel His gentle voice saying, "my grace is sufficient for you."

"Our Hope Endures"

My very sweet sister-in-law sent this song my way.
I thought I'd share it! It really spoke to me and reminds me
of the peace and Hope that comes with knowing God.
It's by Natalie Grant
P.S. If you want to hear it, you can just click on my playlist
and scroll down.

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain
Our joy at a good man's wake
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient

We never walk alone
This is our hope
Our hope endures, the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

One day at a time

As we approach the third month since our latest miscarriage, I am finding myself less and less praying for the absence of suffering. Don't get me wrong, I do not care to have any more miscarriages, let alone lose anyone else in my life. I enjoy suffering no more than the next person. I do, however, see it's purpose played out in life here and there.

Since joining the blog world, I have been introduced to so many people's stories on their own blogs. Stories of hope, of faith, of persevering, and ultimately of God's healing power. I have read about tragedies I could not even begin to relate too. Some days I am so encouraged and some days a little overwhelmed. Either way they make "me" feel, they all speak of the God of the universe and His great love for each of us.

I have been reading through the book of Romans and stumbled upon this verse, "but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance: perseverance, character: and character , hope. And hope does not disappoint us..."

Of course you all know i love my study bible, and the study portion says this about that verse:
"We rejoice in suffering not because we like pain or deny its tragedy, but because we know
God is using life's difficulties and Satan's attacks to build our character. The problems
that we run into will develop our perseverance-which in turn will strengthen our
character, deepen our trust in God, and give us greater confidence about the future."

Nothing without You

Last night at church we sang this song. I have heard it so many times, but for some reason, it really resignated with me so I thought I'd share it! It is by Bebo Norman, a great Christian artist who I have enjoyed. If you want to hear it, check out my playlist at the end of my blog.

Take these hands
And lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
See, I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And all my soul needs is all Your love
To cover me, so all the world will see
That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And all my soul needs is all Your love
To cover me so all the world will see
That I have nothing
That I love You, yeah
With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And all the strength I can find

Take my time here on this earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing
I am nothing without You

Happy New Year

I know it's been a little since my last entry...the new year has come so quickly. It's funny how ready you are for a new year to start when the previous one has brought much grief and pain. I remember thinking last year this time how much I was ready for a new year. I think secretly I thought I could put 2007 to rest and look foward to much less pain in 2008.

As Mark and I were reviewing our year, it's many struggles and hardships, we were also amazed at how much the Lord had blessed us in 2008. We decided to write down our praises of the previous year, as well as the list of prayer requests the lord has answered. It was so uplifting to see so many blessings.

For me personally, what I am most thankful for in 2008 is for how God has grown me.
He has shown me more love and comfort than I knew existed.
He has brought me further from myself, closer to Him.
He has taught me to feel deep compassion for hurting people.
He has shown me what life looks like from a whole new perspective.
He has shown me how to live in joy even in the midst of tremendous grief.
He has brought unbelieveable friends and family to comfort and love me like I never imagined.
He has forgiven my selfish, pity-filled heart.
He has placed in me a heart to love Him like I never knew I could.

For all of this, I am immensely grateful for this previous year and for the suffering that brought so much Glory to my God.