More for the journey...

As I walk this road God has laid out before me, I have prayed for Him to bring me other women who are suffering. Whether they are in the thick of it, like me, whether they have passed it many years ago, or whether it comes and goes like a roller coaster through life.
Some of these amazing women have newly entered my life,
some have been here for years,
and some I am yet to meet.

In fact, as I have been on the road to demolish the ugliness of self pity, I have recognized more and more of my dear family and friends who are currently suffering from all kinds of things.
It was only when I began to see beyond my selfishness that I could see life clearer and through a wider scope. It was as if God was softening my heart for others and weakening my pain in the process.

It has been so freeing, really. Not only am I not alone on this road, but God has brought many of these women to me. I hunger to reach and be reached by other hurting women. I am sensing this is were God is leading me in ministry.

It gives me a strength and a renewed spirit to watch and hear how God has restored many of these women. Although they may still be suffering, He is at work in so many peoples lives, and I get to watch it!

Though God has chose to restore my heart time after time, there are so many questions that still remain. I used to feel guilty asking Him these questions. I hear of so many stories, ones I cannot begin to imagine and I just have to ask Him "why God". I read a passage from James Dobson's book, "When God doesn't make sense", it says this:

"Clearly unless the Lord chooses to explain Himself to us, which He often does not,
His motivation and purposes are beyond the reach of mortal man...Many of our questions
-especially those that begin with the word 'why' - will have to remain unanswered for the
time being."

Now I know that does not answer our questions, but it is reassuring to know we are not alone in our questioning. It reminds me of a verse in the bible.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

In the book, "Grieving the Child I never Knew", the author explains the "why" topic so beautifully. She says this,
"Most of us in the journey of grieving the child we never knew will find ourselves in the Sea of Why, pondering our loss. During times of questioning I reflect on Job's life and remember that God allows suffering and has purpose in our pain. I must choose to look beyond "the why" to "the Who" and view my loss through the lens of God rather than human sight."

So, if you are journeying the road of suffering along with me, or if you have your own set of "why's", welcome! I am right there with you.
I pray God will bring healing to your heart and bring you closer to Him in the process! God Bless!

Life is good

So, I feel the need and the desire to share the fun, joyful side of my life. I realize my recent blogs have been very heavy and may not give the best description of my daily life. I wanted to share some photos of my two favorite people in the world. Through all the pain and unknown, it amazes me how much joy has been brought to my life, especially through these two amazing people.

I think one of the best things that has come from this journey has been the way God has drawn Mark and I closer to one another, and in turn closer to Him. We have been abundantly blessed by our friends and family who have cared for Kaylee so we could spend time alone through all of this. It has been through these times that I feel our bond strengthening and our burden lifting.

The joy that Kaylee brings to our life is just indescribable. For those of you who know her, well lets just say when she opens her mouth, your in for a surprise. This girl says the funniest things, and they are usually very thought out and smart. I have started writing them down in a journal. There are daily quotes that just make us all laugh, so I don't want to forget any of them.

I had always dreamed that Kaylee would have younger siblings to play with by the time she was 3 1/2 years old. Instead of focusing on this dream, I have been so thankful to have so much special time to spend just the two of us. We have had so much fun this winter. I know I would not otherwise have this much time and energy to pour into this little life.

So these are the ways God is pulling me through and showing me the joy and blessings He had planned especially for my life.
We still do not know our future, but I can rest in the present and be sure His provisions are more than enough.

God Bless to all who have lifted us up in prayer!

A few Pictures of my Favorite people!

For You created my inmost being

"For You created my inmost being; you knit me together
in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be. " Psalm 139: 13-16


Yesterday, I discovered that my latest baby was a little girl.
My heart has grieved over this tiny life all over again.
I wonder, would she have big blue eyes and gorgeous curls like her big sister? What would she be like, look like, and sound like?
So many dreams I had for this little life the 8 short weeks I was privleged to carry her.

A dear friend of mine gave me a book called, "Grieving the child I never knew, " shortly after losing my first baby. At the time it was heartwrenching to read. One of the exercises encouraged
me to imagine what my baby would be like.
I was not ready back then.
I am now.

This passage in Psalms is so dear to my heart. I am certain that God had a plan for this tiny, but very significant life he placed in my womb.
He was right there when He knit her together in my womb,
when His eyes saw her unformed body,
all her days were written in His book...

You see, I know the end of my story,
I know where I will spend eternity,
I know of the place where "there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain."
And oh how I long for it!
I know that is where 4 of my babies will be waiting for their mother one day.
I just wish some days I could know the middle of my story, will there be more babies to hold here on this earth?

Oh, the questions arise...
And I feel His gentle voice saying, "my grace is sufficient for you."

"Our Hope Endures"

My very sweet sister-in-law sent this song my way.
I thought I'd share it! It really spoke to me and reminds me
of the peace and Hope that comes with knowing God.
It's by Natalie Grant
P.S. If you want to hear it, you can just click on my playlist
and scroll down.

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain
Our joy at a good man's wake
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient

We never walk alone
This is our hope
Our hope endures, the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged