Lately

It has been so long since I've written a post...not really sure why. We have been busy fixing up our home to sell this January. It has taken a little longer than we thought. Just thinking about selling our home brings a bittersweet taste....this is the place where we started our lives together, had a child, and walked through adversity together. There are so many memories in this home. I am reminded what a blessing a home can be to a family. Our main reason for moving on is for school districts for kindergarten next Fall. Hard to believe my little girl is getting so big.

Life for us has been so peaceful. There is not a day that goes by that I am not reminded of God's grace and love for me. It brings tears to my eyes daily to remember where he has brought me from.
This Christmas time is so very different than the last three. Christmas is my favorite time of year and this year has been so much fun. Kaylee is really starting to understand what it is all about.
While at the post office last week she befriended an older man in the long line with her charm and funny disposition. His full attention was toward her and she knew it. So she started asking him if he knew God and Jesus? My heart sunk immediately as I was nervous for him to get scared away. When he said he knew them a little bit she proceeded to ask him if he knew what Jesus did for him? He said no. So she told him Jesus died on the cross for his sins and that He loves him very much. Then she just wouldn't let him off the hook...next was "do you go to church?" He sheepishly said no and she put her hands on her hip and said "why not?" This is where I started freaking out. I gently said "lets not grill the man". But he was not afraid of this little girl and was not scared away either. It really was a sweet conversation and I will never forget hearing my 5 year old witness to a stranger. The funny thing is I would never have done what she did, for obvious reasons. But the innocence and love from this little girl flowed out that day and I am pretty sure she blessed the man who held her attention the short 10 minutes we were in the post office that day.
This is what Christmas is about, not being afraid to focus on the reason it ever began. At church last night we talked about the first few verses from the book of John, how God created Jesus in the beginning, He always existed, not just the first Christmas, but from the beginning of creation. God's plan all along was to bring His only Son into the world as flesh to take our place.
John 1:1-4 "In the beginning was the Word (Jesus), and the Word(Jesus) was with God, and the Word(Jesus) was God. ² He was with God in the beginning. ³ Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴ In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind."
Merry Christmas!

Redemption

Yesterday was my testimony. Thank you for all the prayers, love, encouragement, and support.
It went so well. I came home from MOPS and fell to the couch. I had no idea how much energy it took out of me. I was so exhausted. For weeks I have been preparing my heart to share what God wanted me to share. I wasn't sure how it was going to look or how it would be perceived. It felt so good to be real and share about the Healing that God worked through my story. As soon as I stood before the room full of women I felt all my fears fall by the waist side and felt a strength from the Lord overcome me.

2 Chronicles 16:9 "The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him. "

Today we wrapped up our 1 Samuel study. We have been studying David and his heart for God. He was no where close to perfect and though he was called "A man after God's own heart." David walked in the truth and did not turn form the Lord even in his darkest hours. In the video Kay explains, "When you walk in truth it does not mean you will not encounter difficulty or that your faith will not be challenged or that everything is going to go your way. But, you can know that a sovereign God sits on His throne and He sees your heart and He sees your obedience and He is going to show Himself strong on your behalf. God will work the difficulties together for our good and His Glory."


I have no doubt seen the goodness of the Lord shine through my life, through tragedy and through redemption...

Psalm 27:13-14 "I am still confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

Fall Family pictures

Prayers

So I am asking for prayers for this next month at MOPS. (Mother's of Preschoolers) Each month at MOPS we have different speakers come and share their knowledge, fun, or testimonies. The month of November I was asked to share my testimony. I am both honored and scared to death by this! Honored that the women in my group would be touched by God's story in my life and scared by oh so many things.

It was just last year I got in front of my church and spoke a small piece of what Mark and I had endured through our losses. At the time I was pregnant with our 6th baby. That was a whirlwind.
This time is so much different. I will be speaking for a lot longer and to a room full of mother's. I have an additional loss under my belt this year and so much has changed in my life.

The timing of this feels right and I feel God has given me an amazing story of His work in my life. The part that is difficult for me is getting up in front of people and doing a good job giving God the glory for my story. It is so easy for me to ramble about each and every little thing I have gone through. But I really want this to be an opportunity to be a blessing to any one out there who is suffering from loss, depression, anxiety, etc.

So this is where I need prayer...and also for time for me to get away alone with God and meditate on what it is God wants me to share and how.

Thank you ahead of time! Also, my testimony will be recorded and I will post the link here on my blog when it is available.

our little girl

We have had so much fun the last few weeks...Kaylee turned 5 and we really celebrated her this year! We all 3 went to Minneapolis for a wedding and took Kay to the "American Girl" store where we had a tea party. Then we had a Princess Tea Party with all her little princess friends.
This is the first year she really got into her birthday and understood it.

For me this celebrating was so sweet. It has always been really hard for me to watch this little girl grow older...I guess since we don't know if we"ll ever get to experience other children it is especially hard to watch it pass. But this year was different for me. I felt so free to celebrate this little girl, this life that God has given us to care for, to teach, to learn all about him. And I have been given a new freedom to enjoy her growing older. She has truly become a delightful little girl. So intuitive and curious about the world around her! So ready to learn new things.

We have certainly been blessed beyond compare in the life of this child!

The Farm

Hanging out by the campfire
Mark finally got Kaylee on the horse
Getting close to the Buffalo
The house my Mom grew up in


Kaylee was so funny...the cows were smelly!
At the "Wilds" checking out Giraffe and Rhinos
Beautiful sunset

We had so much fun last weekend at the farm. My mom grew up on a large farm and so we always enjoy going back to PA to visit and see the beautiful rolling hills. The older I get, the more amazed I am by it's beauty. We actually got to see the stars at night! We got to show Kaylee what the sky looked the way God created it. She reads all about the stars in so many books, but has never seen them at night for real! Here are some pictures of our time at the farm...more to come with cousins soon!

Complete

John 15: 9-11 "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in His love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete."


I am getting ready to wrap up my study "Learning Through Loss." It is not the study, rather the Healer, who has brought me to this place of completeness. The depression that accompanied my losses is but a memory. I read this snippet on depression the author writes, "Some who struggle with loss struggle to the point of depression. Overwhelming feelings of sadness come and go, but some spiral downward with their sad feelings until they cease to handle their responsibilities...Those who are truly depressed are those who have lost hope. They no longer believe that God has a good purpose for their situation, that God cares, or that He will help them. This kind of doubt in God and His Word can become crippling unless there is a heart change that acknowledges the sin of doubting God and His promises."

The study portion of the above verse says, "When things are going well, we feel elated. When hardships come, we sink into depression. But true joy transcends the rolling waves of circumstance. Joy comes from a consistent relationship with Jesus Christ. When our lives are intertwined with His, He will help us walk through adversity without sinking into debilitating lows and manage prosperity without moving into deceptive highs. The joy of living with Jesus Christ daily will keep us level-headed, no matter how high or low our circumstances."

I am not proud to say I had days that I sunk into debilitating lows. Thankfully they were not many. And thank God, he pulled me out. This healing business has been a process for me. I could write a book, and a long one, about all the "come to Jesus" moments I had. But never have I felt more complete, whole, and at such peace as I do today. When I ponder why that is, many things come to mind. I do not know how or why these things have played a role, I just know they did.

One of the most extraordinary blessings that came from this journey is my marriage. I would never have said we had a "rough" marriage or really many "issues." But I also never fully understood the amount of joy that could come from 2 people joined together in God's name for His glory. We have talked much about what God has transformed us into and it still amazes both of us. This may sound crazy and outlandish, but I can honestly say the last 3 years of suffering was worth the transformation that God has done in both of our lives and together as a marriage.

Friends

Wow, the summer has practically flown by! For the first time in 3 years, I have completely enjoyed it! This summer has marked so many changes for me. The first has to do directly with me. God has brought so much healing to me through all my babies this summer. I have been able to "live in the moment" and have so much fun doing just that. Mark and I have so enjoyed Kaylee this summer.
It has been so nice not to plan for a pregnancy and all the unknown that comes with that.

One big change for us recently was saying goodbye to our best friends who are heading on an incredible journey across the world. I will never forget when Mark called John to convince him to interview for a youth pastor position here in Cincinnati. I had no idea how our families would mesh and the friendships that would evolve through them moving here. That was 7 years ago. Just a week and a half ago we said goodbye to the 4 of them. God has provided an incredible opportunity with them in Macedonia starting the first professional basketball team. They are working with AIA (Athletes in Action), a Christian organization. If you would like to follow their journey just click here http://thejakusfamily.blogspot.com/

We already are missing them! Thank God for the internet and Skype!
Here is a picture of Kaylee and Brady recently, she is completely convinced they
will get married, even though recently he told her he has another girl in mind for that!

Home from Haiti!

Mark made it safely home almost a week ago! Kaylee and I got to pick him up at the airport.
She was so excited to see her daddy! He had an awesome trip and fell in love with the people
and children of Haiti. Thank you for all your prayers!

While the Daddy is away the girls must play!

This girl loves to dress-up!



This dress-up outfit is hilarious!

Swimming in the hot tub!
Snuggling on Mimi's porch

Haiti

Mark is officially in route to Haiti. He is expected to arrive today at 3:30!!
If you would like to follow his trip, he started a blog:

http://www.thehaitiannation.blogspot.com/

Please keep him and the group in your prayers, he is in charge of the high schoolers as well!!

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for everyone who supported him through a financial gift or prayers!! I can't wait to see what God has in store for Mark through this amazing opportunity!

Blessings, Angie

Good stuff...

I came upon this wisdom while reading my bible study today...

"From where does true joy come? What do you think would make you happy all the time? Are your circumstances keeping you from experiencing joy or making you unhappy? Have you found the joy of being rightly related to God? God means for your happiness to come from knowing Him and knowing that your sins have been forgiven rather than from the temporal blessings He gives or does not give. We live in an ever-changing world; only God never changes. 'Jesus is the same yesterday and today, and forever.' (Hebrews 13:8) If your happiness is based on your circumstances or getting what you want, you will end up living on an emotional roller coaster. These emotional highs and lows make you 'unstable in all your ways' because they are connected to doubts about God's goodness and love for you (James 1:6-8) Stability and peace come from knowing God and trusting His purpose for your life. We are to find our happiness (our boast) in Him!"

Just thought I'd share that!

Haiti

As some of you already know, Mark is about to embark on his first over seas mission trip to Haiti in 2 short weeks. As you all know, Haiti was hit with a devastating earthquake in January. Being the poorest country in the world before the quake hit, there is so much need in this country. Our church Lifespring Christian Church has partnered with HOM, Haiti Outreach Ministries, in order to serve this need. Their website explains their mission and the way they have been serving the Haitians for years, www.haitioutreachministries.org.

While this is an unbelievable opportunity for Mark, it also has raised a certain amount of concern for me. We have prayed about this decision for months now and feel like God is truly leading him on this journey. My concerns are 2 fold. Safety is one concern, and his health is another.

I would just ask for your prayers in this. I know God will bring about so much blessing to Mark's heart and to all the people involved in this trip. Here are a few of the specifics to pray for:

1) Safety for the team (they will be staying in an old school building without toilets or showers, they will have to go outside for these services)
2) Health (many people have been getting sick, even though they avoid drinking the water)
3) The Haitians hearts will be open to Christ (Haiti is heavily populated with devil worshiping practices)
4) The team will be equipped to fulfill their roles in Haiti (which includes home construction, roof repair, and teaching children English)
5) For Kaylee and me while Mark is gone, that we would be able to communicate with Mark and would have peace while He is gone

Thank you for your love and support of our family!

P.S. Mark will either hijack my blog while there or he will send me messages to post so keep checking back for updates. The trip dates are June 25th-July 3rd.

Time

Time seems to go by so fast...we are just days away from my due date with this past baby girl. Some days it seems like forever since we lost her, sometimes just yesterday. This past weekend marked 3 years since we started this journey, my very first miscarriage. Crazy to think it has been that long. Kaylee was just a baby. Now she is such a big girl!

It's hard to describe how I feel right now. God has infused to much joy in my heart these last several months, so much contentment. Probably the reason I haven't blogged regularly. I am truly enjoying life, and from such a different perspective. But the pain is still so fresh and it still hurts so much. After 3 years of desiring a sweet baby and siblings for our little girl we are no closer to that dream today than we were 3 years ago. And yet God has done miraculous work to my heart. Would that be the case had I experienced pregnancy so easily? I really don't have many answers.

I love to ponder on God's word. He has ministered so much to my aches through His truth.
I can read this verse and claim it as truth in my heart...Psalm 27:13-14 "I am still confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." I used to think waiting on the Lord meant, "wait for that long awaited baby He will surely give me." Now I see how He has so much more "waiting" for me than anything on this earth. He may choose to bless our home with more children or He may not. Either way, I love Him with all my heart and will continue to serve Him. For what He has done to me over the last several months I could not fathom. He has shown me how good life can be in the midst of my plan being thwarted.

Hebrews 11: 1, 3, and 40
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see...By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible...God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."

My sweetness!

She loves her umbrella!
Kay trying to find the monkey's on the map since we couldn't!
Family time at Ault Park!

Time away

I finally am feeling settled back to life. The last month came and went so incredibly fast. Hawaii was so wonderful. It was so refreshing to having nothing on our agenda and to just relax. I can't remember a time when we got to simply relax for 9 straight days. The other 2 days were traveling days, which were great too, considering I had no responsibilities other than remembering my carry- ons! I was able to read a book from front to cover! And of course the time spent with Mark was unforgettable. Just taking time to stop and watch the sun set at night reminded me of how fast life goes by in our busy world. I never watch the sunset in Cincinnati. That may be due to the fact I don't have a breath taking view of an ocean outside my house...either way, life is so short.

Mark and I got a few chances to take walks and just look around at God's amazing creation. It seriously stunned us how much beauty God has created for us to enjoy. We got to see dolphins, sea turtles, octapus, eels, all sorts of colorful fish, and (my favorite) a whale! One of the most amazing things we did while there was take a plane ride over the entire Big Island of Hawaii. Words or pictures could not describe the breath taking beauty we saw from the sky. The lush green rain forests with waterfalls on the "wet" side of the island and the active lava flowing volcano on the "dry side." It looked as if we were flying over the moon when we passed the lava on the volcano. I got choked up as we glided past the lava oozing . Just to see what man could never create blew me away. We even got to see the red hot lava. We saw a pretty amazing crater oozing smoke as well.

I am so thankful God has blessed us with the opportunity to see parts of the world. The best part is seeing it with Mark. Our time together was so great. We both missed Kay tons and were quite ready to come home to her. Both of our parents watched her while we were gone. It was so wonderful to not have to worry about her the entire time.

Once we got home and unpacked, I came down with a nasty flu bug. I was pretty much bedridden for a few days. I ended up on my 4th antibiotic in 4 months and am praying the last one. It was so hard to go from paradise in Hawaii to feeling so sick. I am on my feet again and it feels so good. I have been trying not to worry about house stuff and just have fun with my little girl.

That is all for now...I will post some more pics of sunsets and volcano's soon!

Hawaii

Right now

It has been some time since I have regularly updated my blog. Time passes so quickly and I am reminding myself to cherish the "right now." Just watching my baby girl grow and learn reminds me how fast they grow up. I have compiled a journal just for her one day to read. It is filled with all the funny things she has said, all the fun things we have done, as well as my thoughts on how much fun raising her has been. It is something I pray she will treasure one day.

I am also in the midst of cherishing my time with Mark. He has had many health issues over the last several years. I feel we are at some sort of specialist each month. I am reminded to enjoy our life "right now" and not look ahead so much. It is so easy to look ahead and want. But when I truly sit down with the Lord and spend time thanking Him, I am brought to my knees by His goodness. He has blessed me in ways I never imagined. We are just days away from a trip to Hawaii that Mark in his hard work earned for us. Which reminds me how thankful I am for a job that blesses us so richly. I am thankful for both of our wonderful parents who have willingly agreed to care for Kaylee so we can get away.

I am thankful for how God has revealed Himself to us as of late. I have watched as He has opened many doors in our lives to be His voice and share what He is about with other people. He has used Mark in such amazing ways lately that it truly has left us in awe. I am so enjoying where God has placed us "right now."

It's hard to believe it has only been 4 months since I lost our latest baby. The grieving process this time was so much different. There was no time of numbness. I am certain I am not through this process yet, but this time I am not suffocating in the pain like I was in the past. For the first time in a long time, I am content with our small family God has given us. It has been so peaceful to rest in that.

Our counseling continues to be so encouraging. We both so enjoy it, as crazy as that sounds. It is really helping us make boundries and not second guessing our decisions. Having a sounding board to bounce our thoughts onto has been so helpful.

I am learning what it means to enjoy the "right now" and it is good. I am confident God will have much more to teach me throughout my journey, but for now I am enjoying where He has placed me and who He has placed me with...
I will post a few pictures from our time away when we return, God Bless.

Free

It has been quite some time since my last blog. A lot is going on in our lives. I am finding computer time to be less and less these days. Our church (along with 84 other churches in Cincinnati) started a series called "Free". It has been great. We all have these workbooks that were so carefully thought out and well written. Mark and I both have been realizing so much about our lives and where we have been settling. It's so easy to think the little habits or idiosincracies in our life are just "who we are" and never going to change. It has been so freeing to know these things can certainly be changed with God's power through His spirit.

It has been revealed to me areas in my life where I am in bondage. God never intended for us to live in bondage to anything, but rather to be free. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom". I am finding when I heed what my conscious is telling me (which is really God's Spirit), like "rest" or "keep a quiet tongue", that I am always thankful I listened. But how often do I try to figure things out on my own, with my own strength, my own power, only to completely exhaust.

Mark and I recently started grief counseling from a Christian counseling group in town.
We both have so enjoyed it. We kinda look forward to it all day, like a date night , crazy, I know.
At the 1st session we told of our last 3 years and after speaking it all out loud realized how much we have truly gone through. At the end of our story the Counselor threw up his hands and said, "really, that's it? " We both laughed out loud having no idea where he was headed. He then started sharing how he would expect a lot more than some anxiety on both of our parts and some depression here and there. He asked how our marriage has been able to survive this and how we have been able to function up until this point? We really had no answers. Honestly, we have not "done" the right things through out our suffering and grief. Both of us felt we have distanced ourselves from God at times, both felt we have treated each other harshly at times, both have admitted to selfishness, both have tried more times than not to use our own strength. And both of us have been so incredibly exhausted.

As we reflect more on his question, the only solid explanation is being carried by God all this time. I think it's no coincidence this "Free" series has come at this time in our lives. I feel a nudge from God that He is ready for us to make the next move to our freedom. He has provided in more ways than I have time to explain, in every aspect of our lives. He has given us more Grace than we ever could have earned. He has loved us more than we are capable of loving. We are finally ready to be free...

here's a quote form our workbook that says it so well: "Remember: getting free isn't about jumping through the right hoops or correcting your thinking. Freedom comes from a changed heart and a fundamental belief that God is good and intends good things for you, even when circumstances don't seem to line up with that belief...True freedom is about receiving what was always yours to claim."

Humility

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)

I have learned a bit about humility the last several weeks.
I have learned a lot about my role as a wife and mother consequently too.

I recently started a great bible study called, "Learning Through Loss." I am doing it by myself and it has been so good for me. It is specifically written for those who have lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death. The woman who wrote it also wrote the book, "Morning Will Come," which is a compilation of stories of women who have lost babies. I can relate to every single question she asks in this study. Amazing how that happens. She talks about jealousy, heartache, intense grief, doubt, questioning God, and believing lies. She also brings such soothing scripture to mind, most of which I have previously cited here on my blog.

My eyes have been opened as of late about where my heart was settling. I am ashamed to admit that it took quite an event to really open them. Why is it that pruning us is not an easy process?
Well, either way, I am so thankful for it. I have been neglecting so many "duties", so to speak, in my life. I had great excuses for each of them, of course. I guess I have been living like a porcelin doll, just waiting to be crushed. I have been so consumed with what I can and can't handle and what I should or shouldn't do in order to protect myself. How ironic that in doing so, I was more anxious and more unsatisfied. After the "revelation" came to me, I asked God and Mark for forgiveness and have since been on a new path. I realized how incredibly selfish and self absorbed I have been. One could argue that I had every right to feel sorry for myself because of what I have been through. Oh, how I believed that lie!

I feel as though God has taken such a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel free. More free than I have in such a long time. I am free to serve my husband the way God has designed me too. I am free to serve my precious little girl. I had believed that I was incapable of doing these things because of my grief, and the crazy part was I was OK with it.

I have so much more energy than I have had in such a long time. I have so much more love for my family. I am so content with the man God has blessed me with to walk this road. And so content with my one and only child He has graciously given us to parent.

There is no greater joy than knowing I am under God's "mighty hand." There is no place I'd rather be. He is showing me what my life is really about. Not about me. All about Him.
That is one reason I have sooo enjoyed serving my family in a whole new way. I am not doing so to hear how great of a job I am doing or to be appreciated. Of course that feels good too. But, I truly am enjoying it since I know it is what the Lord wants of me.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way: walk in it'." (Isaiah 30:21)

Amazing

This past weekend was one of the most amazing times I have had with Mark.
He bought me tickets to a concert in Ann Arbor as a Christmas gift. We have recently
got into a few new bands and were both excited to check them out at a Folk Festival.
The week leading up to our little getaway will go down as one of our most trying ones
ever. There were moments last week when we did not know how God would pull us through.
We had hope, but we just didn't know what it would look like.
So, we were both very excited to get away and just be together. Every little thing we did was so much fun. Even the car ride together and being able to hold on a conversation without being interrupted by a very talkative little girl was so great. We used to hate car rides, until we had a renewed perspective on being alone.
One of the great things that came out of last weekend was realizing how truly amazing my husband is. I mean, I would have said that before, but I am so much more aware of it than ever. I have been down so many roads the last few years and have learned so much, but I really took Mark for granted during all of it. I am just so thankful for my eyes to be opened to what blessings God has showered my life with. Amazing how your perspective can change so suddenly, and so often.
I have so much to be thankful for, so much God has given me, so much in the 2 amazing people
God has placed in my home to love and serve.