Putting Christmas into perspective

Shortly after my fourth miscarriage I received a very encouraging email. She spoke of her sorrow for our family's recent loss and more importantly for her joy for our heavenly gain. As I reflected on what that exactly meant, I was reminded of one of my favorite verses since entering into the last year and a half of suffering. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain..." (Revelation 21:4) I am so encouraged by these words, who can imagine that day, no more pain? (John was speaking of the day Jesus will come back to earth and claim His people.) I can imagine it more and more every day. As I watch the broken world around us, and hear of other people suffering, I am reminded that 4 of my babies will never have to endure suffering or pain. Not only will they never experience these hardships, best of all, they get to be with Jesus. Now I can see the heavenly gain she was speaking of.

This month has proved to be more difficult than I had previously thought. I was prepared for a little "holiday blues." What I wasn't prepared for was how my heart would break for the first child we lost. This month would have been that baby's first birthday. I was not prepared for how deeply I would grieve over that baby all over again. I remember thinking how I should have 3 children to celebrate Christmas with this year. Our third baby would have turned 3 months old this month as well.

Thankfully, my grief did not end there. After a few more hard days and much time spent talking and crying with Mark, I released my grief to the Lord. Not to say it won't creep up on me again, but I do feel His gentle hand wiping away my tears.

Really, life is all about perspective I am learning. Putting the important things into perspective is not always easy or pain-free, but the honest joy and hope that comes from it are well worth it.
As Kaylee and I were reading a pile of her favorite Christmas books, she was asking me some pretty cute questions. She asked about Santa and the Nutcracker. Then I reminded her that soon it would be Jesus' birthday. Her eyes got real big and she said. "Do I get to meet Jesus? Is He coming to Kay Kay's house?" And I just was reminded of how a child sees that world and how exciting this time of year is to them! It makes me long to have a child's perspective on life.

Merry Christmas, hope you all sense the Joy and comfort of this very special time!

Peace in the midst of the unknown

There is so much to be said for peace. We all have different definitions of what peace is and how we obtain it. We all have days we long for it and days it seems there is none in sight. But the unknown can bring so much unrest and anxiety where it is a real struggle to allow peace to enter our hearts.
I am reminded of a verse in Philippians 4: 6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
It is true that God's idea of peace is not the world's idea of it. The study portion of this verse says, "true peace is not found in positive thinking, in absence of conflict, or in good feelings. It comes from knowing that God is in control."

Since the first of my miscarriages, I have struggled with anxiety and bouts of depression. This is not always easy to share. The more I talk to people I find how prevalent anxiety and depression is in our every day world. I know I am not nearly alone in these feelings and moments of pure "peacelessness", I know that is not a word, but you get the idea. I feel anxious over mindless easy tasks and then feel guilty for ever feeling that way to begin with. Such a nasty cycle.
But the peace that Paul is speaking of is not of the "good" feeling of peace, but the reassuring belief of knowing God is in control. There is really nothing more comforting to me than knowing this truth and being reminded over and over again by His word.

There is so much going on with Mark and I that can so easily bring me anxiety. Grief alone, not to mention the unknown of the future is a real struggle for me daily. Yet somehow, God sees it fit to bring peace to my heart, whether it's through an encouraging note from a friend or time spent alone with my husband, it is always just what I need. I am truly thankful for that!

Kayee's first 4 Christmas'

Some of my favorites...

Praises

As I sit here thinking of all that I am grateful for, I am reminded of the Holiday we just passed and the one we are about to enjoy. Most of all I am reminded of God's love for me. I really have so much to be thankful for. But before I go there, let's be honest, I have not always "felt" thankful, nor do I think my circumstances alone are any reason to be thankful.

Those of you who know the deep pain of losing someone close to you can understand the suffering and emptiness it brings. Many times over the last year and a half I have struggled with self pity. A not so fun way of making myself justified in reacting to things or even people because of what I am going through. Recently, I have been convicted of this and have really strived to change my attitude. Not so easy to do I am learning, esp without God's help.

What I have found helpful in this matter is to be about other people instead of about myself.
One way I am learning this is through prayer. I always feel I have so much to pray for, in fact, a whole laundry list of what I need and what will "fix" my situation. Not that there is anything wrong with presenting our requests to God, no matter how little or big they are. But, the piece I am missing out on is the blessing of daily taking time to pray for the people in my life.
Every time that I make it a point to have accountabilty with a friend and decide to pray for them, God brings me further away from my self and closer to Him, exactly what I need.
The other thing that happens is God reminds me of the many people in my life that are suffering too. So, in light of my recent revelations, I am so thankful for the people God has sent me to help teach me, love me, and serve me during this time of suffering.

One of the things I am thankful for is the many meals that were brought to my family during the past month. What a blessing and relief it was to not have to worry about making or planning dinner. And for those of you who know me well, you know cooking is not one of my gifts!

Another thing I am thankful for is the most recent test results which show there is really nothing major keeping us from the chance to having more healthy children one day!


The last but not least thing on my list of things to be thankful for is that Mark's brother Paul and his wife Shona and their 3 boys are moving right down the street from us after 9 long years of living very far away!!
We are so excited to have them back and for Kaylee to grow up with her cousins.
For those of you who know Kaylee well, you know that she is crazy about the oldest boy, Josh.
Yes, this is the one whose picture she has to sleep with most nights! Since we have told Kaylee that they are moving here she asks every day if they have moved yet! It will be a long three weeks until they move here!

The season of Thankfulness has arrived, one I hope will continue to grow me this holiday season. As I know it is always a challenge to go through the holidays with a recent loss, I will keep my eyes on what I do have, what is real, and what is right in front of me...

More than Conquerors...

The title of one of the many places in God's word that is giving me hope is "More than Conquerors."
Interesting and eye catching as it was to me, it is so healing to read. Directly below this title is the verse that has been imprinted on my heart these last few weeks, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8: 28)

This past summer, I had the privelege to walk through an amazing book with some dear friends from one of my MOPS groups. The book is called, "Becoming a Woman of Purpose."
Ironically, this same verse is printed on the very cover of that book as well. The time spent reading the book and discussing it with friends proved to be to eye opening and healing to the pain I have endured for the past 18 or so months. I had the opportunity to really understand what this verse means and how it can be applied to my life. The two chapters that seem to be where I am still finding myself daily are, "To wait on God with Hope" and "To trust God through Suffering."

I found the study portion in my bible particularly helpful for my understanding of what it means for God to work for the good of those who love Him. It says this:

"God works in 'all things' - not just isolated incidents- for our good.
This does not mean that all that happens to us is good. Evil is prevalent
in our fallen world, but God is able to turn every circumstance around
for our long-range good. Note that God is not working to make us happy,
but to fulfill His purpose."

So as Mark and I journey to a long range of specialists and appointments starting with today, we are holding fast to this promise that is fully ours to receive.

My little girl

So, how can I really explain what life is like without sharing how God is using a little child to grow Mark and I daily. The last few days have been hard, thinking over the test results and just soaking it up, it takes over your whole mind if you let it.

We think that Kaylee does not understand what is going on around her, and then BAM, she says the most enlightened comment that neither Mark nor I could come up with on our own.
The day we discovered the baby's heart had stopped beating, we were sad and crying. Kaylee was with us in the ultrasound room and throughout the next several hours including the time spent talking with the doctor. Once things calmed down a bit, Kaylee was frustrated she had not been informed as what was making her parents so sad. She came up to me with the saddest little look on her face and said, "Mommy, is something wrong with you?" As I smiled and kissed her face, I told her that I had a baby in my tummy and now the baby is with Jesus. She immediately spoke up saying, "Don't be sad mommy, Jesus will give it back to you one day." I just smiled and told her how smart she was!

The day the doctor called with some of the test results, Kay was once again right with us, soaking it all up again. As tears ran down our faces, she reached for my hand and said, "Mommy are you so sad about the baby again?" As I shook my head she said, "Remember mommy, Jesus will give you the baby back one day."

The next day was very hard, one of the hardest I have had yet. I just wanted to stay busy cleaning the house and organizing this or that. It took a little act of complete comic relief to bring me back to earth and remind me that this child right in front of me is a gift to be enjoyed every day. As I was just getting in the shower, Kaylee came barging in the bathroom with her pants hanging by her knees telling me she had peed on the floor. I quickly hopped out soaking wet and with soap on my head still. I knew most likely she would need to finish on the potty.
Of course, my mind was still wandering at this point, and so I totally forgot about where on the floor she had peed. So about an hour later, I remembered and asked her to show me where it was she had peed. She brought me to a little corner in the family room where her doll's potty chair was sitting, (the potty chair was no bigger than a small cereal bowl.) As I reached for it I noticed she had tried to sit on it and filled it so high with pee that it spilled over onto the floor.
Needless to say, I was laughing so hard I had to run out of the room. I then explained to her that the potty chair was only for pretend and not for real people to use.

Thankfully, there is not a day that goes by where Kaylee does not brings comedy, wisdom, and pure fun to Mark and I both. We realize more and more each day what a pure miracle her life is and how truly blessed we are to be given her for a time. I know that all of our children, all 5 of them, were on loan to us from God. We never know how long we will have these little blessings. What I do know is that I will spend the time I do have enjoying Kaylee!

The Thorn...

Mark and I received some more disheartening news about our situation yesterday.
It is hard to put into words how we are feeling or what we are thinking. As I sat here in prayer
asking God to bring us peace, I was reminded of the Apostle Paul and the "thorn in his flesh."
Such a Godly man, who lived to spread the gospel. "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor 12: 8-9). Paul goes on to say, "for when I am weak, then I am strong."
As I read over those words, I feel God's strength come over me like nothing I can begin to explain. Weak is such a good depiction of how I am feeling right now....physically, mentally, emotionally, I am so weak. As I read further in the study portion of this verse it explains how this "thorn" kept Paul humble, reminding him of his need for constant contact with God and how others benefited as they saw God at work in his life.


For those of you who wish to know what to specifically pray for our family, here are a few requests.... For our hearts to heal, for direction in where to go next, that Mark and I will come together on hard decisions we need to make, and for God to use us any way He sees fit during this time of suffering. Thank you for your love, support, and prayers.

The beginning

Well, in order to tell my story, I guess I'll have to start from the beginning. But before I go there, I'll refresh where I've been lately...

Mark and I have a beautiful 3 year old little girl, Kaylee. She is our little miracle, she surprised us with her life and has blessed us every day since that surprise. We truely know the blessing of being gifted a child, and for that we'll be forever grateful!
We have lost 4 babies to miscarriage. The first in May of 2007 at 13 weeks, the second in February of 2008 at 11 weeks, the third in September of 2008 at 5 weeks, and the forth just days ago in November of 2008 at 8 weeks.

I chose to make a blog in order to journal through my grief and prasies. There is just something so healing about sharing your story...I guess I have learned keeping it inside only festers ugly stuff, so as a healing process, I have chosen to share this with you.

Where else to start but the place where God first opened my eyes...

I met Mark in college at UC. We met on New Year's Eve at a party. I fell for his kind and gentle spirit right away. (he has another story, but since this is my blog, we'll go with my story!)
I am still amazed how God worked it all together. He used Mark in such a unique way to bring me to Him. Through one of the toughest times in his life, Mark was a tool for God to do a good work in me. God also sent me Mark's family, who impacted me greatly with my relationship with God. (Many years earlier, Mark had made the decision to give his life to the Lord.)
At this time in his life, he was conflicted with who God was to Him and how he fit in with God.
Through 2 1/2 years of dating Mark, learning his heart for God, and desiring to have a heart for Him too, I came to a place of emptiness......a place only God could fill and restore.

I was 22 years old, just finished college and started working as a nurse in the pediatric intensive care unit. Mark and I had been through some rough patches and chose to take a break to clarify what we each really wanted. We both knew it was all or nothing at this point.
I can remember this being the most lonely time in my life. Here I was with a great job, tons of family and friends surrounding me, and completely alone...sound familiar?
I started journaling, actually the only time in my life I had done such a thing, until recently.
For some reason, though instead of just writing my thoughts, I directed my words to God.
Until this time in my life, I would have said yes I knew God if someone asked me. I learned about him through years of parochial schooling and church. I thought to know God was to believe in Him.

The funny thing was for years I would have said that at that time in my life, I chose God. When really in reality God chose me! So at the age of 22, I gave my life to Christ. I made the decision to follow Him, not only to believe IN Him, but to believe Him and what he teaches us in His word.

Of course, you all know how things came about for Mark and I, we got back together and 18 months later were engaged to be married the following April. Though this was such a sweet time in my life, it was also a challenge for us in many ways. Both Mark and I wanted to honor God, though we were so cozy with our lifestyle and our ways of doing life.

The first year of our marriage was very difficult for many reasons. We grieved for our family, we watched both of our immediate families suffer through some pretty tough stuff. God really showed us how to comfort one another and to feel deep compassion for our siblings. Among one of the hardships we encountered was our beautiful little niece Julia, who was born without life. The way she has impacted lives is just such a blessing. Such a tiny little baby, yet a wonderful tool for God!

Just short of our first anniversary, God led dear friends of ours to Cincinnati to lead a youth group. Of course, we were quickly summoned as youth leaders for a bunch of high school kids.
I cannot explain how God impacted me through the lives of teenagers and watching their faith grow before my very eyes. Both Mark and I had the honor to "mentor" some young teens.
To see such desire and faith come from practically children just blew me away.

There were so many people God placed in our lives that impacted my relationship with Jesus. It's no wonder how much community is spoken of in the bible, God knew how much we would need people to walk beside us during life's journey's. There were several churches that played a huge impact on both Mark and my spiritual growth and consequently where we met so many of our dear friends who are journeying this road with us.

Looking back, I see the path He has paved for me, there were days I chose to hop on and ride it His way, and days I chose my own path. By the grace of God alone, I have been led back on path many times. I can vividly remember my 2nd miscarriage, moments after realizing I was losing yet another baby, I just fell facedown to the floor and cried out to God. I just begged Him to give me strength to praise him through this storm. I knew I did not have it in me, nor did it in any way come natural to my character to do such a thing. I knew only He could lead me on His path, in no way was I going to just go there on my own will.

So here I am, my days are long, my nights even longer...suffering, but I am not alone. I am reminded of God's purpose for me and that He has called me to this place of deep suffering. For I may never fully understand why, I am reminded "that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8: 28)






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