Putting Christmas into perspective

Shortly after my fourth miscarriage I received a very encouraging email. She spoke of her sorrow for our family's recent loss and more importantly for her joy for our heavenly gain. As I reflected on what that exactly meant, I was reminded of one of my favorite verses since entering into the last year and a half of suffering. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain..." (Revelation 21:4) I am so encouraged by these words, who can imagine that day, no more pain? (John was speaking of the day Jesus will come back to earth and claim His people.) I can imagine it more and more every day. As I watch the broken world around us, and hear of other people suffering, I am reminded that 4 of my babies will never have to endure suffering or pain. Not only will they never experience these hardships, best of all, they get to be with Jesus. Now I can see the heavenly gain she was speaking of.

This month has proved to be more difficult than I had previously thought. I was prepared for a little "holiday blues." What I wasn't prepared for was how my heart would break for the first child we lost. This month would have been that baby's first birthday. I was not prepared for how deeply I would grieve over that baby all over again. I remember thinking how I should have 3 children to celebrate Christmas with this year. Our third baby would have turned 3 months old this month as well.

Thankfully, my grief did not end there. After a few more hard days and much time spent talking and crying with Mark, I released my grief to the Lord. Not to say it won't creep up on me again, but I do feel His gentle hand wiping away my tears.

Really, life is all about perspective I am learning. Putting the important things into perspective is not always easy or pain-free, but the honest joy and hope that comes from it are well worth it.
As Kaylee and I were reading a pile of her favorite Christmas books, she was asking me some pretty cute questions. She asked about Santa and the Nutcracker. Then I reminded her that soon it would be Jesus' birthday. Her eyes got real big and she said. "Do I get to meet Jesus? Is He coming to Kay Kay's house?" And I just was reminded of how a child sees that world and how exciting this time of year is to them! It makes me long to have a child's perspective on life.

Merry Christmas, hope you all sense the Joy and comfort of this very special time!

Peace in the midst of the unknown

There is so much to be said for peace. We all have different definitions of what peace is and how we obtain it. We all have days we long for it and days it seems there is none in sight. But the unknown can bring so much unrest and anxiety where it is a real struggle to allow peace to enter our hearts.
I am reminded of a verse in Philippians 4: 6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
It is true that God's idea of peace is not the world's idea of it. The study portion of this verse says, "true peace is not found in positive thinking, in absence of conflict, or in good feelings. It comes from knowing that God is in control."

Since the first of my miscarriages, I have struggled with anxiety and bouts of depression. This is not always easy to share. The more I talk to people I find how prevalent anxiety and depression is in our every day world. I know I am not nearly alone in these feelings and moments of pure "peacelessness", I know that is not a word, but you get the idea. I feel anxious over mindless easy tasks and then feel guilty for ever feeling that way to begin with. Such a nasty cycle.
But the peace that Paul is speaking of is not of the "good" feeling of peace, but the reassuring belief of knowing God is in control. There is really nothing more comforting to me than knowing this truth and being reminded over and over again by His word.

There is so much going on with Mark and I that can so easily bring me anxiety. Grief alone, not to mention the unknown of the future is a real struggle for me daily. Yet somehow, God sees it fit to bring peace to my heart, whether it's through an encouraging note from a friend or time spent alone with my husband, it is always just what I need. I am truly thankful for that!

Kayee's first 4 Christmas'

Some of my favorites...

Praises

As I sit here thinking of all that I am grateful for, I am reminded of the Holiday we just passed and the one we are about to enjoy. Most of all I am reminded of God's love for me. I really have so much to be thankful for. But before I go there, let's be honest, I have not always "felt" thankful, nor do I think my circumstances alone are any reason to be thankful.

Those of you who know the deep pain of losing someone close to you can understand the suffering and emptiness it brings. Many times over the last year and a half I have struggled with self pity. A not so fun way of making myself justified in reacting to things or even people because of what I am going through. Recently, I have been convicted of this and have really strived to change my attitude. Not so easy to do I am learning, esp without God's help.

What I have found helpful in this matter is to be about other people instead of about myself.
One way I am learning this is through prayer. I always feel I have so much to pray for, in fact, a whole laundry list of what I need and what will "fix" my situation. Not that there is anything wrong with presenting our requests to God, no matter how little or big they are. But, the piece I am missing out on is the blessing of daily taking time to pray for the people in my life.
Every time that I make it a point to have accountabilty with a friend and decide to pray for them, God brings me further away from my self and closer to Him, exactly what I need.
The other thing that happens is God reminds me of the many people in my life that are suffering too. So, in light of my recent revelations, I am so thankful for the people God has sent me to help teach me, love me, and serve me during this time of suffering.

One of the things I am thankful for is the many meals that were brought to my family during the past month. What a blessing and relief it was to not have to worry about making or planning dinner. And for those of you who know me well, you know cooking is not one of my gifts!

Another thing I am thankful for is the most recent test results which show there is really nothing major keeping us from the chance to having more healthy children one day!


The last but not least thing on my list of things to be thankful for is that Mark's brother Paul and his wife Shona and their 3 boys are moving right down the street from us after 9 long years of living very far away!!
We are so excited to have them back and for Kaylee to grow up with her cousins.
For those of you who know Kaylee well, you know that she is crazy about the oldest boy, Josh.
Yes, this is the one whose picture she has to sleep with most nights! Since we have told Kaylee that they are moving here she asks every day if they have moved yet! It will be a long three weeks until they move here!

The season of Thankfulness has arrived, one I hope will continue to grow me this holiday season. As I know it is always a challenge to go through the holidays with a recent loss, I will keep my eyes on what I do have, what is real, and what is right in front of me...