The beginning

Well, in order to tell my story, I guess I'll have to start from the beginning. But before I go there, I'll refresh where I've been lately...

Mark and I have a beautiful 3 year old little girl, Kaylee. She is our little miracle, she surprised us with her life and has blessed us every day since that surprise. We truely know the blessing of being gifted a child, and for that we'll be forever grateful!
We have lost 4 babies to miscarriage. The first in May of 2007 at 13 weeks, the second in February of 2008 at 11 weeks, the third in September of 2008 at 5 weeks, and the forth just days ago in November of 2008 at 8 weeks.

I chose to make a blog in order to journal through my grief and prasies. There is just something so healing about sharing your story...I guess I have learned keeping it inside only festers ugly stuff, so as a healing process, I have chosen to share this with you.

Where else to start but the place where God first opened my eyes...

I met Mark in college at UC. We met on New Year's Eve at a party. I fell for his kind and gentle spirit right away. (he has another story, but since this is my blog, we'll go with my story!)
I am still amazed how God worked it all together. He used Mark in such a unique way to bring me to Him. Through one of the toughest times in his life, Mark was a tool for God to do a good work in me. God also sent me Mark's family, who impacted me greatly with my relationship with God. (Many years earlier, Mark had made the decision to give his life to the Lord.)
At this time in his life, he was conflicted with who God was to Him and how he fit in with God.
Through 2 1/2 years of dating Mark, learning his heart for God, and desiring to have a heart for Him too, I came to a place of emptiness......a place only God could fill and restore.

I was 22 years old, just finished college and started working as a nurse in the pediatric intensive care unit. Mark and I had been through some rough patches and chose to take a break to clarify what we each really wanted. We both knew it was all or nothing at this point.
I can remember this being the most lonely time in my life. Here I was with a great job, tons of family and friends surrounding me, and completely alone...sound familiar?
I started journaling, actually the only time in my life I had done such a thing, until recently.
For some reason, though instead of just writing my thoughts, I directed my words to God.
Until this time in my life, I would have said yes I knew God if someone asked me. I learned about him through years of parochial schooling and church. I thought to know God was to believe in Him.

The funny thing was for years I would have said that at that time in my life, I chose God. When really in reality God chose me! So at the age of 22, I gave my life to Christ. I made the decision to follow Him, not only to believe IN Him, but to believe Him and what he teaches us in His word.

Of course, you all know how things came about for Mark and I, we got back together and 18 months later were engaged to be married the following April. Though this was such a sweet time in my life, it was also a challenge for us in many ways. Both Mark and I wanted to honor God, though we were so cozy with our lifestyle and our ways of doing life.

The first year of our marriage was very difficult for many reasons. We grieved for our family, we watched both of our immediate families suffer through some pretty tough stuff. God really showed us how to comfort one another and to feel deep compassion for our siblings. Among one of the hardships we encountered was our beautiful little niece Julia, who was born without life. The way she has impacted lives is just such a blessing. Such a tiny little baby, yet a wonderful tool for God!

Just short of our first anniversary, God led dear friends of ours to Cincinnati to lead a youth group. Of course, we were quickly summoned as youth leaders for a bunch of high school kids.
I cannot explain how God impacted me through the lives of teenagers and watching their faith grow before my very eyes. Both Mark and I had the honor to "mentor" some young teens.
To see such desire and faith come from practically children just blew me away.

There were so many people God placed in our lives that impacted my relationship with Jesus. It's no wonder how much community is spoken of in the bible, God knew how much we would need people to walk beside us during life's journey's. There were several churches that played a huge impact on both Mark and my spiritual growth and consequently where we met so many of our dear friends who are journeying this road with us.

Looking back, I see the path He has paved for me, there were days I chose to hop on and ride it His way, and days I chose my own path. By the grace of God alone, I have been led back on path many times. I can vividly remember my 2nd miscarriage, moments after realizing I was losing yet another baby, I just fell facedown to the floor and cried out to God. I just begged Him to give me strength to praise him through this storm. I knew I did not have it in me, nor did it in any way come natural to my character to do such a thing. I knew only He could lead me on His path, in no way was I going to just go there on my own will.

So here I am, my days are long, my nights even longer...suffering, but I am not alone. I am reminded of God's purpose for me and that He has called me to this place of deep suffering. For I may never fully understand why, I am reminded "that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8: 28)






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