A New kind of Peace

After talking with some of my close friends and family lately, I have realized how much calming peace has come over my demeanor. Many people have commented about how I seem different lately. And I just feel like crying out in thanksgiving to God for bringing this peace my way.

My depression has mostly been lifted, my anxiety very minimal, and yet there is no baby.

Amazing how that happens. For so long I thought a baby in my arms would be the only way for me to feel peace like this. There He goes again, full of surprises!

There is really no good explanation why this peace has covered me as of late. I mean, I did nothing out of my own will to bring it on.

So, the only solid explanation can be the loving Father covering me once again. I am in awe of how much joy has been rushed back into my life over the last month. I am enjoying Mark more than ever, having more giggles than ever with Kaylee, which one could argue is due to her persistant and hilarious little personality.

But really, I have just plain and simply been enjoying life more and more. Seems absurd when I think about it, when I really think over my circumstances and how I am no closer today to having my sweet babies back.

I have decided to praise the Lord for this miracle and to trust He has so much more waiting for me, or us, I should say.

I will say I am beginning to know what Paul meant when he said, "...and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:7) At least I can relate to the "transcends all understanding" part, because this peace I am experiencing makes no good sense to me whatsoever. But, hey, I'll take it!

Someday Heaven

My long time family dog, Snowy, died last week after outliving most dogs of his breed.
He was almost 15 years old. I can vividly remember when we got him.

I was 16 years old, a junior in high school. My older sister Nicki had just left for college and my younger sister Crissy had just watched her Chinchilla die the week prior. In an attempt to comfort Crissy, my parents ventured to the pet store to get a new Chinchilla and, well, came home with Snowy, go figure.

Kaylee just loved Snowy and Wrigley did as well. That poor dog got more tugs and pulls and unwanted love from my child and my dog then he ever knew what to do with.

My parents were pretty upset when he passed away and were stunned at how sad they felt for "just a dog."
Snowy represented a time in our family's life when lots of changes had occurred.
Children grew into adults,
left the home,
moved away,
married,
had children (a child) of their own.
And the memories brought out a lot of the pain our family drudged through over the last 15 years.
He was always a constant, no matter what went on with the three of us girls, or my parents for that matter.

So as I sat down to explain to Kaylee that she would never see Snowy again, I saw confusion in her eyes. We told her that Snowy was sick and died, and that Mimi and Papa were sad.
She looked at me for a few minutes and asked
"why doesn't Jesus like Snowy?"
I tried not to laugh at her comment, especially since I saw a look of sincerity in her eyes. I realized this child has heard a lot about death through us losing 4 babies over the past 2 years. She knows about her cousin Julia living with Jesus and her siblings as well.

So I thought it was time to teach her about what we know of heaven and death. I was given a great book that has been so helpful in teaching Kay all about what the bible tells us about heaven. It is called "Someday Heaven," by Larry Libby.

I realized how impressionable this child truly is and how I wanted to instill truth in her at a young age.
So we opened the book together and have been reading through it ever since. It covers lots of questions that even most adults may not know the answers too.

It's so easy to dream about what we want heaven to be like and to teach our kids according to our hopes and desires.
It has been fun to watch her question life, death, and heaven.
I think it will instill a sense of reality and she will come to see that death is not something to fear, but rather to rejoice in the true life it can bring "someday" in "heaven.'

More in His presence

Since starting my blog, God has done a lot of damage control to my heart.
Although it was an uncomfortable step I took to open myself for anyone to see and read about my many downfalls throughout this journey, it was a step worth taking.

I am amazed how many stories have been shared with me of other women who have lost children both after birth and before. Many of these stories would not have been shared with me had I still been living in the world of "woe is me."

Through talking with friends and receiving feedback from my blog, I have had the privelage to share in their journeys.
There is just something so comforting to hear about how God has worked on their hearts and transformed their lives.

I have finally reached the place where I am ready and willing for that transformation.

I have recently grieved for a dear family member who lost her precious girl just last week. It was so hard to process all the pain she was enduring and the unknown she was to face.
My heart broke again for babies lost.
God does something to your heart when you grieve for other people. At times it really sucks because you feel pain so much more intensely than before you knew of it yourself.

Does that make any sense at all? For me it does.

The good part of it lies in the relationships built and the tower of support that is being built.
And of course the way that it grows us ever closer to the Lord.

As I think of these precious babies, I remember where they are and
Whose presence they are in.

I was recently re-reading a book of stories of women who had lost babies and I stumbled upon a poem one mother wrote. I thought I'd share it with you.


"For my Precious Children"

I wondered who you'd look like;
Maybe me, perhaps Dad;
I wondered what your future held,
A future you never had.
I never looked into your eyes
Or held your tiny hand;
Now you play on streets of gold
In God's Heavenly land.
Why you're no longer here
I just can't understand,
But I know I'll recognize you
In God's heavenly land.
I'll know your precious voice,
I'll hug you, Oh, so near;
My heart will be complete again
I'll thank God He brought you here.




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