A new Season

This week marks a special milestone in my life, my baby girl started preschool!
It has been so fun to gear her up for the big day, get her supplies, and talk to her all
about what school is like. She is so ready for this new season of life. She is so incredibly outgoing
and loves to meet new people. I am equally excited for this new journey. I love to see Kaylee learn and share the new exciting things in her world with us.

I snuck in a little early to pick her up the first day peeking in her door. I tried to be discreet, but, well, she totally saw me, started screaming mommy, and I felt like a looser mom! After class, her very sweet teacher gently reminded me of how the flow of parents comes and goes best. She explained that most parents have an older child down the hall or a baby in a pumpkin seat in their hands and that it is best to wait until the doors open to approach the class in order to move smoothly. Well, that kinda reminded me of something...it's no secret that the little mundane comments of life can hurt my wound on any given day. Ouch, I have neither of those.

Just a reminder of the pain that stings me ever so often.

I was catching up on my devotional from the day before and was just brought to tears when I read the paragraph. I will paraphrase what it said:
"The cross that my Lord calls me to carry may assume many different shapes...I may be required to continually cultivate the same field year after year, even though it yields no harvest whatsoever...I may be asked of God to nurture kind and loving thoughts about the very person who has wronged me...And I may be called to walk through this world with a bright, smiling face while my heart is breaking...Yes, there are many crosses, and every one of them is heavy and painful. And it is unlikely that I would seek out even one of them on my own. Yet Jesus is never as near to me as when I lift my cross, lay it submissively on my shoulder, and welcome it with a patient and uncomplaining spirit. He draws close to me in order to mature my wisdom, deepen my peace, increase my courage, and supplement my power. All this He does so that through the very experience that is so painful and distressing to me, I will be of greater use to others..."

This is my prayer,
as time passes,
and seasons change in my life,
that I would lift this cross willingly and shamelessly to Him...
and be of greater use to others through His power.

God's will

I know it has been some time since I have blogged. Mostly because I have not felt the urge from the Lord to share anything specific. I have been so thankful that life has been so enjoyable lately. I have seen so many blessings poured on my family this summer. We got to enjoy the beauty of Lake Michigan with Mark's extended family. Mark's hard work earned us an amazing trip to Europe just weeks ago. Mark and I get some R&R at a resort in Pennsylvania next week. My amazing parents have been so generously watching Kay so we can get away! I feel so spoiled, I really feel spoiled and just undeserving of it all. No worries, that has not gotten in the way of soaking it all up! But really life has been good!

As Mark and I prepare to venture down that road of "trying" again, I feel fear wanting to creep its ugly head at me. It has been so nice relaxing this summer and not even going there.

I have been reading a daily devotional called, "Streams in the Dessert." Today's devotion was just what I needed to hear.

It says: "Nothing that is not part of God's will is allowed to come into the life of someone who trusts and obeys Him. This truth should be enough to make our life one of ceaseless thanksgiving and joy, because God's will is the most hopeful, pleasant, and glorious thing in the world. It is the continuous working of His omnipotent power for our benefit , with nothing to prevent it, if we remain surrendered and believing... Someone who was passing through the deep water of affliction wrote a friend: 'Isn't it glorious to know that no matter how unjust something may be, even when it seems to have come from Satan himself, by the time it reaches us it is God's will for us and will ultimately work to our good?"

Of course this passage was followed by one of my favorite verses...
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Immediately I feel fear falling by the waist side. I have certainly been through the "deep water
of affliction." I may not have the same story as others who suffer, but we all have this in common; we are being formed into His likeness If we are surrendered to Him.
There is no other place I'd rather be than surrendered,
believe me, I have tried this on my own, many a times.
There is no greater place to be.
This is a daily thing, to be surrendered. It is a choice we make. A place we decide to go.
We do not know the result, or where He will take us, but we can be sure it is good.

So I am simply praying for God's will...

Some shots from our trip

Drained

We just got back from a 10 day trip on Sunday night. We had a blast. But for many reasons I could list, we are so drained. We spent many days on the beach in Lake Michigan splashing around, making sand castles, and of course taking lots of pictures. To end our little beach trip, we drove to Cleveland for 3 days for my cousin Julie's amazing wedding. Both trips were so meaningful and the time spent with family will be unforgettable. Kaylee had so much fun with all her cousins, the ones she knows well and the ones she is just meeting.

So why so drained? I certainly know where the saying "you need a vacation from your vacation" came from. I allowed myself to be occupied every second of the trip. Busyness was the game. Not that that is unusual for me normally, but this time I was missing something I so desperately need, time with the Lord.

As I fell into my usual home routine yesterday, I realized how much I missed out on this special time. One of the red flags was the way I started responding to my family, esp Mark and Kaylee, who usually get the brunt of my yucky side.
I became someone that I don't like very much, someone I have watched God tuck away over the last few years.

My anxiety swelled, my attitude shifted, my patience dropped. I became easily angered, quick to respond, and quiet for nothing. So disappointing.


I grabbed the book our MOPS group is reading called "Becoming a Women of Freedom", Which is awesome by the way. The chapter I opened was, "Laying Aside Busyness: Running with Rest." Heald says this in this chapter: "Most of us today run in the fast lane of life. We choose this lane for a "myriad" of reasons. We must examine the bulky weight of constant busyness, for we will have difficulty finishing our race at the speed with which some of us are running. If we're going to persevere, then we must learn to run with rest, the comfort and refreshment that the Lord so lovingly provides."

As I read on in the study I came to a verse that just brings me to a still place.
Psalm 23:1-3 "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul."
This verse is vastly known as one spoken at funerals... but so relevant to us still running the race.

The next chapter I dove into is "Laying Aside Anxiety: Running with Peace."
A quote on the first page really made sense to me.
"Areas of legitimate anxiety exist even for the strongest of believers. But the pressures of even legitimate concerns are not to dominate us or to make us habitually anxious, worried people. We escape by using anxiety creatively. This means that we must recognize the feeling of pressure and concern as a call to prayer.
We should immediately turn to God to lay our needs and the needs of others before him. We then turn back to live our lives encompassed by his peace. Anxiety, rather than drawing us away from God, draws us to him and thus fulfills his purpose for it in our lives."

This is so what I needed to hear. There is so much unknown in our future. We still have hope that God will bless us with more children. If I allow myself to think too much over the details, I get lost in a sea of questioning, and I rely on everything but Him.

I am so thankful for a God to quench my anxiety.
For He uses my weakness for ultimate good, to bring me back to my knees, to the only One I truly need.

While I'm Waiting...

While I'm Waiting, By John Waller

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Here is a Youtube video of this song I stumbled upon:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWI-iZsIKIk


Well, I heard this song the other day and when I got home I googled it and found this.
This past weekend marks our last due date. Our latest little one should have been born.
We know she was a little girl.
I have so many mixed emotions.
I watch Kaylee with babies all the time and just imagine what it would have been like for her to love on her little sister.

Oddly, I am so incredibly relieved, relieved I am done, at least for a time with the expectation of these sad reminders... I have empty arms for these little ones...

But what God has done to my life I could not have grasped, I could not have imagined, and because of that... I could not Love Him like I do today.

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
He rises to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for Him!" Isaiah 30: 18

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits.
and in His word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord...
put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with Him is full redemption." Psalm 130: 5-7

Remembering

Today is the 2 year anniversary of our first miscarriage. We were on vacation with our dear friends at the beach. I was just retelling the events of that time a few days ago to some friends.

Two years ago was the start of a changed heart.

My life has never been the same since that day.
Not because it was the most tragic thing that has ever happened to anybody, but because it was the most tragic thing that ever happened to Mark and I.

Two years ago is when the roller coaster began, when the depression first set in, when the anxiety was first noticed. When my heart truly broke for the first time...

Two years ago was when I realized I don't get to make the plans...

Two years ago is when God took hold of His child and forever changed her.

With confidence I can say I am grateful beyond measure to a God of Mercy, Compassion, Healing, and Restoration...for turning my tragedy into beauty. For changing a heart so in need of change. For bringing so much joy to my life through loss. Amazing how only He can do just that.

Today I have a heavy heart for more women who are suffering...how my heart hurts so much for them. How else would I have the compassion and heart to pray for them or be a part of their journey without my suffering. I see purpose.

I have watched as God has brought people into my life at just the right time to walk with me through the valley and I see how He is bringing people into my life so I might walk with them. Isn't this what life is all about?

I will still make plans in my everyday life... but I know He holds all the Plans, big and small, and oh how thankful I am for that.

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29: 11-14

Relentless Beauty

This is the title of the series we have been doing in church. We watched clips of amazing sea life during a few of the services and I just marveled at Creation. God created so much beauty for His beloved to enjoy and soak in. It has been a joy to teach my beautiful little girl all about what God made and how delighted He is to share His beauty with us. So I just had to share some of my recent pictures that captured His "Relentless Beauty." Enjoy!