Clarification

So after re-reading my last entry, I feel I must clarify something.

The author of the devotional I paraphrased said that our burdens are "God-given".
I know that is confusing, as it was for me as well.
I do not believe God was just waiting to slam me with miscarriage on top of miscarriage just to bring me to the place where He has.
He is all knowing, all sufficient, in that He does not need me to react a certain way to fulfill His mighty plan.

The fact is that He knows it all.

He knew the burdens that I would bear all along,
He knew the people He would so perfectly place in my life to comfort me,
and He knew ultimately how I would respond to all of it.

We live in a broken world.

I know there are specific times in my life where I have been burdened with guilt because of something I have done wrong or failed to do right. After coming through on the other side, I have seen God's hand in it and rejoiced that He loves me so much to refine me in my dark hours.

I know my current burdens I am bearing are not a punishment or something to teach me a lesson.
To be honest, I do not even somewhat have it all figured out, nor do I have God completely figured out.

What I do know is that He is the only way for me, the only TRUE comforter and restorer of this broken heart. And I have no doubt He will do just that and so much more. He is our ultimate "burden bearer" and He willingly does just that to those willing to surrender our burdens...

"Praise be the the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens."
Pslam 68: 19

A wow moment

You ever think of something then the next day pick up a book or magazine and read exactly what you were thinking?
Maybe it's just me, I have these "wow" moments every now and then.
I recently was given a daily devotional meant for people struggling. A devotional is a book that offers daily (with actual dates) inspirations and wisdom inspired by the bible. Since writing my last blog post, I have felt so free in many ways, especially about my future.
So to read today's entry was really crazy.

I am going to paraphrase it just to share how God is bringing His wisdom to me in these "wow" moments.

"Bearing the burden of crushing weight actually gives Christians wings. This may sound
like a contradiction in terms, but it is a blessed truth...The word "burden" is described
in my bible commentary as being "what Jehovah has given you." The saints' burdens
(sidenote- saints refers to a believer in Christ, one who has accepted His free gift of
salvation) are God-given, leading us to wait upon Him. And once we have done so,
the burden is transformed into a pair of wings through the miracle of TRUST, and the one who was weighted down "will soar on wings like eagles."

How amazing that only days after realizing that I needed to trust God with my life, that I would read in a devotional how God transforms willing hearts.

Oh that I would have only had a willing heart years ago.
But God had a bigger plan for my life, a plan of weaving trust through my tragedies and experiences so I would look to Him and not myself for the answers.

I just love the verse in Isaiah where this came from.

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40: 29-31)

Some Updates and a Breath of fresh air...

I had promised to update my blog on the whereabouts of where Mark and I are headed in our journey to growing our family. We met with a Perinatologist, fancy name for a high risk OB, last week. It was refreshing to have an open forum and ask all my questions as well as hear her side of my story and what she recommends. I have felt the need and desire to be taken seriously, something previous OB's were not necessarily doing for me. Although we didn't learn much new information, we did learn more about the clotting disorder that I was diagnosed with.
The fact that there is a medical explanation to some of the losses we have experienced is a relief, to say the least. I walked out of there feeling better. Mark and I were able to take some time and talk about our future and where we want to take all this information.

It wasn't until a few days later that I really had a revelation.

(That is where the "Breath of fresh air" comes into play.)
I read another book that someone dear had recommended to me.
Not sure if it was the book,
my appointment,
or of course the Mighty God that revealed Himself to me.

Did I really need a Doctor to tell me everything was going to be allright?
Did I really need a "fix" to my situation?
Did I need to come up with an unfailing plan for how to carry a baby?

What I have needed all this time, for the past 2 years I have been on this road of suffering, was right in front of me, each and every day... trust.
I did not know what that word meant, I mean truely KNOW what it meant to trust.

Before I explain myself, let me clarify what trust is NOT:
It is not trusting God will provide me with more children through pregnancy.
It is not beleiving surely He will not let this happen to us again.
It is not thinking positively.
It is not "one day I will be happy again".
It is not ceasing to allow suffering of other kinds to come into my life.

This is not trust.

It is what I allowed myself to believe for some time, but it is not the truth.

I looked up the word "trust" at the end of my concordance/dictionary in my bible.
It says this: to place one's confidence in; to hope; that which has been entusted.

Trust is an action we take, not a feeling we feel.
Trust takes a whole lot of faith, which can only come from God.

Did I really think I could trust God on my own strength, with my own power?
I was trusting medicine, or positivity, or my own thoughts, all things that will fail me over and over again.

I am so free. I write this with full assurance. I am finally trusting the God of the universe, the one who created all things with my life, my future, my family; and the best part is I have never felt so free in my life.

You see, my story has already been written...

and so has yours.

God already knows how many children I will have on earth,
and how many in heaven.
He knows every little joy and sorrow I will ever experience.
How can I freat my future when I know He will be right by my side through it all.
Through death, loss, tradegy.
Through life, birth, joy.
I have no idea what lies ahead of me or if I will carry another sweet baby in my womb.
But I have decided to trust Him with all the details, the little and the big ones.

I leave you with this,

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5-6