Clarification

So after re-reading my last entry, I feel I must clarify something.

The author of the devotional I paraphrased said that our burdens are "God-given".
I know that is confusing, as it was for me as well.
I do not believe God was just waiting to slam me with miscarriage on top of miscarriage just to bring me to the place where He has.
He is all knowing, all sufficient, in that He does not need me to react a certain way to fulfill His mighty plan.

The fact is that He knows it all.

He knew the burdens that I would bear all along,
He knew the people He would so perfectly place in my life to comfort me,
and He knew ultimately how I would respond to all of it.

We live in a broken world.

I know there are specific times in my life where I have been burdened with guilt because of something I have done wrong or failed to do right. After coming through on the other side, I have seen God's hand in it and rejoiced that He loves me so much to refine me in my dark hours.

I know my current burdens I am bearing are not a punishment or something to teach me a lesson.
To be honest, I do not even somewhat have it all figured out, nor do I have God completely figured out.

What I do know is that He is the only way for me, the only TRUE comforter and restorer of this broken heart. And I have no doubt He will do just that and so much more. He is our ultimate "burden bearer" and He willingly does just that to those willing to surrender our burdens...

"Praise be the the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens."
Pslam 68: 19

A wow moment

You ever think of something then the next day pick up a book or magazine and read exactly what you were thinking?
Maybe it's just me, I have these "wow" moments every now and then.
I recently was given a daily devotional meant for people struggling. A devotional is a book that offers daily (with actual dates) inspirations and wisdom inspired by the bible. Since writing my last blog post, I have felt so free in many ways, especially about my future.
So to read today's entry was really crazy.

I am going to paraphrase it just to share how God is bringing His wisdom to me in these "wow" moments.

"Bearing the burden of crushing weight actually gives Christians wings. This may sound
like a contradiction in terms, but it is a blessed truth...The word "burden" is described
in my bible commentary as being "what Jehovah has given you." The saints' burdens
(sidenote- saints refers to a believer in Christ, one who has accepted His free gift of
salvation) are God-given, leading us to wait upon Him. And once we have done so,
the burden is transformed into a pair of wings through the miracle of TRUST, and the one who was weighted down "will soar on wings like eagles."

How amazing that only days after realizing that I needed to trust God with my life, that I would read in a devotional how God transforms willing hearts.

Oh that I would have only had a willing heart years ago.
But God had a bigger plan for my life, a plan of weaving trust through my tragedies and experiences so I would look to Him and not myself for the answers.

I just love the verse in Isaiah where this came from.

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40: 29-31)

Some Updates and a Breath of fresh air...

I had promised to update my blog on the whereabouts of where Mark and I are headed in our journey to growing our family. We met with a Perinatologist, fancy name for a high risk OB, last week. It was refreshing to have an open forum and ask all my questions as well as hear her side of my story and what she recommends. I have felt the need and desire to be taken seriously, something previous OB's were not necessarily doing for me. Although we didn't learn much new information, we did learn more about the clotting disorder that I was diagnosed with.
The fact that there is a medical explanation to some of the losses we have experienced is a relief, to say the least. I walked out of there feeling better. Mark and I were able to take some time and talk about our future and where we want to take all this information.

It wasn't until a few days later that I really had a revelation.

(That is where the "Breath of fresh air" comes into play.)
I read another book that someone dear had recommended to me.
Not sure if it was the book,
my appointment,
or of course the Mighty God that revealed Himself to me.

Did I really need a Doctor to tell me everything was going to be allright?
Did I really need a "fix" to my situation?
Did I need to come up with an unfailing plan for how to carry a baby?

What I have needed all this time, for the past 2 years I have been on this road of suffering, was right in front of me, each and every day... trust.
I did not know what that word meant, I mean truely KNOW what it meant to trust.

Before I explain myself, let me clarify what trust is NOT:
It is not trusting God will provide me with more children through pregnancy.
It is not beleiving surely He will not let this happen to us again.
It is not thinking positively.
It is not "one day I will be happy again".
It is not ceasing to allow suffering of other kinds to come into my life.

This is not trust.

It is what I allowed myself to believe for some time, but it is not the truth.

I looked up the word "trust" at the end of my concordance/dictionary in my bible.
It says this: to place one's confidence in; to hope; that which has been entusted.

Trust is an action we take, not a feeling we feel.
Trust takes a whole lot of faith, which can only come from God.

Did I really think I could trust God on my own strength, with my own power?
I was trusting medicine, or positivity, or my own thoughts, all things that will fail me over and over again.

I am so free. I write this with full assurance. I am finally trusting the God of the universe, the one who created all things with my life, my future, my family; and the best part is I have never felt so free in my life.

You see, my story has already been written...

and so has yours.

God already knows how many children I will have on earth,
and how many in heaven.
He knows every little joy and sorrow I will ever experience.
How can I freat my future when I know He will be right by my side through it all.
Through death, loss, tradegy.
Through life, birth, joy.
I have no idea what lies ahead of me or if I will carry another sweet baby in my womb.
But I have decided to trust Him with all the details, the little and the big ones.

I leave you with this,

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5-6

More for the journey...

As I walk this road God has laid out before me, I have prayed for Him to bring me other women who are suffering. Whether they are in the thick of it, like me, whether they have passed it many years ago, or whether it comes and goes like a roller coaster through life.
Some of these amazing women have newly entered my life,
some have been here for years,
and some I am yet to meet.

In fact, as I have been on the road to demolish the ugliness of self pity, I have recognized more and more of my dear family and friends who are currently suffering from all kinds of things.
It was only when I began to see beyond my selfishness that I could see life clearer and through a wider scope. It was as if God was softening my heart for others and weakening my pain in the process.

It has been so freeing, really. Not only am I not alone on this road, but God has brought many of these women to me. I hunger to reach and be reached by other hurting women. I am sensing this is were God is leading me in ministry.

It gives me a strength and a renewed spirit to watch and hear how God has restored many of these women. Although they may still be suffering, He is at work in so many peoples lives, and I get to watch it!

Though God has chose to restore my heart time after time, there are so many questions that still remain. I used to feel guilty asking Him these questions. I hear of so many stories, ones I cannot begin to imagine and I just have to ask Him "why God". I read a passage from James Dobson's book, "When God doesn't make sense", it says this:

"Clearly unless the Lord chooses to explain Himself to us, which He often does not,
His motivation and purposes are beyond the reach of mortal man...Many of our questions
-especially those that begin with the word 'why' - will have to remain unanswered for the
time being."

Now I know that does not answer our questions, but it is reassuring to know we are not alone in our questioning. It reminds me of a verse in the bible.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5

In the book, "Grieving the Child I never Knew", the author explains the "why" topic so beautifully. She says this,
"Most of us in the journey of grieving the child we never knew will find ourselves in the Sea of Why, pondering our loss. During times of questioning I reflect on Job's life and remember that God allows suffering and has purpose in our pain. I must choose to look beyond "the why" to "the Who" and view my loss through the lens of God rather than human sight."

So, if you are journeying the road of suffering along with me, or if you have your own set of "why's", welcome! I am right there with you.
I pray God will bring healing to your heart and bring you closer to Him in the process! God Bless!

Life is good

So, I feel the need and the desire to share the fun, joyful side of my life. I realize my recent blogs have been very heavy and may not give the best description of my daily life. I wanted to share some photos of my two favorite people in the world. Through all the pain and unknown, it amazes me how much joy has been brought to my life, especially through these two amazing people.

I think one of the best things that has come from this journey has been the way God has drawn Mark and I closer to one another, and in turn closer to Him. We have been abundantly blessed by our friends and family who have cared for Kaylee so we could spend time alone through all of this. It has been through these times that I feel our bond strengthening and our burden lifting.

The joy that Kaylee brings to our life is just indescribable. For those of you who know her, well lets just say when she opens her mouth, your in for a surprise. This girl says the funniest things, and they are usually very thought out and smart. I have started writing them down in a journal. There are daily quotes that just make us all laugh, so I don't want to forget any of them.

I had always dreamed that Kaylee would have younger siblings to play with by the time she was 3 1/2 years old. Instead of focusing on this dream, I have been so thankful to have so much special time to spend just the two of us. We have had so much fun this winter. I know I would not otherwise have this much time and energy to pour into this little life.

So these are the ways God is pulling me through and showing me the joy and blessings He had planned especially for my life.
We still do not know our future, but I can rest in the present and be sure His provisions are more than enough.

God Bless to all who have lifted us up in prayer!

A few Pictures of my Favorite people!

For You created my inmost being

"For You created my inmost being; you knit me together
in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be. " Psalm 139: 13-16


Yesterday, I discovered that my latest baby was a little girl.
My heart has grieved over this tiny life all over again.
I wonder, would she have big blue eyes and gorgeous curls like her big sister? What would she be like, look like, and sound like?
So many dreams I had for this little life the 8 short weeks I was privleged to carry her.

A dear friend of mine gave me a book called, "Grieving the child I never knew, " shortly after losing my first baby. At the time it was heartwrenching to read. One of the exercises encouraged
me to imagine what my baby would be like.
I was not ready back then.
I am now.

This passage in Psalms is so dear to my heart. I am certain that God had a plan for this tiny, but very significant life he placed in my womb.
He was right there when He knit her together in my womb,
when His eyes saw her unformed body,
all her days were written in His book...

You see, I know the end of my story,
I know where I will spend eternity,
I know of the place where "there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain."
And oh how I long for it!
I know that is where 4 of my babies will be waiting for their mother one day.
I just wish some days I could know the middle of my story, will there be more babies to hold here on this earth?

Oh, the questions arise...
And I feel His gentle voice saying, "my grace is sufficient for you."