Humility

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)

I have learned a bit about humility the last several weeks.
I have learned a lot about my role as a wife and mother consequently too.

I recently started a great bible study called, "Learning Through Loss." I am doing it by myself and it has been so good for me. It is specifically written for those who have lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death. The woman who wrote it also wrote the book, "Morning Will Come," which is a compilation of stories of women who have lost babies. I can relate to every single question she asks in this study. Amazing how that happens. She talks about jealousy, heartache, intense grief, doubt, questioning God, and believing lies. She also brings such soothing scripture to mind, most of which I have previously cited here on my blog.

My eyes have been opened as of late about where my heart was settling. I am ashamed to admit that it took quite an event to really open them. Why is it that pruning us is not an easy process?
Well, either way, I am so thankful for it. I have been neglecting so many "duties", so to speak, in my life. I had great excuses for each of them, of course. I guess I have been living like a porcelin doll, just waiting to be crushed. I have been so consumed with what I can and can't handle and what I should or shouldn't do in order to protect myself. How ironic that in doing so, I was more anxious and more unsatisfied. After the "revelation" came to me, I asked God and Mark for forgiveness and have since been on a new path. I realized how incredibly selfish and self absorbed I have been. One could argue that I had every right to feel sorry for myself because of what I have been through. Oh, how I believed that lie!

I feel as though God has taken such a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel free. More free than I have in such a long time. I am free to serve my husband the way God has designed me too. I am free to serve my precious little girl. I had believed that I was incapable of doing these things because of my grief, and the crazy part was I was OK with it.

I have so much more energy than I have had in such a long time. I have so much more love for my family. I am so content with the man God has blessed me with to walk this road. And so content with my one and only child He has graciously given us to parent.

There is no greater joy than knowing I am under God's "mighty hand." There is no place I'd rather be. He is showing me what my life is really about. Not about me. All about Him.
That is one reason I have sooo enjoyed serving my family in a whole new way. I am not doing so to hear how great of a job I am doing or to be appreciated. Of course that feels good too. But, I truly am enjoying it since I know it is what the Lord wants of me.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way: walk in it'." (Isaiah 30:21)