Surviving

Have you ever felt like you are just surviving? One day at a time, just surviving?

That is really what I feel like right now. This time around is so very different than the rest.
This time we were so prepared. We saw specialists, I was diagnosed with 3 disorders which
the doctors were confident could be the cause for my previous losses. I was carefully placed on
medication months before trying to conceive to be sure we had the bases covered. I changed my diet in order to take on a diabetic drug that some new research showed could help with my clotting disorder. I took on months of black and blue bruising that covered my stomach and thighs from blood thinner shots. But I didn't mind, I really had hope.

We were so hopeful this time.

I let myself plan for this child, dream about him, imagine Kaylee as a big sister. I bought maternity clothes this time, my tummy grew, and so did a few other places.
I wrote the dates on the calender of each week the baby would be bigger.

I planned out the nursery, so hopeful to fill it again.

I am so heartbroken...

I look around the house and I see food that I ate when I still carried my baby, or medicine bottles I no longer need to take. Just reminders all over the place of my life when I still held that precious life.

The shock has worn off, reality has hit me...

I breakdown for small reasons, just looking at something reminds me of what I am missing.

This time is different.

I am grieving this child right now, I am allowing the grief to surround me. I fought it so much in the past. I held a shield before, where now I am feeling the brunt of it, and it hurts, so bad...

At the same time, it feels right, it feels good to grieve. I feel like I finally have permission to break down, to let loose.

I do not feel suffocated, I do not feel hopeless. I truly feel the Lord covering me with love.
And to be real honest, I do not know what to say to Him when we talk. He knows this.
My faith has not changed. God has not changed. He has not broken any promises. He has not abandoned me. He never promised me more children through pregnancy. He never promised to heal my sweet children and give them life. But I have to ask why? Why not? Just this once, why not this once?

There are no answers.

This time is different.

I am not looking for answers this time. I am face down asking Him, where do you want me to go next? Please give me the strength to go there.


I want my friends and family to know I am receiving all your messages and emails and they are so comforting and wonderful. I will respond to you all when I get the chance. Please know you are not bothering me one bit, I welcome all of these. In fact, some women want to be left alone to grieve. I am pretty much the opposite. I really love to hear from you. Even though I have not responded, I welcome your words. And I can only imagine you don't know what to say, I wouldn't either. Please don't feel bad for this, just to know you love us and are thinking of us is so very comforting. And most of all, thank you for lifting us up to God. He hears all of our prayers, and does not take them lightly. To Him be the Glory.