Coping

I slept well for the first night in a long time. I have been used to many trips to the bathroom in the night, that has already decreased. I can now sleep on my belly, for it has already gone down. I was nearly 12 weeks along this time, the baby lived to 10 1/2 weeks, the longest one of our baby's has made it.

Amazing how quickly my body adjusts when the baby is gone. Such a sad reminder I no longer have him inside of me. (We do not know it was a boy, we will find out the sex in a week or so, I just have always had a feeling it was a boy).

This time felt different though. To both Mark and I. Not sure if it was the physical pregnancy itself, the fact I was on 8 medications to help, or that we wanted this baby so incredibly much?

Even though the doubt was always there, we truly thought we would get to take this child home.

The Doctors have been wonderful through the entire process, this is a first for us, and truly a blessing from the Father.

Yesterday we spent the entire day at the hospital. We arrived at 10 so I could get gel to dilate me naturally so they did not have to force my cervix open. So our dear friends came to hang out with us, chat, and play cards. As I started to get a little uncomfortable, it was time for me to be admitted. The D & C room was sadly full; the day before Thanksgiving.
So I got placed in my own private room, it was so nice. Never mind that fact that it was a birthing room with all the fixings to welcome a newborn. That really didn't bother me like it would have. Maybe because I was so thankful to have privacy or maybe it was the narcotics that made me just not care? Thanks to our wonderful small group, you know who you are!

The nurse was wonderful and cautiously asked what all we've been through when she discovered this was nothing new for us. The Anesthesiologist was amazing, not only because he supplied the drugs, but because he actually teared up when I was sharing what we have been through. He very cautiously asked if we had any live children at home. We both beamed out that we have a precious little miracle at home. He sighed immediately and said, "oh Praise God". We couldn't help but laughing and crying at the same time.

I really am coping remarkably well so far, aside from the fact it is Thanksgiving, and aside from the fact we found out the news on my 32nd birthday. The hardest part for me tends to be after all the initial shock has worn off and when life goes on for everyone else, because the truth is, it just doesn't for me. My life is never the same after each and every loss I have had.

The good but crazy part is, I know what to expect. I know the cycles of depression, anxiety, heartache, etc. It won't be a surprise. I am not sure if that makes it much easier or not?
What I am most convinced of, if nothing else, it is that God will graciously pull us through, just like He has done each and every time.

I fought His healing so many times, this time I surrender.
Even if I'm angry, mad, bitter, jealous, you name it, He will never turn His back on me.
And trust me, I have no plans to be any of these things, but lets face the truth here, I am human.
And if you think I am strong, you are misled. There is nothing about me that is stronger than any other person. It is simply He who lives in me that strengthens me.

It is true that you can have the Hope of Christ and yet be broken in pain. At one time I did not believe the two could co-exist. The catch is that the "hope" part outweighs all the ugliness of this world. I know that this world we live in is so not the end. What a pathetic life it would be for so many people if it were. I long for the Life where "there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain..." (Rev 21:4) But on the flip side, I am not ready to go there quite yet. I still feel there is much in this life God has planned for me, work yet to be done, and blessings yet to be unfolded.

Only He knows what my future holds, and only He holds my future.

Please know I have received all of your texts, emails, and voice mails. Mark and I are once again overwhelmed with the amount of people God has placed in our lives to walk this broken road with us. Thank you for all of the love, prayers, and words of encouragement! We are so blessed!