The Calm before the Storm

Well, I'd love to report that this week has continued to bring me peace as my last blog reported. But, as you can see from the title of this blog, not so.

I am beginning to see that God was preparing me for a very difficult week.

Oh how I long for that peace in my heart once again. I keep washing my mind with His truth, His words, His love...

This week has been full of disappointments. As I started to swirl down that not so fun road again, I sat there in the quiet room while Kaylee was napping and just thought why is this week so hard?
Then it dawned on me that Mark and I were supposed to welcome a child into this world this very week.

Amazing how I completely let that slip my mind.

The scar once again was ripped open, ouch.

I just prayed, begged, to be done with this; with due dates, with failed expectations, and all the junk that comes along with my losses. With anxiety, depression, all of it, I just want to be done.

Kaylee is very obsessed with Veggie Tales these days. I was watching one of her videos with her the other day and the lesson was on Perseverance. The same day, Mark and I were preparing for our junior high Sunday school class he was teaching, and the video was on Perseverance. It spoke of life as a journey, not the destination. That we are to keep running the race.

The bible is full of passages that speak of perseverance. "...because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." (James 1; 3-4) "As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy." (James 5: 11)

I plan to keep running this race with full assurance in His promises. Not because I am so strong, not because I am a good person, and not because I have done what it takes, those are just not the truth... simply because He who lives in me will bring me there.

Will I ever get over this you may be thinking? Absolutely not!

I will never get Over these losses. In fact, I was never meant to get Over them, each baby I carried in my womb was significant and placed there by God. I was not meant to get Over this, but with His power, I will get Through it, that I can be sure of...

When Jesus was preparing His disciples for their final days with Him on earth, He said this, "I have told you these things, so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16: 33)