Some Updates and a Breath of fresh air...

I had promised to update my blog on the whereabouts of where Mark and I are headed in our journey to growing our family. We met with a Perinatologist, fancy name for a high risk OB, last week. It was refreshing to have an open forum and ask all my questions as well as hear her side of my story and what she recommends. I have felt the need and desire to be taken seriously, something previous OB's were not necessarily doing for me. Although we didn't learn much new information, we did learn more about the clotting disorder that I was diagnosed with.
The fact that there is a medical explanation to some of the losses we have experienced is a relief, to say the least. I walked out of there feeling better. Mark and I were able to take some time and talk about our future and where we want to take all this information.

It wasn't until a few days later that I really had a revelation.

(That is where the "Breath of fresh air" comes into play.)
I read another book that someone dear had recommended to me.
Not sure if it was the book,
my appointment,
or of course the Mighty God that revealed Himself to me.

Did I really need a Doctor to tell me everything was going to be allright?
Did I really need a "fix" to my situation?
Did I need to come up with an unfailing plan for how to carry a baby?

What I have needed all this time, for the past 2 years I have been on this road of suffering, was right in front of me, each and every day... trust.
I did not know what that word meant, I mean truely KNOW what it meant to trust.

Before I explain myself, let me clarify what trust is NOT:
It is not trusting God will provide me with more children through pregnancy.
It is not beleiving surely He will not let this happen to us again.
It is not thinking positively.
It is not "one day I will be happy again".
It is not ceasing to allow suffering of other kinds to come into my life.

This is not trust.

It is what I allowed myself to believe for some time, but it is not the truth.

I looked up the word "trust" at the end of my concordance/dictionary in my bible.
It says this: to place one's confidence in; to hope; that which has been entusted.

Trust is an action we take, not a feeling we feel.
Trust takes a whole lot of faith, which can only come from God.

Did I really think I could trust God on my own strength, with my own power?
I was trusting medicine, or positivity, or my own thoughts, all things that will fail me over and over again.

I am so free. I write this with full assurance. I am finally trusting the God of the universe, the one who created all things with my life, my future, my family; and the best part is I have never felt so free in my life.

You see, my story has already been written...

and so has yours.

God already knows how many children I will have on earth,
and how many in heaven.
He knows every little joy and sorrow I will ever experience.
How can I freat my future when I know He will be right by my side through it all.
Through death, loss, tradegy.
Through life, birth, joy.
I have no idea what lies ahead of me or if I will carry another sweet baby in my womb.
But I have decided to trust Him with all the details, the little and the big ones.

I leave you with this,

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5-6