My sweetness!

She loves her umbrella!
Kay trying to find the monkey's on the map since we couldn't!
Family time at Ault Park!

Time away

I finally am feeling settled back to life. The last month came and went so incredibly fast. Hawaii was so wonderful. It was so refreshing to having nothing on our agenda and to just relax. I can't remember a time when we got to simply relax for 9 straight days. The other 2 days were traveling days, which were great too, considering I had no responsibilities other than remembering my carry- ons! I was able to read a book from front to cover! And of course the time spent with Mark was unforgettable. Just taking time to stop and watch the sun set at night reminded me of how fast life goes by in our busy world. I never watch the sunset in Cincinnati. That may be due to the fact I don't have a breath taking view of an ocean outside my house...either way, life is so short.

Mark and I got a few chances to take walks and just look around at God's amazing creation. It seriously stunned us how much beauty God has created for us to enjoy. We got to see dolphins, sea turtles, octapus, eels, all sorts of colorful fish, and (my favorite) a whale! One of the most amazing things we did while there was take a plane ride over the entire Big Island of Hawaii. Words or pictures could not describe the breath taking beauty we saw from the sky. The lush green rain forests with waterfalls on the "wet" side of the island and the active lava flowing volcano on the "dry side." It looked as if we were flying over the moon when we passed the lava on the volcano. I got choked up as we glided past the lava oozing . Just to see what man could never create blew me away. We even got to see the red hot lava. We saw a pretty amazing crater oozing smoke as well.

I am so thankful God has blessed us with the opportunity to see parts of the world. The best part is seeing it with Mark. Our time together was so great. We both missed Kay tons and were quite ready to come home to her. Both of our parents watched her while we were gone. It was so wonderful to not have to worry about her the entire time.

Once we got home and unpacked, I came down with a nasty flu bug. I was pretty much bedridden for a few days. I ended up on my 4th antibiotic in 4 months and am praying the last one. It was so hard to go from paradise in Hawaii to feeling so sick. I am on my feet again and it feels so good. I have been trying not to worry about house stuff and just have fun with my little girl.

That is all for now...I will post some more pics of sunsets and volcano's soon!

Hawaii

Right now

It has been some time since I have regularly updated my blog. Time passes so quickly and I am reminding myself to cherish the "right now." Just watching my baby girl grow and learn reminds me how fast they grow up. I have compiled a journal just for her one day to read. It is filled with all the funny things she has said, all the fun things we have done, as well as my thoughts on how much fun raising her has been. It is something I pray she will treasure one day.

I am also in the midst of cherishing my time with Mark. He has had many health issues over the last several years. I feel we are at some sort of specialist each month. I am reminded to enjoy our life "right now" and not look ahead so much. It is so easy to look ahead and want. But when I truly sit down with the Lord and spend time thanking Him, I am brought to my knees by His goodness. He has blessed me in ways I never imagined. We are just days away from a trip to Hawaii that Mark in his hard work earned for us. Which reminds me how thankful I am for a job that blesses us so richly. I am thankful for both of our wonderful parents who have willingly agreed to care for Kaylee so we can get away.

I am thankful for how God has revealed Himself to us as of late. I have watched as He has opened many doors in our lives to be His voice and share what He is about with other people. He has used Mark in such amazing ways lately that it truly has left us in awe. I am so enjoying where God has placed us "right now."

It's hard to believe it has only been 4 months since I lost our latest baby. The grieving process this time was so much different. There was no time of numbness. I am certain I am not through this process yet, but this time I am not suffocating in the pain like I was in the past. For the first time in a long time, I am content with our small family God has given us. It has been so peaceful to rest in that.

Our counseling continues to be so encouraging. We both so enjoy it, as crazy as that sounds. It is really helping us make boundries and not second guessing our decisions. Having a sounding board to bounce our thoughts onto has been so helpful.

I am learning what it means to enjoy the "right now" and it is good. I am confident God will have much more to teach me throughout my journey, but for now I am enjoying where He has placed me and who He has placed me with...
I will post a few pictures from our time away when we return, God Bless.

Free

It has been quite some time since my last blog. A lot is going on in our lives. I am finding computer time to be less and less these days. Our church (along with 84 other churches in Cincinnati) started a series called "Free". It has been great. We all have these workbooks that were so carefully thought out and well written. Mark and I both have been realizing so much about our lives and where we have been settling. It's so easy to think the little habits or idiosincracies in our life are just "who we are" and never going to change. It has been so freeing to know these things can certainly be changed with God's power through His spirit.

It has been revealed to me areas in my life where I am in bondage. God never intended for us to live in bondage to anything, but rather to be free. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom". I am finding when I heed what my conscious is telling me (which is really God's Spirit), like "rest" or "keep a quiet tongue", that I am always thankful I listened. But how often do I try to figure things out on my own, with my own strength, my own power, only to completely exhaust.

Mark and I recently started grief counseling from a Christian counseling group in town.
We both have so enjoyed it. We kinda look forward to it all day, like a date night , crazy, I know.
At the 1st session we told of our last 3 years and after speaking it all out loud realized how much we have truly gone through. At the end of our story the Counselor threw up his hands and said, "really, that's it? " We both laughed out loud having no idea where he was headed. He then started sharing how he would expect a lot more than some anxiety on both of our parts and some depression here and there. He asked how our marriage has been able to survive this and how we have been able to function up until this point? We really had no answers. Honestly, we have not "done" the right things through out our suffering and grief. Both of us felt we have distanced ourselves from God at times, both felt we have treated each other harshly at times, both have admitted to selfishness, both have tried more times than not to use our own strength. And both of us have been so incredibly exhausted.

As we reflect more on his question, the only solid explanation is being carried by God all this time. I think it's no coincidence this "Free" series has come at this time in our lives. I feel a nudge from God that He is ready for us to make the next move to our freedom. He has provided in more ways than I have time to explain, in every aspect of our lives. He has given us more Grace than we ever could have earned. He has loved us more than we are capable of loving. We are finally ready to be free...

here's a quote form our workbook that says it so well: "Remember: getting free isn't about jumping through the right hoops or correcting your thinking. Freedom comes from a changed heart and a fundamental belief that God is good and intends good things for you, even when circumstances don't seem to line up with that belief...True freedom is about receiving what was always yours to claim."

Humility

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)

I have learned a bit about humility the last several weeks.
I have learned a lot about my role as a wife and mother consequently too.

I recently started a great bible study called, "Learning Through Loss." I am doing it by myself and it has been so good for me. It is specifically written for those who have lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death. The woman who wrote it also wrote the book, "Morning Will Come," which is a compilation of stories of women who have lost babies. I can relate to every single question she asks in this study. Amazing how that happens. She talks about jealousy, heartache, intense grief, doubt, questioning God, and believing lies. She also brings such soothing scripture to mind, most of which I have previously cited here on my blog.

My eyes have been opened as of late about where my heart was settling. I am ashamed to admit that it took quite an event to really open them. Why is it that pruning us is not an easy process?
Well, either way, I am so thankful for it. I have been neglecting so many "duties", so to speak, in my life. I had great excuses for each of them, of course. I guess I have been living like a porcelin doll, just waiting to be crushed. I have been so consumed with what I can and can't handle and what I should or shouldn't do in order to protect myself. How ironic that in doing so, I was more anxious and more unsatisfied. After the "revelation" came to me, I asked God and Mark for forgiveness and have since been on a new path. I realized how incredibly selfish and self absorbed I have been. One could argue that I had every right to feel sorry for myself because of what I have been through. Oh, how I believed that lie!

I feel as though God has taken such a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel free. More free than I have in such a long time. I am free to serve my husband the way God has designed me too. I am free to serve my precious little girl. I had believed that I was incapable of doing these things because of my grief, and the crazy part was I was OK with it.

I have so much more energy than I have had in such a long time. I have so much more love for my family. I am so content with the man God has blessed me with to walk this road. And so content with my one and only child He has graciously given us to parent.

There is no greater joy than knowing I am under God's "mighty hand." There is no place I'd rather be. He is showing me what my life is really about. Not about me. All about Him.
That is one reason I have sooo enjoyed serving my family in a whole new way. I am not doing so to hear how great of a job I am doing or to be appreciated. Of course that feels good too. But, I truly am enjoying it since I know it is what the Lord wants of me.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way: walk in it'." (Isaiah 30:21)

Amazing

This past weekend was one of the most amazing times I have had with Mark.
He bought me tickets to a concert in Ann Arbor as a Christmas gift. We have recently
got into a few new bands and were both excited to check them out at a Folk Festival.
The week leading up to our little getaway will go down as one of our most trying ones
ever. There were moments last week when we did not know how God would pull us through.
We had hope, but we just didn't know what it would look like.
So, we were both very excited to get away and just be together. Every little thing we did was so much fun. Even the car ride together and being able to hold on a conversation without being interrupted by a very talkative little girl was so great. We used to hate car rides, until we had a renewed perspective on being alone.
One of the great things that came out of last weekend was realizing how truly amazing my husband is. I mean, I would have said that before, but I am so much more aware of it than ever. I have been down so many roads the last few years and have learned so much, but I really took Mark for granted during all of it. I am just so thankful for my eyes to be opened to what blessings God has showered my life with. Amazing how your perspective can change so suddenly, and so often.
I have so much to be thankful for, so much God has given me, so much in the 2 amazing people
God has placed in my home to love and serve.