Free

It has been quite some time since my last blog. A lot is going on in our lives. I am finding computer time to be less and less these days. Our church (along with 84 other churches in Cincinnati) started a series called "Free". It has been great. We all have these workbooks that were so carefully thought out and well written. Mark and I both have been realizing so much about our lives and where we have been settling. It's so easy to think the little habits or idiosincracies in our life are just "who we are" and never going to change. It has been so freeing to know these things can certainly be changed with God's power through His spirit.

It has been revealed to me areas in my life where I am in bondage. God never intended for us to live in bondage to anything, but rather to be free. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom". I am finding when I heed what my conscious is telling me (which is really God's Spirit), like "rest" or "keep a quiet tongue", that I am always thankful I listened. But how often do I try to figure things out on my own, with my own strength, my own power, only to completely exhaust.

Mark and I recently started grief counseling from a Christian counseling group in town.
We both have so enjoyed it. We kinda look forward to it all day, like a date night , crazy, I know.
At the 1st session we told of our last 3 years and after speaking it all out loud realized how much we have truly gone through. At the end of our story the Counselor threw up his hands and said, "really, that's it? " We both laughed out loud having no idea where he was headed. He then started sharing how he would expect a lot more than some anxiety on both of our parts and some depression here and there. He asked how our marriage has been able to survive this and how we have been able to function up until this point? We really had no answers. Honestly, we have not "done" the right things through out our suffering and grief. Both of us felt we have distanced ourselves from God at times, both felt we have treated each other harshly at times, both have admitted to selfishness, both have tried more times than not to use our own strength. And both of us have been so incredibly exhausted.

As we reflect more on his question, the only solid explanation is being carried by God all this time. I think it's no coincidence this "Free" series has come at this time in our lives. I feel a nudge from God that He is ready for us to make the next move to our freedom. He has provided in more ways than I have time to explain, in every aspect of our lives. He has given us more Grace than we ever could have earned. He has loved us more than we are capable of loving. We are finally ready to be free...

here's a quote form our workbook that says it so well: "Remember: getting free isn't about jumping through the right hoops or correcting your thinking. Freedom comes from a changed heart and a fundamental belief that God is good and intends good things for you, even when circumstances don't seem to line up with that belief...True freedom is about receiving what was always yours to claim."

Humility

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)

I have learned a bit about humility the last several weeks.
I have learned a lot about my role as a wife and mother consequently too.

I recently started a great bible study called, "Learning Through Loss." I am doing it by myself and it has been so good for me. It is specifically written for those who have lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death. The woman who wrote it also wrote the book, "Morning Will Come," which is a compilation of stories of women who have lost babies. I can relate to every single question she asks in this study. Amazing how that happens. She talks about jealousy, heartache, intense grief, doubt, questioning God, and believing lies. She also brings such soothing scripture to mind, most of which I have previously cited here on my blog.

My eyes have been opened as of late about where my heart was settling. I am ashamed to admit that it took quite an event to really open them. Why is it that pruning us is not an easy process?
Well, either way, I am so thankful for it. I have been neglecting so many "duties", so to speak, in my life. I had great excuses for each of them, of course. I guess I have been living like a porcelin doll, just waiting to be crushed. I have been so consumed with what I can and can't handle and what I should or shouldn't do in order to protect myself. How ironic that in doing so, I was more anxious and more unsatisfied. After the "revelation" came to me, I asked God and Mark for forgiveness and have since been on a new path. I realized how incredibly selfish and self absorbed I have been. One could argue that I had every right to feel sorry for myself because of what I have been through. Oh, how I believed that lie!

I feel as though God has taken such a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel free. More free than I have in such a long time. I am free to serve my husband the way God has designed me too. I am free to serve my precious little girl. I had believed that I was incapable of doing these things because of my grief, and the crazy part was I was OK with it.

I have so much more energy than I have had in such a long time. I have so much more love for my family. I am so content with the man God has blessed me with to walk this road. And so content with my one and only child He has graciously given us to parent.

There is no greater joy than knowing I am under God's "mighty hand." There is no place I'd rather be. He is showing me what my life is really about. Not about me. All about Him.
That is one reason I have sooo enjoyed serving my family in a whole new way. I am not doing so to hear how great of a job I am doing or to be appreciated. Of course that feels good too. But, I truly am enjoying it since I know it is what the Lord wants of me.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way: walk in it'." (Isaiah 30:21)

Amazing

This past weekend was one of the most amazing times I have had with Mark.
He bought me tickets to a concert in Ann Arbor as a Christmas gift. We have recently
got into a few new bands and were both excited to check them out at a Folk Festival.
The week leading up to our little getaway will go down as one of our most trying ones
ever. There were moments last week when we did not know how God would pull us through.
We had hope, but we just didn't know what it would look like.
So, we were both very excited to get away and just be together. Every little thing we did was so much fun. Even the car ride together and being able to hold on a conversation without being interrupted by a very talkative little girl was so great. We used to hate car rides, until we had a renewed perspective on being alone.
One of the great things that came out of last weekend was realizing how truly amazing my husband is. I mean, I would have said that before, but I am so much more aware of it than ever. I have been down so many roads the last few years and have learned so much, but I really took Mark for granted during all of it. I am just so thankful for my eyes to be opened to what blessings God has showered my life with. Amazing how your perspective can change so suddenly, and so often.
I have so much to be thankful for, so much God has given me, so much in the 2 amazing people
God has placed in my home to love and serve.

My little Princess

Here is what we have been up to. Almost daily we get the dresses down, pull out the jewelry, high heals, tiara's, and wands. Lately she's been insisting on dancing to "Taylor Swift" all dressed up. It's pretty funny. She knows all the words to "Love Story".
Ever since this princess obsession, Kaylee has been aware of weddings and love.

We were at a store one day after Christmas. Mark was looking for a winter coat. An employee came over and asked if we needed any help. He noticed she had a Cinderella video game and asked her if she liked the princesses. She just stared up at him without answering. I continued helping Mark look around and I noticed she was not beside me. I started calling her name and then saw her following the man around. Embarrassed, I pretended she was just wandering, grabbed her arm, and guided her back. She told me she liked the man, I hushed her and just kept walking. Then Mark came over and that's when the real drama started. She said. " Daddy I love that man." Mark tried to be cool and bent down with her trying to change the subject. She proceeded to scream, "but daddy I love him, I'm in love with him. I want to marry him."
We both freaked at this point, grabbed her, and ran out of the store. As we were leaving I could see the employees laughing.

Perspective

Over the last 2 1/2 years, my perspective on life has totally changed. It is true that after our first miscarriage, our world was rocked to the core. Not only from the pain of losing a child, but mostly from losing what control I "thought" I had over my life situations. We had plans, dreams, a future to live up to. I still lived in the world where I believed that life here on this earth was for the most part all about my happiness. Even after becoming a Christ follower, I still lived in a fantasy world.

I doubt I am alone in these perceptions on life. The bible clearly states the truth, yet we seem to think it isn't talking about us. "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) Lets not forget the first part of that verse..."I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace." Jesus was preparing the disciples for His death, and more importantly His resurrection. He was giving them the most important bit of truth they will ever know, He is the only way for us to experience true peace in this world.

I don't know about you, but I certainly have seen the "trouble" in this world. Both first hand and in so many loved ones lives. My heart is aching right now for several families who are hurting so deeply. If I look really close, it's all around me. My perspective has changed. I view this life from such a different angle now. And because of my renewed perspective on life, I can enjoy it oh so much more. Amazing how that happens. Although I am still currently grieving, I am also filled with such joy.

The last several weeks have been hard. I will see something, hear something and just break down. It usually takes a day or so to recover. I end up talking it out with Mark and coming to another conclusion of where to go next. We are slowly but surely trying to figure out this grieving piece. And God has been so patient with us, something I'll never understand. (I can't imagine being this patient with Kaylee.)

One of the most rewarding parts of the healing process is the people God brings into your life to comfort you and have you comfort. It's such a beautiful picture of the circle of life.
2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 says this, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

These pics were all from this past weekend. The first was at dinner
downtown where we watched ice skating.
This is from the horse and carriage ride we took, Kaylee got mad
when the horse pooped! She told the lady it was rude of the horse!

This is from the Zoo lights!
And this is a family tradition we have, to see the Polar Express 4D,
this is 3rd year in a row we've gone. Kay loves it!

Enjoying Christmas time

Kaylee is at such a fun age this year for Christmas. We have had a lot fun reading Christmas books, watching Christmas movies, and doing Christmasy stuff. It has been fun to see the artwork Kaylee has constructed at preschool and home when we have our "craft time". She has such an incredible imagination. I few weeks ago, I asked her to help me put the ornaments on the tree. This is the first year I felt she would not try to play with the tree. She kept disappearing from the family room while I was getting everything out. As I walked in her room to check on her, I saw what she had been doing. She crafted her very own Christmas tree complete with stolen ornaments and all.
I just had to post this picture and a few others from our memorable 5th Christmas with our little miracle!