My little Princess

Here is what we have been up to. Almost daily we get the dresses down, pull out the jewelry, high heals, tiara's, and wands. Lately she's been insisting on dancing to "Taylor Swift" all dressed up. It's pretty funny. She knows all the words to "Love Story".
Ever since this princess obsession, Kaylee has been aware of weddings and love.

We were at a store one day after Christmas. Mark was looking for a winter coat. An employee came over and asked if we needed any help. He noticed she had a Cinderella video game and asked her if she liked the princesses. She just stared up at him without answering. I continued helping Mark look around and I noticed she was not beside me. I started calling her name and then saw her following the man around. Embarrassed, I pretended she was just wandering, grabbed her arm, and guided her back. She told me she liked the man, I hushed her and just kept walking. Then Mark came over and that's when the real drama started. She said. " Daddy I love that man." Mark tried to be cool and bent down with her trying to change the subject. She proceeded to scream, "but daddy I love him, I'm in love with him. I want to marry him."
We both freaked at this point, grabbed her, and ran out of the store. As we were leaving I could see the employees laughing.

Perspective

Over the last 2 1/2 years, my perspective on life has totally changed. It is true that after our first miscarriage, our world was rocked to the core. Not only from the pain of losing a child, but mostly from losing what control I "thought" I had over my life situations. We had plans, dreams, a future to live up to. I still lived in the world where I believed that life here on this earth was for the most part all about my happiness. Even after becoming a Christ follower, I still lived in a fantasy world.

I doubt I am alone in these perceptions on life. The bible clearly states the truth, yet we seem to think it isn't talking about us. "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) Lets not forget the first part of that verse..."I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace." Jesus was preparing the disciples for His death, and more importantly His resurrection. He was giving them the most important bit of truth they will ever know, He is the only way for us to experience true peace in this world.

I don't know about you, but I certainly have seen the "trouble" in this world. Both first hand and in so many loved ones lives. My heart is aching right now for several families who are hurting so deeply. If I look really close, it's all around me. My perspective has changed. I view this life from such a different angle now. And because of my renewed perspective on life, I can enjoy it oh so much more. Amazing how that happens. Although I am still currently grieving, I am also filled with such joy.

The last several weeks have been hard. I will see something, hear something and just break down. It usually takes a day or so to recover. I end up talking it out with Mark and coming to another conclusion of where to go next. We are slowly but surely trying to figure out this grieving piece. And God has been so patient with us, something I'll never understand. (I can't imagine being this patient with Kaylee.)

One of the most rewarding parts of the healing process is the people God brings into your life to comfort you and have you comfort. It's such a beautiful picture of the circle of life.
2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 says this, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

These pics were all from this past weekend. The first was at dinner
downtown where we watched ice skating.
This is from the horse and carriage ride we took, Kaylee got mad
when the horse pooped! She told the lady it was rude of the horse!

This is from the Zoo lights!
And this is a family tradition we have, to see the Polar Express 4D,
this is 3rd year in a row we've gone. Kay loves it!

Enjoying Christmas time

Kaylee is at such a fun age this year for Christmas. We have had a lot fun reading Christmas books, watching Christmas movies, and doing Christmasy stuff. It has been fun to see the artwork Kaylee has constructed at preschool and home when we have our "craft time". She has such an incredible imagination. I few weeks ago, I asked her to help me put the ornaments on the tree. This is the first year I felt she would not try to play with the tree. She kept disappearing from the family room while I was getting everything out. As I walked in her room to check on her, I saw what she had been doing. She crafted her very own Christmas tree complete with stolen ornaments and all.
I just had to post this picture and a few others from our memorable 5th Christmas with our little miracle!

Another precious girl

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
before you were born I set you apart"
Jeremiah 1:5

Just days ago we discovered our latest little baby was another precious girl.
In the same conversation, we also were told she had Downs Syndrome.

I can not even explain what it was like to hear this all. Mark and I had to "debrief"
after we left the Dr.'s office and just let it all sink in.

As I reflected on all the information, I remembered how I had pleaded with God this pregnancy
to have mercy on us. I was so disappointed when we sat in front of the screen looking up at our baby with no heart beating. I thought, "where was your mercy Lord?"

Then I remembered the visit for an ultrasound that day was specifically to look for our chances of carrying a Downs Syndrome baby by measuring the fold of the baby's neck. How ironic that we would have certainly found out that day we were carrying a very sick little baby. We would have carried her until the Lord took her home, but how much pain did He truly spare us?

I felt His mercy.

Then I remembered the sermon spoken the very day I got up in front of our church and spoke my testimony. He spoke of how God lessens our pain, we just may not know it at the time.

Indeed our pain was lessened.

Mark and I both agreed that day we would never look at a Downs Syndrome child or adult the same way again. In my 6 years working as a nurse, I took care of so many sweet Downs babies.
My friends at work all knew how much I loved having them as patients. I always have had a place in my heart for those children. And now I have one that will never leave my heart...


Again I imagine what she would have been like, looked like, and how she would have loved her big sister.

After the shock in the office the Dr. continued to talk to us about her thoughts. We were all convinced I had yet another disorder in which my body was somehow rejecting our babies. She ruled that out after getting the results. She was actually quite relieved to get the results back, claiming once again how this genetic anomoly like the last one was just a "fluke".
How is it that someone who already lost 3 babies has 2 genetic "flukes" after that?
Something I will never understand this side of eternity.

I have been called to walk this road once again. A road I never would willingly walk even once. There are days I feel I am being carried and days I feel a strength I can not explain walking beside me. I have no idea where I would be in this journey as an unbeliever. I know this happens to believers and unbelievers alike.

And once again I feel God's mercy.

He supplied me with His word, His presence, His body of believers, and His strength.

Honestly, what more can I ask of Him?

I can relate...

Psalm 88 (select verses)

"O Lord, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
For my soul is full of trouble...
my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O Lord, every day;
I spread out my hands to you."

I can relate

Psalm 89 (select verses)

"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever;
with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known
through all generations.
I will declare that your love stands firm forever,
that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself...
Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you,
who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord...
For you are their glory and strength..."

I can relate


Sometimes getting through the day is a real struggle, but each day without fail, I do. Right now sleep is something I dream of, something I thought I desperately needed, but I still function.
Keeping up my job as full-time mommy is all encompassing, and well, has no breaks, even in the wee hours of the night. How is it that I am still able to laugh and sing and dance and goof off with my precious little girl yet still be in such pain all in the same day? These 2 chapters in Psalms are so very different, yet they are put right next to each other for a reason...

I know that no matter my circumstances that God would pull me through anything. I think so many times how I could very well have no children, versus one precious child. And I am thankful beyond belief that I get to share in the life of such a miracle. Kaylee brings so much light to us. So much joy, so much fun.

We leave tonight for a 4 day trip with our very close friends to Chicago. We are both bringing our curly headed girls. We are so excited to see all the Christmas decorations and the hustle and bustle of the downtown city life. We are all in desperate need of a getaway... we are all suffering loss.

Right now am thankful that grief and joy can co-exist.

I plan to return phone calls, emails, texts, and letters all when we return. They mean so much to us. Thank you for being patient and loving us.

Surviving

Have you ever felt like you are just surviving? One day at a time, just surviving?

That is really what I feel like right now. This time around is so very different than the rest.
This time we were so prepared. We saw specialists, I was diagnosed with 3 disorders which
the doctors were confident could be the cause for my previous losses. I was carefully placed on
medication months before trying to conceive to be sure we had the bases covered. I changed my diet in order to take on a diabetic drug that some new research showed could help with my clotting disorder. I took on months of black and blue bruising that covered my stomach and thighs from blood thinner shots. But I didn't mind, I really had hope.

We were so hopeful this time.

I let myself plan for this child, dream about him, imagine Kaylee as a big sister. I bought maternity clothes this time, my tummy grew, and so did a few other places.
I wrote the dates on the calender of each week the baby would be bigger.

I planned out the nursery, so hopeful to fill it again.

I am so heartbroken...

I look around the house and I see food that I ate when I still carried my baby, or medicine bottles I no longer need to take. Just reminders all over the place of my life when I still held that precious life.

The shock has worn off, reality has hit me...

I breakdown for small reasons, just looking at something reminds me of what I am missing.

This time is different.

I am grieving this child right now, I am allowing the grief to surround me. I fought it so much in the past. I held a shield before, where now I am feeling the brunt of it, and it hurts, so bad...

At the same time, it feels right, it feels good to grieve. I feel like I finally have permission to break down, to let loose.

I do not feel suffocated, I do not feel hopeless. I truly feel the Lord covering me with love.
And to be real honest, I do not know what to say to Him when we talk. He knows this.
My faith has not changed. God has not changed. He has not broken any promises. He has not abandoned me. He never promised me more children through pregnancy. He never promised to heal my sweet children and give them life. But I have to ask why? Why not? Just this once, why not this once?

There are no answers.

This time is different.

I am not looking for answers this time. I am face down asking Him, where do you want me to go next? Please give me the strength to go there.


I want my friends and family to know I am receiving all your messages and emails and they are so comforting and wonderful. I will respond to you all when I get the chance. Please know you are not bothering me one bit, I welcome all of these. In fact, some women want to be left alone to grieve. I am pretty much the opposite. I really love to hear from you. Even though I have not responded, I welcome your words. And I can only imagine you don't know what to say, I wouldn't either. Please don't feel bad for this, just to know you love us and are thinking of us is so very comforting. And most of all, thank you for lifting us up to God. He hears all of our prayers, and does not take them lightly. To Him be the Glory.