Another precious girl

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
before you were born I set you apart"
Jeremiah 1:5

Just days ago we discovered our latest little baby was another precious girl.
In the same conversation, we also were told she had Downs Syndrome.

I can not even explain what it was like to hear this all. Mark and I had to "debrief"
after we left the Dr.'s office and just let it all sink in.

As I reflected on all the information, I remembered how I had pleaded with God this pregnancy
to have mercy on us. I was so disappointed when we sat in front of the screen looking up at our baby with no heart beating. I thought, "where was your mercy Lord?"

Then I remembered the visit for an ultrasound that day was specifically to look for our chances of carrying a Downs Syndrome baby by measuring the fold of the baby's neck. How ironic that we would have certainly found out that day we were carrying a very sick little baby. We would have carried her until the Lord took her home, but how much pain did He truly spare us?

I felt His mercy.

Then I remembered the sermon spoken the very day I got up in front of our church and spoke my testimony. He spoke of how God lessens our pain, we just may not know it at the time.

Indeed our pain was lessened.

Mark and I both agreed that day we would never look at a Downs Syndrome child or adult the same way again. In my 6 years working as a nurse, I took care of so many sweet Downs babies.
My friends at work all knew how much I loved having them as patients. I always have had a place in my heart for those children. And now I have one that will never leave my heart...


Again I imagine what she would have been like, looked like, and how she would have loved her big sister.

After the shock in the office the Dr. continued to talk to us about her thoughts. We were all convinced I had yet another disorder in which my body was somehow rejecting our babies. She ruled that out after getting the results. She was actually quite relieved to get the results back, claiming once again how this genetic anomoly like the last one was just a "fluke".
How is it that someone who already lost 3 babies has 2 genetic "flukes" after that?
Something I will never understand this side of eternity.

I have been called to walk this road once again. A road I never would willingly walk even once. There are days I feel I am being carried and days I feel a strength I can not explain walking beside me. I have no idea where I would be in this journey as an unbeliever. I know this happens to believers and unbelievers alike.

And once again I feel God's mercy.

He supplied me with His word, His presence, His body of believers, and His strength.

Honestly, what more can I ask of Him?

I can relate...

Psalm 88 (select verses)

"O Lord, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
For my soul is full of trouble...
my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O Lord, every day;
I spread out my hands to you."

I can relate

Psalm 89 (select verses)

"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever;
with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known
through all generations.
I will declare that your love stands firm forever,
that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself...
Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you,
who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord...
For you are their glory and strength..."

I can relate


Sometimes getting through the day is a real struggle, but each day without fail, I do. Right now sleep is something I dream of, something I thought I desperately needed, but I still function.
Keeping up my job as full-time mommy is all encompassing, and well, has no breaks, even in the wee hours of the night. How is it that I am still able to laugh and sing and dance and goof off with my precious little girl yet still be in such pain all in the same day? These 2 chapters in Psalms are so very different, yet they are put right next to each other for a reason...

I know that no matter my circumstances that God would pull me through anything. I think so many times how I could very well have no children, versus one precious child. And I am thankful beyond belief that I get to share in the life of such a miracle. Kaylee brings so much light to us. So much joy, so much fun.

We leave tonight for a 4 day trip with our very close friends to Chicago. We are both bringing our curly headed girls. We are so excited to see all the Christmas decorations and the hustle and bustle of the downtown city life. We are all in desperate need of a getaway... we are all suffering loss.

Right now am thankful that grief and joy can co-exist.

I plan to return phone calls, emails, texts, and letters all when we return. They mean so much to us. Thank you for being patient and loving us.

Surviving

Have you ever felt like you are just surviving? One day at a time, just surviving?

That is really what I feel like right now. This time around is so very different than the rest.
This time we were so prepared. We saw specialists, I was diagnosed with 3 disorders which
the doctors were confident could be the cause for my previous losses. I was carefully placed on
medication months before trying to conceive to be sure we had the bases covered. I changed my diet in order to take on a diabetic drug that some new research showed could help with my clotting disorder. I took on months of black and blue bruising that covered my stomach and thighs from blood thinner shots. But I didn't mind, I really had hope.

We were so hopeful this time.

I let myself plan for this child, dream about him, imagine Kaylee as a big sister. I bought maternity clothes this time, my tummy grew, and so did a few other places.
I wrote the dates on the calender of each week the baby would be bigger.

I planned out the nursery, so hopeful to fill it again.

I am so heartbroken...

I look around the house and I see food that I ate when I still carried my baby, or medicine bottles I no longer need to take. Just reminders all over the place of my life when I still held that precious life.

The shock has worn off, reality has hit me...

I breakdown for small reasons, just looking at something reminds me of what I am missing.

This time is different.

I am grieving this child right now, I am allowing the grief to surround me. I fought it so much in the past. I held a shield before, where now I am feeling the brunt of it, and it hurts, so bad...

At the same time, it feels right, it feels good to grieve. I feel like I finally have permission to break down, to let loose.

I do not feel suffocated, I do not feel hopeless. I truly feel the Lord covering me with love.
And to be real honest, I do not know what to say to Him when we talk. He knows this.
My faith has not changed. God has not changed. He has not broken any promises. He has not abandoned me. He never promised me more children through pregnancy. He never promised to heal my sweet children and give them life. But I have to ask why? Why not? Just this once, why not this once?

There are no answers.

This time is different.

I am not looking for answers this time. I am face down asking Him, where do you want me to go next? Please give me the strength to go there.


I want my friends and family to know I am receiving all your messages and emails and they are so comforting and wonderful. I will respond to you all when I get the chance. Please know you are not bothering me one bit, I welcome all of these. In fact, some women want to be left alone to grieve. I am pretty much the opposite. I really love to hear from you. Even though I have not responded, I welcome your words. And I can only imagine you don't know what to say, I wouldn't either. Please don't feel bad for this, just to know you love us and are thinking of us is so very comforting. And most of all, thank you for lifting us up to God. He hears all of our prayers, and does not take them lightly. To Him be the Glory.

Coping

I slept well for the first night in a long time. I have been used to many trips to the bathroom in the night, that has already decreased. I can now sleep on my belly, for it has already gone down. I was nearly 12 weeks along this time, the baby lived to 10 1/2 weeks, the longest one of our baby's has made it.

Amazing how quickly my body adjusts when the baby is gone. Such a sad reminder I no longer have him inside of me. (We do not know it was a boy, we will find out the sex in a week or so, I just have always had a feeling it was a boy).

This time felt different though. To both Mark and I. Not sure if it was the physical pregnancy itself, the fact I was on 8 medications to help, or that we wanted this baby so incredibly much?

Even though the doubt was always there, we truly thought we would get to take this child home.

The Doctors have been wonderful through the entire process, this is a first for us, and truly a blessing from the Father.

Yesterday we spent the entire day at the hospital. We arrived at 10 so I could get gel to dilate me naturally so they did not have to force my cervix open. So our dear friends came to hang out with us, chat, and play cards. As I started to get a little uncomfortable, it was time for me to be admitted. The D & C room was sadly full; the day before Thanksgiving.
So I got placed in my own private room, it was so nice. Never mind that fact that it was a birthing room with all the fixings to welcome a newborn. That really didn't bother me like it would have. Maybe because I was so thankful to have privacy or maybe it was the narcotics that made me just not care? Thanks to our wonderful small group, you know who you are!

The nurse was wonderful and cautiously asked what all we've been through when she discovered this was nothing new for us. The Anesthesiologist was amazing, not only because he supplied the drugs, but because he actually teared up when I was sharing what we have been through. He very cautiously asked if we had any live children at home. We both beamed out that we have a precious little miracle at home. He sighed immediately and said, "oh Praise God". We couldn't help but laughing and crying at the same time.

I really am coping remarkably well so far, aside from the fact it is Thanksgiving, and aside from the fact we found out the news on my 32nd birthday. The hardest part for me tends to be after all the initial shock has worn off and when life goes on for everyone else, because the truth is, it just doesn't for me. My life is never the same after each and every loss I have had.

The good but crazy part is, I know what to expect. I know the cycles of depression, anxiety, heartache, etc. It won't be a surprise. I am not sure if that makes it much easier or not?
What I am most convinced of, if nothing else, it is that God will graciously pull us through, just like He has done each and every time.

I fought His healing so many times, this time I surrender.
Even if I'm angry, mad, bitter, jealous, you name it, He will never turn His back on me.
And trust me, I have no plans to be any of these things, but lets face the truth here, I am human.
And if you think I am strong, you are misled. There is nothing about me that is stronger than any other person. It is simply He who lives in me that strengthens me.

It is true that you can have the Hope of Christ and yet be broken in pain. At one time I did not believe the two could co-exist. The catch is that the "hope" part outweighs all the ugliness of this world. I know that this world we live in is so not the end. What a pathetic life it would be for so many people if it were. I long for the Life where "there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain..." (Rev 21:4) But on the flip side, I am not ready to go there quite yet. I still feel there is much in this life God has planned for me, work yet to be done, and blessings yet to be unfolded.

Only He knows what my future holds, and only He holds my future.

Please know I have received all of your texts, emails, and voice mails. Mark and I are once again overwhelmed with the amount of people God has placed in our lives to walk this broken road with us. Thank you for all of the love, prayers, and words of encouragement! We are so blessed!

I am sure of only this...

"Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you" Hebrews 13:5

He never promised us a pain free life. And what He has promised is enough- today, tomorrow, always...

I still feel like I am having a bad nightmare, like watching a really bad rerun.

I have no answers. I don't think I ever will.

There are simply no securities in this life apart from Christ. Not Mark, not Kaylee, not my
precious family.

This time we tried all the medications, all the tricks, yet I still could not hold this precious child or keep him safe.

From the moment I learned I was carrying my 6th precious child, I submitted him to the Lord.
This was never my child to keep, but what a privilege it was to carry this sweet child.

I am grieving the loss of yet another baby, a dream, a future...

I don't know how I will move on, all I know is He will never leave me...

Surgery is weds at 3:30. Thank you for lifting us up. God has blessed us immeasurably with the most wonderful friends and family. We feel so loved.

Encouraged

Yesterday Mark and I traveled to 2 of our church plant locations to finish giving my testimony. It is really emotionally draining to repeat my story over and over again. I really stepped out of my "normal" when I agreed to do this. God has brought so many wonderful people to encourage me over the last 2 weeks. I am so overwhelmed once again at how many people approached us and encouraged us in sharing our story. I knew God would lead me through this, but what I didn't expect was how many people in my life and those I have never met that would graciously thank me for sharing.

It was only one year ago when I was pregnant with our 5th baby. When my life was so very different, when my heart was not willing to change. Only one year ago when the healing and ultimate story of a changed life was to begin.
I thought I had arrived years ago when I gave my life to Christ. But what I didn't realize is that we never arrive, that is, until we are finished with our journey on this earth. This life is a constant learning experience.

I feel myself once again thankful for a God who delivers. I had no plans to share my story so publicly before this last week, and yet I felt I needed to trust God on this one. I am learning to trust a trust-worthy God.

As I sat down today to re-study my old "Breaking Free" study from Beth Moore, I stumbled upon some great wisdom about trust. Beth says, "A painful loss or a dreadful betrayal can deeply mark our level of trust. A broken heart never mended by the one true Healer handicaps us terribly when we're challenged to trust. Trusting an invisible God is not something that comes naturally to any believer. A trust relationship grows only one way: by stepping out in faith and making the choice to trust. This 'step' can sometimes seem more than we can take, but God is anxious to help us overcome our unbelief. The ability to believe God develops most often through pure experience."

As we continue to move forward, I am praying that I will choose trust each and every day. I have watched God pull me through what seemed impossible to my eyes. He has given me every reason to put my trust in Him alone. Grounding myself in His Word and His promises is all I can do.

Thanks once again for lifting us up and for all the words of encouragement! God is using you in my healing!

Many thanks

I just wanted to say thank you for all the prayers. I made it through 4 services this past weekend.
I have 2 next weekend. The last service on Sunday night was especially nerve racking considering 16 of our close family and friends were there to support us! And that doesn't include all of our dear Lifespring friends! You have no idea how truly loved we both felt. So many women and men approached us after the services sharing their stories of suffering and thanking us for being bold. It is true that being completely removed from your comfort zone is a growing experience!

Here is the link to listen to the sermon. Andy does a very good job addressing a very difficult topic, "How Could a Good God Allow Suffering?" The sermon, including my testimony, is about 35-40 minutes.
http://lifespringchristian.org/sermons.php