Interesting Opportunity

Well I could certainly use some prayers.

Mark and I have been asked to stand before our church congregation, 6 services total, and share our story. We were asked just last week. We slept on it, prayed about it, before responding yes.

I am not one to enjoy getting in front of people and speaking. In fact, I flat out refuse to teach Sunday school for junior high because I do not trust I can speak well in front of 20 junior high boys and girls.

Yet, I said yes to this?

For some reason, I really felt God tell me "you can do this!"
And I really want any silent sufferers to know they are not alone. I guess that is really why I am leaving my comfort zone and going for it.

Our church is in the middle of a series titled "Roadblocks." This weeks message, the one I will speak on, is called "How Could a Good God Allow Suffering?"

So, I have been praying all week, that God would give me the words to speak and the heart to share. I have little confidence in myself in this area. But through this journey God has led me on,
I have felt confident in Him and His truth, so I am holding fast to that!

Thank you for lifting us up!

A not so "funny" Funny story

Today, I can laugh about it!

My sister-in-law and I have been carpooling the kids to preschool and back. Yesterday was my turn. After I picked up Will from his class, I trotted down to Kaylee's class. Her sweet teacher asked me if I could stay after to talk. I knew she must have done something during class and so I was preparing myself. Just 2 days prior I got the report that she had a hard time listening on the playground. We talked about it after school that day and I gave her a "consequence" for disobeying the teacher. So, of course, my mind was wandering about what my little stinker could have been up to today.

Miss Mikki waited until the last child was picked up and scooted me to the other side of the hall to have a little chat. Will on one side, and Kay on the other. She told me of 4 instances over the last 2 1/2 hours that Kaylee blatantly disobeyed and used "physical means" to get other children out of her way. She said they're were lots of "tears" involved, inflicted by my child of course.
I started thinking of the ways I would talk to her and some punishments sure to fit the crime.

Miss Mikki reassured me they do see this behavior at the beginning of the school year for children who have never been to school or daycare. She was so sweet about it. She was upfront that we should continue to work on "no means no" at home with her.

She talked about Kaylee having a hard time sharing, that's where the "physical" part came in.
And then reassured me that she sees that with children who have no brothers and sisters at home...Well, the faucet started to leak....no it actually burst, and I mean really burst.
I could hardly control myself, it was bad! I am laughing as I type this because that poor teacher. She was a little shocked. I felt the need to explain where this was coming from, but I still didn't have a grip yet. For all I knew she was probably thinking, "wow did she think she had a little angel at home?" Which for those of you who know my "little angel", you know her only saving grace is her adorable little face. She is hardly an angel!

As I tried to pull it together, I leaked out that we have had a rough 2 1/2 years and that we have lost 4 babies. I told her it was not our desire for Kaylee to be an only child. She immediately hugged me, and now the principal was peering over us with apologetic eyes as well. Thank the Lord most of the moms and other children had already left the building. The tears were back full force since I mustered out my latest news...

Here I was totally out of control sobbing with 2 children at my side....or were they? I totally lost track of where they were and when I realized it, I told her I would be right back. Now, the principal, Miss Mikki, and I were searching for the children. The principal found them both in the boys room! I ran in to grab Kaylee out and of course, she started screaming and throwing an absolute tantrum. It took me all my strength to pull her out kicking and screaming, she was real strong when she wanted to be!

This is the part where I can totally laugh!

So I tried to finish up the conversation with Miss Mikki promising that Mark and I will work with Kaylee at home, while she had sorrowful eyes looking at me, bless her heart, all the while trying my hardest to hold onto 2 squirming little hands. I momentarily got a grip and walked the children out of the school into the rain. What a blessing the rain was! The sobbing started full force once again and this time was somewhat masked by the rain on my face.

Once I got in the car I quickly called Shona and explained my lovely encounter to her. What a blessing to have her to cry to, she knows only too well what days like these feel like.

I did eventually stop the leak. What a mess. I was so not prepared for all of that. I usually get to pick when I want to share my story with someone. It is usually on my terms...I do not do well under surprise conditions!

All in all, I can laugh about it. Not about the pain, of course, but about how my story is a real depiction of my life. How God infuses humor into my days even when they start out as leaks!
I am thankful God has prompted me to be exposed and no longer hide my grief for only me to see. I clearly don't have the means to control it either way you look at it, so why not share it!
I am sure we all have days like this, in some form or another. And I am thankful to have an open forum to share the funny hard days of my life!

A new Season

This week marks a special milestone in my life, my baby girl started preschool!
It has been so fun to gear her up for the big day, get her supplies, and talk to her all
about what school is like. She is so ready for this new season of life. She is so incredibly outgoing
and loves to meet new people. I am equally excited for this new journey. I love to see Kaylee learn and share the new exciting things in her world with us.

I snuck in a little early to pick her up the first day peeking in her door. I tried to be discreet, but, well, she totally saw me, started screaming mommy, and I felt like a looser mom! After class, her very sweet teacher gently reminded me of how the flow of parents comes and goes best. She explained that most parents have an older child down the hall or a baby in a pumpkin seat in their hands and that it is best to wait until the doors open to approach the class in order to move smoothly. Well, that kinda reminded me of something...it's no secret that the little mundane comments of life can hurt my wound on any given day. Ouch, I have neither of those.

Just a reminder of the pain that stings me ever so often.

I was catching up on my devotional from the day before and was just brought to tears when I read the paragraph. I will paraphrase what it said:
"The cross that my Lord calls me to carry may assume many different shapes...I may be required to continually cultivate the same field year after year, even though it yields no harvest whatsoever...I may be asked of God to nurture kind and loving thoughts about the very person who has wronged me...And I may be called to walk through this world with a bright, smiling face while my heart is breaking...Yes, there are many crosses, and every one of them is heavy and painful. And it is unlikely that I would seek out even one of them on my own. Yet Jesus is never as near to me as when I lift my cross, lay it submissively on my shoulder, and welcome it with a patient and uncomplaining spirit. He draws close to me in order to mature my wisdom, deepen my peace, increase my courage, and supplement my power. All this He does so that through the very experience that is so painful and distressing to me, I will be of greater use to others..."

This is my prayer,
as time passes,
and seasons change in my life,
that I would lift this cross willingly and shamelessly to Him...
and be of greater use to others through His power.

God's will

I know it has been some time since I have blogged. Mostly because I have not felt the urge from the Lord to share anything specific. I have been so thankful that life has been so enjoyable lately. I have seen so many blessings poured on my family this summer. We got to enjoy the beauty of Lake Michigan with Mark's extended family. Mark's hard work earned us an amazing trip to Europe just weeks ago. Mark and I get some R&R at a resort in Pennsylvania next week. My amazing parents have been so generously watching Kay so we can get away! I feel so spoiled, I really feel spoiled and just undeserving of it all. No worries, that has not gotten in the way of soaking it all up! But really life has been good!

As Mark and I prepare to venture down that road of "trying" again, I feel fear wanting to creep its ugly head at me. It has been so nice relaxing this summer and not even going there.

I have been reading a daily devotional called, "Streams in the Dessert." Today's devotion was just what I needed to hear.

It says: "Nothing that is not part of God's will is allowed to come into the life of someone who trusts and obeys Him. This truth should be enough to make our life one of ceaseless thanksgiving and joy, because God's will is the most hopeful, pleasant, and glorious thing in the world. It is the continuous working of His omnipotent power for our benefit , with nothing to prevent it, if we remain surrendered and believing... Someone who was passing through the deep water of affliction wrote a friend: 'Isn't it glorious to know that no matter how unjust something may be, even when it seems to have come from Satan himself, by the time it reaches us it is God's will for us and will ultimately work to our good?"

Of course this passage was followed by one of my favorite verses...
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Immediately I feel fear falling by the waist side. I have certainly been through the "deep water
of affliction." I may not have the same story as others who suffer, but we all have this in common; we are being formed into His likeness If we are surrendered to Him.
There is no other place I'd rather be than surrendered,
believe me, I have tried this on my own, many a times.
There is no greater place to be.
This is a daily thing, to be surrendered. It is a choice we make. A place we decide to go.
We do not know the result, or where He will take us, but we can be sure it is good.

So I am simply praying for God's will...

Some shots from our trip

Drained

We just got back from a 10 day trip on Sunday night. We had a blast. But for many reasons I could list, we are so drained. We spent many days on the beach in Lake Michigan splashing around, making sand castles, and of course taking lots of pictures. To end our little beach trip, we drove to Cleveland for 3 days for my cousin Julie's amazing wedding. Both trips were so meaningful and the time spent with family will be unforgettable. Kaylee had so much fun with all her cousins, the ones she knows well and the ones she is just meeting.

So why so drained? I certainly know where the saying "you need a vacation from your vacation" came from. I allowed myself to be occupied every second of the trip. Busyness was the game. Not that that is unusual for me normally, but this time I was missing something I so desperately need, time with the Lord.

As I fell into my usual home routine yesterday, I realized how much I missed out on this special time. One of the red flags was the way I started responding to my family, esp Mark and Kaylee, who usually get the brunt of my yucky side.
I became someone that I don't like very much, someone I have watched God tuck away over the last few years.

My anxiety swelled, my attitude shifted, my patience dropped. I became easily angered, quick to respond, and quiet for nothing. So disappointing.


I grabbed the book our MOPS group is reading called "Becoming a Women of Freedom", Which is awesome by the way. The chapter I opened was, "Laying Aside Busyness: Running with Rest." Heald says this in this chapter: "Most of us today run in the fast lane of life. We choose this lane for a "myriad" of reasons. We must examine the bulky weight of constant busyness, for we will have difficulty finishing our race at the speed with which some of us are running. If we're going to persevere, then we must learn to run with rest, the comfort and refreshment that the Lord so lovingly provides."

As I read on in the study I came to a verse that just brings me to a still place.
Psalm 23:1-3 "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul."
This verse is vastly known as one spoken at funerals... but so relevant to us still running the race.

The next chapter I dove into is "Laying Aside Anxiety: Running with Peace."
A quote on the first page really made sense to me.
"Areas of legitimate anxiety exist even for the strongest of believers. But the pressures of even legitimate concerns are not to dominate us or to make us habitually anxious, worried people. We escape by using anxiety creatively. This means that we must recognize the feeling of pressure and concern as a call to prayer.
We should immediately turn to God to lay our needs and the needs of others before him. We then turn back to live our lives encompassed by his peace. Anxiety, rather than drawing us away from God, draws us to him and thus fulfills his purpose for it in our lives."

This is so what I needed to hear. There is so much unknown in our future. We still have hope that God will bless us with more children. If I allow myself to think too much over the details, I get lost in a sea of questioning, and I rely on everything but Him.

I am so thankful for a God to quench my anxiety.
For He uses my weakness for ultimate good, to bring me back to my knees, to the only One I truly need.

While I'm Waiting...

While I'm Waiting, By John Waller

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Here is a Youtube video of this song I stumbled upon:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWI-iZsIKIk


Well, I heard this song the other day and when I got home I googled it and found this.
This past weekend marks our last due date. Our latest little one should have been born.
We know she was a little girl.
I have so many mixed emotions.
I watch Kaylee with babies all the time and just imagine what it would have been like for her to love on her little sister.

Oddly, I am so incredibly relieved, relieved I am done, at least for a time with the expectation of these sad reminders... I have empty arms for these little ones...

But what God has done to my life I could not have grasped, I could not have imagined, and because of that... I could not Love Him like I do today.

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
He rises to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for Him!" Isaiah 30: 18

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits.
and in His word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord...
put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with Him is full redemption." Psalm 130: 5-7