Some shots from our trip

Drained

We just got back from a 10 day trip on Sunday night. We had a blast. But for many reasons I could list, we are so drained. We spent many days on the beach in Lake Michigan splashing around, making sand castles, and of course taking lots of pictures. To end our little beach trip, we drove to Cleveland for 3 days for my cousin Julie's amazing wedding. Both trips were so meaningful and the time spent with family will be unforgettable. Kaylee had so much fun with all her cousins, the ones she knows well and the ones she is just meeting.

So why so drained? I certainly know where the saying "you need a vacation from your vacation" came from. I allowed myself to be occupied every second of the trip. Busyness was the game. Not that that is unusual for me normally, but this time I was missing something I so desperately need, time with the Lord.

As I fell into my usual home routine yesterday, I realized how much I missed out on this special time. One of the red flags was the way I started responding to my family, esp Mark and Kaylee, who usually get the brunt of my yucky side.
I became someone that I don't like very much, someone I have watched God tuck away over the last few years.

My anxiety swelled, my attitude shifted, my patience dropped. I became easily angered, quick to respond, and quiet for nothing. So disappointing.


I grabbed the book our MOPS group is reading called "Becoming a Women of Freedom", Which is awesome by the way. The chapter I opened was, "Laying Aside Busyness: Running with Rest." Heald says this in this chapter: "Most of us today run in the fast lane of life. We choose this lane for a "myriad" of reasons. We must examine the bulky weight of constant busyness, for we will have difficulty finishing our race at the speed with which some of us are running. If we're going to persevere, then we must learn to run with rest, the comfort and refreshment that the Lord so lovingly provides."

As I read on in the study I came to a verse that just brings me to a still place.
Psalm 23:1-3 "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul."
This verse is vastly known as one spoken at funerals... but so relevant to us still running the race.

The next chapter I dove into is "Laying Aside Anxiety: Running with Peace."
A quote on the first page really made sense to me.
"Areas of legitimate anxiety exist even for the strongest of believers. But the pressures of even legitimate concerns are not to dominate us or to make us habitually anxious, worried people. We escape by using anxiety creatively. This means that we must recognize the feeling of pressure and concern as a call to prayer.
We should immediately turn to God to lay our needs and the needs of others before him. We then turn back to live our lives encompassed by his peace. Anxiety, rather than drawing us away from God, draws us to him and thus fulfills his purpose for it in our lives."

This is so what I needed to hear. There is so much unknown in our future. We still have hope that God will bless us with more children. If I allow myself to think too much over the details, I get lost in a sea of questioning, and I rely on everything but Him.

I am so thankful for a God to quench my anxiety.
For He uses my weakness for ultimate good, to bring me back to my knees, to the only One I truly need.

While I'm Waiting...

While I'm Waiting, By John Waller

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Here is a Youtube video of this song I stumbled upon:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWI-iZsIKIk


Well, I heard this song the other day and when I got home I googled it and found this.
This past weekend marks our last due date. Our latest little one should have been born.
We know she was a little girl.
I have so many mixed emotions.
I watch Kaylee with babies all the time and just imagine what it would have been like for her to love on her little sister.

Oddly, I am so incredibly relieved, relieved I am done, at least for a time with the expectation of these sad reminders... I have empty arms for these little ones...

But what God has done to my life I could not have grasped, I could not have imagined, and because of that... I could not Love Him like I do today.

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
He rises to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for Him!" Isaiah 30: 18

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits.
and in His word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord...
put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with Him is full redemption." Psalm 130: 5-7

Remembering

Today is the 2 year anniversary of our first miscarriage. We were on vacation with our dear friends at the beach. I was just retelling the events of that time a few days ago to some friends.

Two years ago was the start of a changed heart.

My life has never been the same since that day.
Not because it was the most tragic thing that has ever happened to anybody, but because it was the most tragic thing that ever happened to Mark and I.

Two years ago is when the roller coaster began, when the depression first set in, when the anxiety was first noticed. When my heart truly broke for the first time...

Two years ago was when I realized I don't get to make the plans...

Two years ago is when God took hold of His child and forever changed her.

With confidence I can say I am grateful beyond measure to a God of Mercy, Compassion, Healing, and Restoration...for turning my tragedy into beauty. For changing a heart so in need of change. For bringing so much joy to my life through loss. Amazing how only He can do just that.

Today I have a heavy heart for more women who are suffering...how my heart hurts so much for them. How else would I have the compassion and heart to pray for them or be a part of their journey without my suffering. I see purpose.

I have watched as God has brought people into my life at just the right time to walk with me through the valley and I see how He is bringing people into my life so I might walk with them. Isn't this what life is all about?

I will still make plans in my everyday life... but I know He holds all the Plans, big and small, and oh how thankful I am for that.

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29: 11-14

Relentless Beauty

This is the title of the series we have been doing in church. We watched clips of amazing sea life during a few of the services and I just marveled at Creation. God created so much beauty for His beloved to enjoy and soak in. It has been a joy to teach my beautiful little girl all about what God made and how delighted He is to share His beauty with us. So I just had to share some of my recent pictures that captured His "Relentless Beauty." Enjoy!

Yet, another breath of fresh air

Well, since my last post, I have rode the rollercoaster once again. I am out of that spiral and am breathing fresh air once again (even though it is a terential down pour in Cincinnati).

I am glad to report that through this fall, I have been taught much and can once again be thankful for a God so worthy of refining me. The grief that initially befell me was so unexpected and really swooped me off my feet. What I have been learning these past few days is that I cannot control many of my circumstances BUT I certainly control MY response to them.

Amazing how quickly I was to revert back to self pity, jealousy, anger, bitterness, etc.

Today, I picked up my bible and read this, "...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

I took my circumstances, and got entangled in all sorts of feelings and ran with it, or sat on the couch, if you want the literal part. I did not first "fix my eyes on Jesus."

The study portion says this "...To live effectively, we must keep our eyes on Jesus. We will stumble if we look away from Him to stare at ourselves or at the circumstances surrounding us.
We should be running for Christ, not ourselves, and we must always keep Him in sight."
It goes on to say, " When we face hardship and discouragement, it is easy to lose sight of the big picture. But we're not alone: there is help. Many have already made it through life, enduring far more difficult circumstances than we have experienced. Suffering is the training ground for Christian maturity. It develops our patience and makes our final victory sweet."

Amazing how content I feel and satisfied with what life has brought me after soaking in His truth.
It is not about me, and all about Him. A weight has been lifted...

Thank you for lifting me up, all of us up, in prayer!

The Calm before the Storm

Well, I'd love to report that this week has continued to bring me peace as my last blog reported. But, as you can see from the title of this blog, not so.

I am beginning to see that God was preparing me for a very difficult week.

Oh how I long for that peace in my heart once again. I keep washing my mind with His truth, His words, His love...

This week has been full of disappointments. As I started to swirl down that not so fun road again, I sat there in the quiet room while Kaylee was napping and just thought why is this week so hard?
Then it dawned on me that Mark and I were supposed to welcome a child into this world this very week.

Amazing how I completely let that slip my mind.

The scar once again was ripped open, ouch.

I just prayed, begged, to be done with this; with due dates, with failed expectations, and all the junk that comes along with my losses. With anxiety, depression, all of it, I just want to be done.

Kaylee is very obsessed with Veggie Tales these days. I was watching one of her videos with her the other day and the lesson was on Perseverance. The same day, Mark and I were preparing for our junior high Sunday school class he was teaching, and the video was on Perseverance. It spoke of life as a journey, not the destination. That we are to keep running the race.

The bible is full of passages that speak of perseverance. "...because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." (James 1; 3-4) "As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy." (James 5: 11)

I plan to keep running this race with full assurance in His promises. Not because I am so strong, not because I am a good person, and not because I have done what it takes, those are just not the truth... simply because He who lives in me will bring me there.

Will I ever get over this you may be thinking? Absolutely not!

I will never get Over these losses. In fact, I was never meant to get Over them, each baby I carried in my womb was significant and placed there by God. I was not meant to get Over this, but with His power, I will get Through it, that I can be sure of...

When Jesus was preparing His disciples for their final days with Him on earth, He said this, "I have told you these things, so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16: 33)