Remembering

Today is the 2 year anniversary of our first miscarriage. We were on vacation with our dear friends at the beach. I was just retelling the events of that time a few days ago to some friends.

Two years ago was the start of a changed heart.

My life has never been the same since that day.
Not because it was the most tragic thing that has ever happened to anybody, but because it was the most tragic thing that ever happened to Mark and I.

Two years ago is when the roller coaster began, when the depression first set in, when the anxiety was first noticed. When my heart truly broke for the first time...

Two years ago was when I realized I don't get to make the plans...

Two years ago is when God took hold of His child and forever changed her.

With confidence I can say I am grateful beyond measure to a God of Mercy, Compassion, Healing, and Restoration...for turning my tragedy into beauty. For changing a heart so in need of change. For bringing so much joy to my life through loss. Amazing how only He can do just that.

Today I have a heavy heart for more women who are suffering...how my heart hurts so much for them. How else would I have the compassion and heart to pray for them or be a part of their journey without my suffering. I see purpose.

I have watched as God has brought people into my life at just the right time to walk with me through the valley and I see how He is bringing people into my life so I might walk with them. Isn't this what life is all about?

I will still make plans in my everyday life... but I know He holds all the Plans, big and small, and oh how thankful I am for that.

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29: 11-14

Relentless Beauty

This is the title of the series we have been doing in church. We watched clips of amazing sea life during a few of the services and I just marveled at Creation. God created so much beauty for His beloved to enjoy and soak in. It has been a joy to teach my beautiful little girl all about what God made and how delighted He is to share His beauty with us. So I just had to share some of my recent pictures that captured His "Relentless Beauty." Enjoy!

Yet, another breath of fresh air

Well, since my last post, I have rode the rollercoaster once again. I am out of that spiral and am breathing fresh air once again (even though it is a terential down pour in Cincinnati).

I am glad to report that through this fall, I have been taught much and can once again be thankful for a God so worthy of refining me. The grief that initially befell me was so unexpected and really swooped me off my feet. What I have been learning these past few days is that I cannot control many of my circumstances BUT I certainly control MY response to them.

Amazing how quickly I was to revert back to self pity, jealousy, anger, bitterness, etc.

Today, I picked up my bible and read this, "...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

I took my circumstances, and got entangled in all sorts of feelings and ran with it, or sat on the couch, if you want the literal part. I did not first "fix my eyes on Jesus."

The study portion says this "...To live effectively, we must keep our eyes on Jesus. We will stumble if we look away from Him to stare at ourselves or at the circumstances surrounding us.
We should be running for Christ, not ourselves, and we must always keep Him in sight."
It goes on to say, " When we face hardship and discouragement, it is easy to lose sight of the big picture. But we're not alone: there is help. Many have already made it through life, enduring far more difficult circumstances than we have experienced. Suffering is the training ground for Christian maturity. It develops our patience and makes our final victory sweet."

Amazing how content I feel and satisfied with what life has brought me after soaking in His truth.
It is not about me, and all about Him. A weight has been lifted...

Thank you for lifting me up, all of us up, in prayer!

The Calm before the Storm

Well, I'd love to report that this week has continued to bring me peace as my last blog reported. But, as you can see from the title of this blog, not so.

I am beginning to see that God was preparing me for a very difficult week.

Oh how I long for that peace in my heart once again. I keep washing my mind with His truth, His words, His love...

This week has been full of disappointments. As I started to swirl down that not so fun road again, I sat there in the quiet room while Kaylee was napping and just thought why is this week so hard?
Then it dawned on me that Mark and I were supposed to welcome a child into this world this very week.

Amazing how I completely let that slip my mind.

The scar once again was ripped open, ouch.

I just prayed, begged, to be done with this; with due dates, with failed expectations, and all the junk that comes along with my losses. With anxiety, depression, all of it, I just want to be done.

Kaylee is very obsessed with Veggie Tales these days. I was watching one of her videos with her the other day and the lesson was on Perseverance. The same day, Mark and I were preparing for our junior high Sunday school class he was teaching, and the video was on Perseverance. It spoke of life as a journey, not the destination. That we are to keep running the race.

The bible is full of passages that speak of perseverance. "...because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." (James 1; 3-4) "As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy." (James 5: 11)

I plan to keep running this race with full assurance in His promises. Not because I am so strong, not because I am a good person, and not because I have done what it takes, those are just not the truth... simply because He who lives in me will bring me there.

Will I ever get over this you may be thinking? Absolutely not!

I will never get Over these losses. In fact, I was never meant to get Over them, each baby I carried in my womb was significant and placed there by God. I was not meant to get Over this, but with His power, I will get Through it, that I can be sure of...

When Jesus was preparing His disciples for their final days with Him on earth, He said this, "I have told you these things, so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16: 33)

A New kind of Peace

After talking with some of my close friends and family lately, I have realized how much calming peace has come over my demeanor. Many people have commented about how I seem different lately. And I just feel like crying out in thanksgiving to God for bringing this peace my way.

My depression has mostly been lifted, my anxiety very minimal, and yet there is no baby.

Amazing how that happens. For so long I thought a baby in my arms would be the only way for me to feel peace like this. There He goes again, full of surprises!

There is really no good explanation why this peace has covered me as of late. I mean, I did nothing out of my own will to bring it on.

So, the only solid explanation can be the loving Father covering me once again. I am in awe of how much joy has been rushed back into my life over the last month. I am enjoying Mark more than ever, having more giggles than ever with Kaylee, which one could argue is due to her persistant and hilarious little personality.

But really, I have just plain and simply been enjoying life more and more. Seems absurd when I think about it, when I really think over my circumstances and how I am no closer today to having my sweet babies back.

I have decided to praise the Lord for this miracle and to trust He has so much more waiting for me, or us, I should say.

I will say I am beginning to know what Paul meant when he said, "...and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:7) At least I can relate to the "transcends all understanding" part, because this peace I am experiencing makes no good sense to me whatsoever. But, hey, I'll take it!

Someday Heaven

My long time family dog, Snowy, died last week after outliving most dogs of his breed.
He was almost 15 years old. I can vividly remember when we got him.

I was 16 years old, a junior in high school. My older sister Nicki had just left for college and my younger sister Crissy had just watched her Chinchilla die the week prior. In an attempt to comfort Crissy, my parents ventured to the pet store to get a new Chinchilla and, well, came home with Snowy, go figure.

Kaylee just loved Snowy and Wrigley did as well. That poor dog got more tugs and pulls and unwanted love from my child and my dog then he ever knew what to do with.

My parents were pretty upset when he passed away and were stunned at how sad they felt for "just a dog."
Snowy represented a time in our family's life when lots of changes had occurred.
Children grew into adults,
left the home,
moved away,
married,
had children (a child) of their own.
And the memories brought out a lot of the pain our family drudged through over the last 15 years.
He was always a constant, no matter what went on with the three of us girls, or my parents for that matter.

So as I sat down to explain to Kaylee that she would never see Snowy again, I saw confusion in her eyes. We told her that Snowy was sick and died, and that Mimi and Papa were sad.
She looked at me for a few minutes and asked
"why doesn't Jesus like Snowy?"
I tried not to laugh at her comment, especially since I saw a look of sincerity in her eyes. I realized this child has heard a lot about death through us losing 4 babies over the past 2 years. She knows about her cousin Julia living with Jesus and her siblings as well.

So I thought it was time to teach her about what we know of heaven and death. I was given a great book that has been so helpful in teaching Kay all about what the bible tells us about heaven. It is called "Someday Heaven," by Larry Libby.

I realized how impressionable this child truly is and how I wanted to instill truth in her at a young age.
So we opened the book together and have been reading through it ever since. It covers lots of questions that even most adults may not know the answers too.

It's so easy to dream about what we want heaven to be like and to teach our kids according to our hopes and desires.
It has been fun to watch her question life, death, and heaven.
I think it will instill a sense of reality and she will come to see that death is not something to fear, but rather to rejoice in the true life it can bring "someday" in "heaven.'

More in His presence

Since starting my blog, God has done a lot of damage control to my heart.
Although it was an uncomfortable step I took to open myself for anyone to see and read about my many downfalls throughout this journey, it was a step worth taking.

I am amazed how many stories have been shared with me of other women who have lost children both after birth and before. Many of these stories would not have been shared with me had I still been living in the world of "woe is me."

Through talking with friends and receiving feedback from my blog, I have had the privelage to share in their journeys.
There is just something so comforting to hear about how God has worked on their hearts and transformed their lives.

I have finally reached the place where I am ready and willing for that transformation.

I have recently grieved for a dear family member who lost her precious girl just last week. It was so hard to process all the pain she was enduring and the unknown she was to face.
My heart broke again for babies lost.
God does something to your heart when you grieve for other people. At times it really sucks because you feel pain so much more intensely than before you knew of it yourself.

Does that make any sense at all? For me it does.

The good part of it lies in the relationships built and the tower of support that is being built.
And of course the way that it grows us ever closer to the Lord.

As I think of these precious babies, I remember where they are and
Whose presence they are in.

I was recently re-reading a book of stories of women who had lost babies and I stumbled upon a poem one mother wrote. I thought I'd share it with you.


"For my Precious Children"

I wondered who you'd look like;
Maybe me, perhaps Dad;
I wondered what your future held,
A future you never had.
I never looked into your eyes
Or held your tiny hand;
Now you play on streets of gold
In God's Heavenly land.
Why you're no longer here
I just can't understand,
But I know I'll recognize you
In God's heavenly land.
I'll know your precious voice,
I'll hug you, Oh, so near;
My heart will be complete again
I'll thank God He brought you here.




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