The Calm before the Storm

Well, I'd love to report that this week has continued to bring me peace as my last blog reported. But, as you can see from the title of this blog, not so.

I am beginning to see that God was preparing me for a very difficult week.

Oh how I long for that peace in my heart once again. I keep washing my mind with His truth, His words, His love...

This week has been full of disappointments. As I started to swirl down that not so fun road again, I sat there in the quiet room while Kaylee was napping and just thought why is this week so hard?
Then it dawned on me that Mark and I were supposed to welcome a child into this world this very week.

Amazing how I completely let that slip my mind.

The scar once again was ripped open, ouch.

I just prayed, begged, to be done with this; with due dates, with failed expectations, and all the junk that comes along with my losses. With anxiety, depression, all of it, I just want to be done.

Kaylee is very obsessed with Veggie Tales these days. I was watching one of her videos with her the other day and the lesson was on Perseverance. The same day, Mark and I were preparing for our junior high Sunday school class he was teaching, and the video was on Perseverance. It spoke of life as a journey, not the destination. That we are to keep running the race.

The bible is full of passages that speak of perseverance. "...because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." (James 1; 3-4) "As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy." (James 5: 11)

I plan to keep running this race with full assurance in His promises. Not because I am so strong, not because I am a good person, and not because I have done what it takes, those are just not the truth... simply because He who lives in me will bring me there.

Will I ever get over this you may be thinking? Absolutely not!

I will never get Over these losses. In fact, I was never meant to get Over them, each baby I carried in my womb was significant and placed there by God. I was not meant to get Over this, but with His power, I will get Through it, that I can be sure of...

When Jesus was preparing His disciples for their final days with Him on earth, He said this, "I have told you these things, so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16: 33)

A New kind of Peace

After talking with some of my close friends and family lately, I have realized how much calming peace has come over my demeanor. Many people have commented about how I seem different lately. And I just feel like crying out in thanksgiving to God for bringing this peace my way.

My depression has mostly been lifted, my anxiety very minimal, and yet there is no baby.

Amazing how that happens. For so long I thought a baby in my arms would be the only way for me to feel peace like this. There He goes again, full of surprises!

There is really no good explanation why this peace has covered me as of late. I mean, I did nothing out of my own will to bring it on.

So, the only solid explanation can be the loving Father covering me once again. I am in awe of how much joy has been rushed back into my life over the last month. I am enjoying Mark more than ever, having more giggles than ever with Kaylee, which one could argue is due to her persistant and hilarious little personality.

But really, I have just plain and simply been enjoying life more and more. Seems absurd when I think about it, when I really think over my circumstances and how I am no closer today to having my sweet babies back.

I have decided to praise the Lord for this miracle and to trust He has so much more waiting for me, or us, I should say.

I will say I am beginning to know what Paul meant when he said, "...and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:7) At least I can relate to the "transcends all understanding" part, because this peace I am experiencing makes no good sense to me whatsoever. But, hey, I'll take it!

Someday Heaven

My long time family dog, Snowy, died last week after outliving most dogs of his breed.
He was almost 15 years old. I can vividly remember when we got him.

I was 16 years old, a junior in high school. My older sister Nicki had just left for college and my younger sister Crissy had just watched her Chinchilla die the week prior. In an attempt to comfort Crissy, my parents ventured to the pet store to get a new Chinchilla and, well, came home with Snowy, go figure.

Kaylee just loved Snowy and Wrigley did as well. That poor dog got more tugs and pulls and unwanted love from my child and my dog then he ever knew what to do with.

My parents were pretty upset when he passed away and were stunned at how sad they felt for "just a dog."
Snowy represented a time in our family's life when lots of changes had occurred.
Children grew into adults,
left the home,
moved away,
married,
had children (a child) of their own.
And the memories brought out a lot of the pain our family drudged through over the last 15 years.
He was always a constant, no matter what went on with the three of us girls, or my parents for that matter.

So as I sat down to explain to Kaylee that she would never see Snowy again, I saw confusion in her eyes. We told her that Snowy was sick and died, and that Mimi and Papa were sad.
She looked at me for a few minutes and asked
"why doesn't Jesus like Snowy?"
I tried not to laugh at her comment, especially since I saw a look of sincerity in her eyes. I realized this child has heard a lot about death through us losing 4 babies over the past 2 years. She knows about her cousin Julia living with Jesus and her siblings as well.

So I thought it was time to teach her about what we know of heaven and death. I was given a great book that has been so helpful in teaching Kay all about what the bible tells us about heaven. It is called "Someday Heaven," by Larry Libby.

I realized how impressionable this child truly is and how I wanted to instill truth in her at a young age.
So we opened the book together and have been reading through it ever since. It covers lots of questions that even most adults may not know the answers too.

It's so easy to dream about what we want heaven to be like and to teach our kids according to our hopes and desires.
It has been fun to watch her question life, death, and heaven.
I think it will instill a sense of reality and she will come to see that death is not something to fear, but rather to rejoice in the true life it can bring "someday" in "heaven.'

More in His presence

Since starting my blog, God has done a lot of damage control to my heart.
Although it was an uncomfortable step I took to open myself for anyone to see and read about my many downfalls throughout this journey, it was a step worth taking.

I am amazed how many stories have been shared with me of other women who have lost children both after birth and before. Many of these stories would not have been shared with me had I still been living in the world of "woe is me."

Through talking with friends and receiving feedback from my blog, I have had the privelage to share in their journeys.
There is just something so comforting to hear about how God has worked on their hearts and transformed their lives.

I have finally reached the place where I am ready and willing for that transformation.

I have recently grieved for a dear family member who lost her precious girl just last week. It was so hard to process all the pain she was enduring and the unknown she was to face.
My heart broke again for babies lost.
God does something to your heart when you grieve for other people. At times it really sucks because you feel pain so much more intensely than before you knew of it yourself.

Does that make any sense at all? For me it does.

The good part of it lies in the relationships built and the tower of support that is being built.
And of course the way that it grows us ever closer to the Lord.

As I think of these precious babies, I remember where they are and
Whose presence they are in.

I was recently re-reading a book of stories of women who had lost babies and I stumbled upon a poem one mother wrote. I thought I'd share it with you.


"For my Precious Children"

I wondered who you'd look like;
Maybe me, perhaps Dad;
I wondered what your future held,
A future you never had.
I never looked into your eyes
Or held your tiny hand;
Now you play on streets of gold
In God's Heavenly land.
Why you're no longer here
I just can't understand,
But I know I'll recognize you
In God's heavenly land.
I'll know your precious voice,
I'll hug you, Oh, so near;
My heart will be complete again
I'll thank God He brought you here.




"

Clarification

So after re-reading my last entry, I feel I must clarify something.

The author of the devotional I paraphrased said that our burdens are "God-given".
I know that is confusing, as it was for me as well.
I do not believe God was just waiting to slam me with miscarriage on top of miscarriage just to bring me to the place where He has.
He is all knowing, all sufficient, in that He does not need me to react a certain way to fulfill His mighty plan.

The fact is that He knows it all.

He knew the burdens that I would bear all along,
He knew the people He would so perfectly place in my life to comfort me,
and He knew ultimately how I would respond to all of it.

We live in a broken world.

I know there are specific times in my life where I have been burdened with guilt because of something I have done wrong or failed to do right. After coming through on the other side, I have seen God's hand in it and rejoiced that He loves me so much to refine me in my dark hours.

I know my current burdens I am bearing are not a punishment or something to teach me a lesson.
To be honest, I do not even somewhat have it all figured out, nor do I have God completely figured out.

What I do know is that He is the only way for me, the only TRUE comforter and restorer of this broken heart. And I have no doubt He will do just that and so much more. He is our ultimate "burden bearer" and He willingly does just that to those willing to surrender our burdens...

"Praise be the the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens."
Pslam 68: 19

A wow moment

You ever think of something then the next day pick up a book or magazine and read exactly what you were thinking?
Maybe it's just me, I have these "wow" moments every now and then.
I recently was given a daily devotional meant for people struggling. A devotional is a book that offers daily (with actual dates) inspirations and wisdom inspired by the bible. Since writing my last blog post, I have felt so free in many ways, especially about my future.
So to read today's entry was really crazy.

I am going to paraphrase it just to share how God is bringing His wisdom to me in these "wow" moments.

"Bearing the burden of crushing weight actually gives Christians wings. This may sound
like a contradiction in terms, but it is a blessed truth...The word "burden" is described
in my bible commentary as being "what Jehovah has given you." The saints' burdens
(sidenote- saints refers to a believer in Christ, one who has accepted His free gift of
salvation) are God-given, leading us to wait upon Him. And once we have done so,
the burden is transformed into a pair of wings through the miracle of TRUST, and the one who was weighted down "will soar on wings like eagles."

How amazing that only days after realizing that I needed to trust God with my life, that I would read in a devotional how God transforms willing hearts.

Oh that I would have only had a willing heart years ago.
But God had a bigger plan for my life, a plan of weaving trust through my tragedies and experiences so I would look to Him and not myself for the answers.

I just love the verse in Isaiah where this came from.

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40: 29-31)

Some Updates and a Breath of fresh air...

I had promised to update my blog on the whereabouts of where Mark and I are headed in our journey to growing our family. We met with a Perinatologist, fancy name for a high risk OB, last week. It was refreshing to have an open forum and ask all my questions as well as hear her side of my story and what she recommends. I have felt the need and desire to be taken seriously, something previous OB's were not necessarily doing for me. Although we didn't learn much new information, we did learn more about the clotting disorder that I was diagnosed with.
The fact that there is a medical explanation to some of the losses we have experienced is a relief, to say the least. I walked out of there feeling better. Mark and I were able to take some time and talk about our future and where we want to take all this information.

It wasn't until a few days later that I really had a revelation.

(That is where the "Breath of fresh air" comes into play.)
I read another book that someone dear had recommended to me.
Not sure if it was the book,
my appointment,
or of course the Mighty God that revealed Himself to me.

Did I really need a Doctor to tell me everything was going to be allright?
Did I really need a "fix" to my situation?
Did I need to come up with an unfailing plan for how to carry a baby?

What I have needed all this time, for the past 2 years I have been on this road of suffering, was right in front of me, each and every day... trust.
I did not know what that word meant, I mean truely KNOW what it meant to trust.

Before I explain myself, let me clarify what trust is NOT:
It is not trusting God will provide me with more children through pregnancy.
It is not beleiving surely He will not let this happen to us again.
It is not thinking positively.
It is not "one day I will be happy again".
It is not ceasing to allow suffering of other kinds to come into my life.

This is not trust.

It is what I allowed myself to believe for some time, but it is not the truth.

I looked up the word "trust" at the end of my concordance/dictionary in my bible.
It says this: to place one's confidence in; to hope; that which has been entusted.

Trust is an action we take, not a feeling we feel.
Trust takes a whole lot of faith, which can only come from God.

Did I really think I could trust God on my own strength, with my own power?
I was trusting medicine, or positivity, or my own thoughts, all things that will fail me over and over again.

I am so free. I write this with full assurance. I am finally trusting the God of the universe, the one who created all things with my life, my future, my family; and the best part is I have never felt so free in my life.

You see, my story has already been written...

and so has yours.

God already knows how many children I will have on earth,
and how many in heaven.
He knows every little joy and sorrow I will ever experience.
How can I freat my future when I know He will be right by my side through it all.
Through death, loss, tradegy.
Through life, birth, joy.
I have no idea what lies ahead of me or if I will carry another sweet baby in my womb.
But I have decided to trust Him with all the details, the little and the big ones.

I leave you with this,

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5-6